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South Canterbury Times, Issue 2256, 10 June 1880, Page 3

Question for Municipal Marines. —It is wanted to know if a sea-captain ever becomes a C major. A correspondent asks us what is good for moths. We don’t know much about it, but wo should recommend plenty of healthy, nourishing food, with seltzerwater occasionally to aid digestion.

A Hint “How nicely this corn pops,” said a young man who was sitting with his sweetheart before the fire. “ Yes,” she responded, dcmurclj, its got over being green.”

Where do wc find the earliest mention of free admission to the theatre ? When Joseph was let into the pit by his brethren for nothing. Resuscitation. —At an inquest in a certain part of the north of England on a man who had been drowned, the policeman giving his evidence was asked by the coroner if means had been taken to resuscitate the body. “ Oh, yes, sir, we searched his pockets.” Simple Necessaries.—Shopman : “ Oh, yes, sir, we can supply yon with anything in the football line; we ” Customer (secretary of a club) : “Ab, then I’ll take half-a-dozen pair of crutches and a few yards of stickingplaster, as wc have a match to-day,”— “ Fun.”

The Art of Politeness. —Sir Garnet Wolsclcy : “ Pardon me, my dear doctor, if I say that you have been hoaxed with gross exagerations and transparent untruths.” Dr Russell : “ Forgive me, my dazzling jmnng General, for mentioning that you are pig-headed ignoramus, and don’t know what you arc talking about.”

The sublimity of impudence was that of one of Berghoph’s best customers upon a late occasion. Seated in an ordinary first-class carriage, ho was making preparations for a pipe, when a somewhat fussy person entered. “Do you, my dear air,” said tnc first occupant, “ like smoking.” “ Certainly not, sir.” And then instead of himself making a move, the offender coolly said, “ Then I strongly recommend you to betake yourself to some other carriage !’’

Absent-mindedness. An Irishman having signed the pledge, was charged soon afterwards with being drunk. “Twas me absent-mindedness,” said Pat, “ an’ a habit I have of talkin’ wid mcself. I said to meself, sez I, ‘Pat, coom in an’ have a dhrink.’ ‘No,’ sez I, ‘I have sworn off.’ ‘Then I’ll dhrink alone, sez Ito mcself. ‘An’ I’ll wait for ycz outside,’ sez I. And when mcself cum out, faith, an’ ho was dhruuk.” A young flatterer.—Clergyman’s wife, who takes great interest in her industrial school: “Jane Brown, I’m sorry to hear from your mistress that you arc not diligent at your needlework. Now you know who it is that ‘ finds work for idle hands to do ?’ ” Jane Brown, artfully thinking to propitiate : "If you please, ’m, you do, ’m.” It is told of a Perthshire worthy, James Moray, of Abcrcairncy, that on one occasion ho chanced to see two sawyers on his estate measuring the planks they had sawn. They measured across one side of a plank, turned it over, and measured it across the other side, Moray bided his time till they appeared in his business-room with their bill. He took out a coin, put his thumb on it, and counted, “One ; ” then turned in over, put his thumb on it again, and counted, “ Two and so on with other coins till he had brought out half the amount charged, when he sent the sawyers about their business. Speaking of the late election at Liverpool, a writer in the Coventry Standard says : —“ I saw several curious sconces at the Liverpool election. Here is one of them : A costermonger, who was anxious to make a figure, socially and politically, rode to the poll in his own donkey cart. The Liberal agent stationed outside the booth noticed with pleasure that the ‘ moke ’ was gaily trimmed up for the occasion, and was decorated about the cars with Hamsay’s colors. Accordingly, when the coster emerged from the voting compartment, he asked him for * Ilamsay’s card, if you please.’—But, to his surprise, the owner of the donkey handed his ticket to Whitley’s man. The Liberal card-trick man at once pointed to, the animal, and exclaimed : ‘Why, he’s got our colors.’—‘Ay, ay, my friend,’ replied the coster, with a broad grin; ‘be’s an ass, but I’m a Conservative.’”