VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2242, 25 May 1880, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Crewel Work. —Assault and battery. ‘ Appropriate. Quotations. Plagiar isms.

Hemmed into a Corner. —Initials on pocket-handkerchiefs. i A writer having spoken of a “ charming young lady of eighteen springs,” a punster suggests, “ Probably her name is Sofy.”

“Yes,” said Mrs Goddington, “ the place is so sequestrated that wo are never annoyed by stray predestinations and people of that sort.” Matter of Taste. —Conductor (putting his head inside) —“ Only room for one. Which shall we have?” Stout old Gentleman. —“Tho little one.” Nice Young Gentleman.—“ The pretty one.” —Punch.

Unreasonable.—Tradesman (to country customer who has come to complain of the quality of his lucifer matches) —“Not light ? Why, I have only to draw them smartly across my cord breeches, and they blaze instantly.” Customer—“ Yes ; but what’s that to rac ? I can’t come a matter of four miles for your old breeches every time we wants a light.” The Use of the Hyphen. In a primary school not long ago the teacher took to convey to her pupils an idea of the uses of the hyphen. She wrote onthe black-board “ Bird’s-nust,” and pointing to the hyphen, asked the school, “ What is that for ?” After a short pause a small Fenian piped out, “ Plaze ma’am, for the burd to roosht on.” The Consequence of the Chair.— Chairman of Homo Rule Meeting—“l The Chair’ will not dispute the point with Misthor O’Pummcl ” The O’Pummell —“The Chair’ had hetther not, onless he loikes to stip out, and take his coat off !” (Confusion —Exeunt fighting).—“ Punch.” Juvenile Parties.—(What they are getting to.) Madeline (aged four) — “What do you think,-Gerald 1 We’re to he fetched from the Browns’ at halfpast 9 ! It says so on the card !” Gerald

(aged five) —“No! what a shame! I votes we don’t, go! Seconded and carried unanimously.—“ Punch.”

What’s in a Name? —An old farmer intent on making his will, was asked by the lawyer the name of his wife, when he gravely replied, “Well, indeed, I really don’t recollect what it is ; we’ve been married for upwards of forty years, •and I’ve always called her my old woman.” The lawyer left a blank to be filled up when the “ old woman’s” name was ascertained.

Who, Indeed? —A modern philosopher thinks it is a mistake to suppose that women have stronger attachments than men., A man is often attached to an old hat; but, he asks, “ who ever heard of a. woman being attached to an old bonnet?”

Quite Unimportant.—Thompson (interrogatively, to Beauteous but Haughty Damsel, whom he just helped to alight) —“I beg your pardon?” Haughty Damsel—“ I did not speak !” Thompson —“ Oh ! I thought you said ‘thanks’!” —“ Punch.”

Coleridge.—When a young man was lecturing to a critical audience, and was violently hissed on account of some of his novel propositions, hut nothing daunted, he retorted —“When a cold stream of truth is poured on red hot prejudices, no wonder they hiss.’’