POSTSCRIPTS

Rotorua Morning Post, Issue 5300, 13 January 1947, Page 7

POSTSCRIPTS

"Do you believe in clubs for women?" a friend asked W. C. Fields. "Yes," he replied, "if every j other form of persuasion fails." ☆ ☆ A discharged soldier, rehabilitated in a shoe repairing business, was asked how he was getting along. "Couldn't be hetter," he replied cheerily, "Fm two weeks hehind already." ☆ ☆ The Hillbilly: Too poor to paint, too'tprqud to whitewash. ☆ ☆ One hos-pital refers to its accident admissions as its humper crop. ☆ ☆ ■Notjice on a lakefji-ont pfrlhperby: This secti-on for sale. Any reasonable offer will be rejected. ☆ ☆ Used-car dealer's ad: You, too, canbe a wealthy pedestrian. Sell your car to us. ☆ ☆ It is reported that the Japanese are now weaving Scotch tweeds. This should' he checked. ☆ ☆ Boh Hope to Joan Caulfield after she had thanked him for a kiss: "Don't mention it; the pressure was all mine." ☆ ☆ An Omaha (Nehraska), newspaper: "Gene Autry is better after being kicked by a horse." ☆ ☆ An American in London was having a terrible time with English words. He learned that Worcester' was pronounced Wooster and that Chumley was spelled out as Cholmondeley. Then he saw a picture theatre notice: "A revival of Cavalcade. Pronounced Puccess." "That settles it," said the Yank. "i'm going home." ☆ ☆ The two old dears were enjoying the promenade concert. They were happy to recognise many of the tunes the ba'nd was playing, then one eluded them. Seeing a board notice near the rotunda, one -of the ladies went up to it for information. "I know what it is now, Ahigail,' said Matalida. "It's Refrain, from Spitting." ☆ ☆ A vicious circle is the progress you make with a tin-opener. ☆ ☆ Our wharfies can take it or leave it. ☆ ☆ A Holborn flower-seller chalked this notice beside his, barrow: Take some flowers home to your mother-in-law. Floral wreaths and crosses made to order. ☆ ☆ WHatever others did to celebrate New Year, motorists certainly had their blow-outs. ☆ ☆ An exchange, in its good housekeeping secton, had this dicriium: "Nothing detracts more. from the appearance of a house thhn a few undraped widows." ☆ ☆ On the arrival of her fourth ehild, friends sent a woman a playpen. "Thank~you so much for the pen," slhe replied. "Bt: is a perfect godsend. I sit in it every afternoon and read and the children can't get near me." ☆ ☆" The Meteorological Office in Wellington arranged its annual picnic. "What happened?" a reporter asked the secre,tary. "Nothing. it rained." ☆ .☆ "Bring me a whisky and get something for yourself," said the actor to the waiter, tending a £5 note. The waiter brought the whisky and £1 change. '"Wjhafis the idea?" askied the cuatomer. "You told me to get something for myself," said the waiter. "I got a new overcoat." ☆ ☆ •"Oh, yes," said the little man. "'I used to be in politics myself — dogcatcher in. my town for two years." "How did you lose your job?" asked the sympathetic har-fly. "Change of administration ?" MNo," repliejfi the little man. Forgot myself one day and caught the dog." ☆ ☆ Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were discussing an actor they knew. "Nice guy," said Abbott, "but have you noticed how he always lets his friends piek up the dinner check?" "Yes," said Costello. "He has a terrible impediment in his reach." ☆ _ ☆ "I never imagined you would marry the man you did," said Betty. "Neither did I," -said her friend. "I disliked1 his ways, -but I adored 'his means." ☆ ☆ The late Waiter Winchell's favourite stary was about an editorial feud -between the old New York Sun and Post. One day the very proper and' staid Post lost its temper and editorially called the Sun a yellow dog. 'The -Sun replied in its starchiest manner: "The Post calls the Sun a yellow dog. The attitude of the -Sun, however, will continue to be that of any dog toward any post." ☆ ☆ Twenty-five pairs of nylon stockings were -handed out to mem-bers at a clu-b luncheon. "Cards have been mailed to your wives announcing this event," said the secretary. From the back o-f the room came the request: "If that's so, change my size from ,9 to 10." ☆ ☆ Woman in Traffic Court: "I was. driving down Arawa Street with my husband1 at ithe wheel."