THE CHESTNUT TREE

Rotorua Morning Post, Volume 2, Issue 408, 17 December 1932, Page 14

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Black: You can no' doubt give me Bome tickets for the show, as 'you work at the kinema. "White: And. as you work at the bank you can give me some banknotes! Sbe: I hope your recent marriage has turned out a great success. He: Ob, quite; I've already made three plays out of my wife's past. * * *• Doctor: Influenza in itself is not dangerous, but it can bave serious consequences. Patient: So I noticed from your bill. « -K Tom: I don't believe my wife could tell a lie. George: Lucky cbap! Mino can as soon as it's out of my moutli. * •* # Hubby: But, darling, we must economise. Wife: Exactly wbat I'm doing. I'm buying everytliing on credit. ■3fr -X- S Wife: Wbat do you mean by telling tbe maid tbat in future sbe and her sweetheart can dine witb us? Husband: i'm tired of liaving tbat cbap always get tbe best food. * -s » Yes, you bave a perfect right to your opinion, but you also bave a rig-bt to keep it to yourselL -X- v!- ■51"No, I ain't naturally superstitious, but directly tbey made tbe score 13-0, I.says to myself, 'Bill, we're goin' to losel"-

Creating Employment. — "Just wbat good bave you done to bumanity?"! asked tbe judge before passing sen-j tence on tbe pickpocket. 1 "Well," replied tbe confirmed criminal, "I've kept tliree or four detectives working regularly." * * * Helping Father — Fatlier (at son's ( 21st birthday party) : You are of age J now, and ought to belp me a little. l Son: Yes, dad. Wbat can I do forl you? ! Fatber: You might pay tbe lastj three instalments on your perambu-j lator. j 5f * * He: I've a sort of feeling I've danced j witb you before somewbere. She: So bave I. Tbe pressure of your foct seems familiar! ■VV vr Real Session. — "Wbat a long lotter i you have there." , "Yes, 16 pages from Liane." j "What does sbe say?" "Tbat sbe will tell me tbe nr-ws when she sees me." ^ w Money Talks — Wife: John, is it truei that money talks? Husband: Well, that's wlmt tbey say, my dear. Wife: Well. 1 wisli you would ' av; | me a little here to talk to during the day. I get so lonely. Qualified. — Pat: D'ye see falligan's ! been elccted to tbe Ways and M ans Committee? Mike: Tliat's tbe roigbt jnb f; -r bim surelv. Tbat feller knows more va'.y of being mean tlian anv man oi evor met. i

"And did be bave the dentist talm an X-ray of bis wife's jaw?" , "He tried to, but all tbey could get was a moving picture." •» * •» Advertisement — Customer: Wby do' I get sucb a small portion to-day wben I bad sucb a large one yesterday? Waiter: Ab, sir, but you sat by tlie window yesterday. *3f & . Not Guiity— Husband: I've lost some money out of my trousers pocket. You don't tbink Willie could bave taken it, do you? Wife: Wby suspect Willie? How do you know I didn't take it? Husband: No, my dear. Tliere's still some left. ■?£ Well-Meant — The manager of a small touring company, who played a farce in tbe big room of a village inn, mentioned to tbe landlord tbe quietness of tbe crowd, wbich didn't even smile. "Ay," cliuckled tbe landlord. "I told 'em I'd chuck out tlie first man tbat made a sound. I didn't want good actors like you laughed at." ^ * Very Deceptive — Taking an examination at Ottawa for entrance into tbe Canadian army, a yo.ung volunteer was asked to define milita'ry strategy. I-Iere was his answer: : "Military strategy is wben you don't let tlie enemy discover you are out of ammunition, but keep on firing."

How Things Change. — A fly was walking witb her daugbter over tbe bead of a very bald man. Sbe said: "How things cliange, my dear! Wben I was your age this was only a footpatli!" How Is It Done? — "This is a wonderful suit I am wearing." "It looks very ordinary." "But tbe wool came from AustraJia, Englisli merchants sold it to a Seotl tisb factory, it was woven in Saxony, made into a suit in Berlin " "Notbing wonderful about tbat." "No, tbe wonder is tbat so many people can get a living out of sometliiug I bave never paid for!" •Jr w vt Another Record — Tbe steamer was on tbe move wben Paddy rushed np and jumped from the quay 011 to the dcvk of tbe vessel. lie received a nasty knock, and was unconscious for a fcw minutes. "What a jump!" be sboutcd when he came to, seeing tbe land a quartci of a milo away, Auxious Sportsimi.il (wlio thinks be b.o: backed a winner): Did you sond ofi tbat wire in timo? "ill::gr Postmistress: Yes, sir. But llu money was a penny sbort. so 1 b ft ou; the name of tbe liorse. Popular. — Tbe little girl was at- !»" ding lier first party, and shortlv af.er tbe proceedings startcd, ap;»r ncbrd her bostess. " ■ )b. please. mny 1 bave nwfihor da icti programme?" sbe said, cbeer1 fu iy "I've filled tliis one!"