FILLING THE CENSUS PAPER.

Rodney and Otamatea Times, Waitemata and Kaipara Gazette, Volume 1, Issue 14, 28 June 1901, Page 3

FILLING THE CENSUS PAPER.

* TT WAS Sunday evening, the teaj inngs had been le-noved, and the family -x<:rfi, assembb. d-in the cosy dimngvroom. Mr. pjimby sat at ike head of the4;ablo, with three or four ■groat virgin sheets of blotting-paper spread before liha i; . The ink-bottle had -beer newly replenished, and ,Avas brimful. Mr. Ph-mby'was armed Avith a now pen, and a kindly Imt resolute' expros^k-u. Upon tho virgin blotter lay the clean pink censxis paper and Mr. Amos' Plimhy^wfui^nhoiit to do his duty as a citizen, a householder, and father, nottomentkiii a husband, raid the proprietor of a horse, a cow, fourteen ducks, ten hejis, a pet-kang-a-i rbo, a bicycle, and other live stock. ' Mr. PlhnVy took up his pen resolute-J ly struck' an attitude, spread himself! over his papers, and said 'Nov.'! with! the air of a man who meant bu.sine.ss. The family had an awed expression, and were preternaturully quiet. Tluy! were a very large and. very young-j family, and .would take a lot"oi! fillingj in t Mrs, Piimby looked anxious, and signalled to the children nervously. The unaccustomed literary task hud unnerved the whole house. Mr. Piimby took a dip and spread his hands "wider, looking at the paper; like a reluctant diver about to plunge! into a cold and unknown sea. Then he dropped his head on one side, and! wrote very deliberately— ■ 'Amos ,ILwry PJinibv.; j Mr. Plifuhy surveyed his work with!, great satisfaction. - ! 'There my dear.' ho said. 'Ihe Gov-: eminent won't have much difficulty in reading that, I think. If everybody • fills in his census paper as intelligently! and legibly as I'll fill this one, there'll! be joy in the Census Office next! week.' " j 'Tory nice indeed,' said. Mrs. Plhviby. I 'but arc yon sure itV. in the right eol-i uinn ?' ' VvVll, I don't know, Ann.p., of course .but is'nt that the plfice for "broken.logs and' things? See, it says. ' S.ick]iess"nnd Infirmity' on top.' ■:■"" Mr. Piimby looked. ;.uid. flushed-to j to the roots of his hair, and assumed\, the expressi' n of a deeply injured man. [ He had placed the paper down folded. I and lie had entered bin-self ns a ' Sickness .and Infirmity.' He cast a look of I. withrrmg reproach at -Ids wife, but! said nothing. Ho was a man avlio ■oould suffer and be still. | 'I—l hope you won't get into trouble over it,' said Mrs. Piimby, anxiously. . ' The}' can't send you to goal, can- they ?| I saw something, about wilful andj, corrupt perjury, or is it bigotry or something?' •. ' | ( Piimby sneered elaborately, . and |' straightened-out his paper. Then hej' wrote again, 'Amos Henry Piimby.'h in tho right place this time, but he| dropped a blot as Ivig as an elephant's ■ tear right in the muldle of 'Henry.' This made him. savage, and ho plunged , into tho ink, arid da-hed O'1' the details^ opposite his name in a reckless' way.!' Then lie sat bacV panting, with a bloth on his white shirt, a smudge on his nose, and his thumb and index finger , black to the first nuckle. Mrs. Piimbyleaned over and scrutinised. 'This does not seem quite right. : You seem to say heie that you were - born iv Wesleyan Methodist, and that \ your religion is brick outside and lathji and plastered inside.' Amos snatched tho paper away. 'Please don't interfere,' he said hotly, ( •I don't think I require an}' assistance from you.' ■ Mrs. Piimby looked insulted, and sat back in . her ohair, bouncing- the baby down upon her knee to express her indignation, a?id Piimby went on with his list. i ''What's your second name?' he asked presently. 'As if you didn't khow,' snapped Mrs. Piimby. •'Madam, your second name?' said Mr. Piimby, glaring horribly over his spectacles, after tho manner of an indignant official. | 'Hamuih,' replied tho lady, awed by j the reniombrance of tho hinted painsj and penalties. j -Mr. Piimby wrote''laboriously, andj the; ink oozed out between his fingers,1, and. stole up to his cuffs. j 'Male or female,' he asked. 'Don't be ridiculous!' said Mis. P. il'Pimbly started up wildly. "''' Male or female ?' he yelled. Then, recollecting himself, he gnmt-j ed and. entered an ~Y. in the cohimnj headed '^c.Last Birtbdav.' j ' :"'Agu hist birthday?' he blurk.l. ! 'Let me see.' slie murmured. '\\ was thJ]"*■" oif.;ht yeai's two mf>ntl!;-.i old exactly when baby was born-, ard; that was a year and- three w^eksand! two days ago, or a yer;r and two v:eeks! and three day^, I don't quite know; which.. What doc?. tV.at jnake me?' \ 'What does that make you?' said! Piimby with dangerous restraint. 'J>o| you w.ant my ran did opinion? ' \ 'To be sure I do.' _ _ ! 'Weil, it makes yun a simpering1: idiot!' veiled PHmby. 'How in thun-j der am I to say how old yru are with; a bally riddle like that to guess from?] For Heaven's sake go to ihe Bible and hunt up ycur age! Find out when you were born —if you've been I'orn at all.' Mrs. Piimby, nvred oy lixe po^ib;::'tv oi; having .to servo twelve raonth.s, for conspiracy or arson if her age wasincorrectly stated, set the baby on the table, and went to search the S.: fixtures rind meanwhile, Piiml>y—who began to look like a coloured labour cartoon him self, and who had oovercd-.-the census paper "with many blots and ges. set to work filling-in the v^-:.^-j< and other items. The baby, being a child of a literary turn, seized tho to drink the ink, and Tommy, the eldest, in a o-a'ilant'effort to effect a rescue, upset die whole of Stephen' blue-blnek over

the baby, the table-cloth, Mr; Plunby and the census paper. Mr. Plimby said nothing- for the space of a minute. He wa? too fuli of utterance, and sa' | back .:u las chair like an o::liau.-(;1'~! I tar-sprinkler, gazing at his black-piea-ruriny and his beautif v! i )apor; aad the a he exploded, rani raved in a shameful weekday language for Jive minutes by ihe clock, -whilst Mr* Plhnby stood over him, deadly pale, .siaiing'. too, at'j the paper and tiie balry, icolni"* like a\ ;convicted criminal, j. 'Per-pup pup-perhaps it can be icleaned,' she faltered, taking up the document. 'Oh- yes, it can bo cleaned,' said Amos, relapsing into bu-ter irony, 'itj cau be cleaned, take it away and wash j it; use hot water and plenty of soap,| and scrub it well on. the board. Clean it, my dear—-cioan it!' Mra Plimby was looking at the paper; attentively. Presently she ventured, j meekly; | 'After all it does not matter much,! Amos dear, you see the words can bej read quite distinctly.' Amos snatched it out of her hands. 'For godtlness' sake woman, let mo! do my work,' he gasped, 'I've read about tliosa great writers—Dickens and Oarlyle, and Byron and Shelley—nofi being able to get on with their wives, j and, hy heavens, I can understand it! now! The "man who tries to do liter-i ary'work with a -woman poking at hisj elbow is an ass, a drivelling maniac.!'■ He dashes! at the paper ag;aiii r .a.n.c]| worked feverishly for two minutes, and! the ink stole up ids face .and into hisj hair. His light trousers were ruined.! and his face was like that of a rain] washed Christy ministrel. 1 'There,' he said throwing' fhepaperj away from him ' it's done at last, andj if I had such another job onee*i month: I 1'! want a divorce before the rear was', out.' . " | His wife took the paper reverently,! ar.'l looked overjho items with the air) of a harmless imbecile trying to solve a problem in Euclid. .. ! ' It seems very strange, dear,' shej said diffidently. I'm sure you've enter-j ed baity as a milch cow,' [and should aj' bicycle go under the head of 'other! stock'?' ' | ; Oh, rubbish cried Plimby ; 'noth-j ing of the sort,' ' \ 'It's hove, 1 said Mrs. P., with a lit-! tie more spirit; and you've piit me! down as one of the unemployed, and! entered Tommy as a female sufferingfrom. AVesleyan, 'That's all wrong.' I 'Women said Plimby, loftily, 'have! no literary judgement.' j 'Perhapsnot. Plimby but I've got| too much common sense to enter up I Daisy the cow as my own son, aged-13, j a student, of the religion, j and built of weatherboard with anj iron roof?' Whoever heard of a AVes-j leynn cow with an iron roof?' j ' Nobodj7; it required a maniacal! imagination like yours,,, my love, to j discover sucli an idiotic thing. Givej me tl'io paper again. 1 neglected to j !-,u:ution your frcble-intoilocf,' : . - ' I shall do .-nothing of the sort, Youj have stilted that Mary is pged 16, andi that we have been married 14 years ;1 you say that she is working for a blacksmith, and that she is suffering f.iom the AVesleyan religion, and was born in influenza. That is about enough I think, but you must go and entor my poor bedridden father as a horse, and lgclude the dog-cart in the place set apart for turkeys. If this paper—' But Mr. Plimby had snatched the document from her hand. He tore it into a thousand fragments, filing them down, and danced oil thorn, and his wife looked like a woman witnessingthe perpration'of a massacre, gazed in awe at the scraps. 'Good heavens!' she said, trembling on the vergeof tears, and suddenly concerned about her husband, '•what shall we tell the census man in the morning?' 'Tell him the paper was eaten by the goat ,' snarled Amos. ' But—but you know we have not ffot a goat, dear.' ' Then,' yelled Plimby, 'you'dbetter go and borrow one, I'm going to bod ?' And Plimby had a hot bath, and mired in high, dudgeon. [By Owen Deed, in Melbourne 'Pi'ncl/].' .;