QUEER CUSTOMERS AND CLIENTS

Rotorua Morning Post, Volume 1, Issue 51, 22 October 1931, Page 4

QUEER CUSTOMERS AND CLIENTS

E.'Earlb'

Vaile.)

ECCENTRICS I HAVE MET « « V -o • JAND DEAET r ^ * WITH. - ! i_ •

' ' (By

In the course of a long business careerj oh'e is: sure to 'Conie-across mariy human euriosities — ^people who Beem to have been' boM for th© prirpoSe of verifying the old sayiagp i'lt-takes all sortsto make- a- WOrld." Of'tKese,- I believO f-have ericountered- my fair share-.' Among -them -the; following: Oue day t-here -rolled' irito my'offiee an uritidy littlo man,- only very slightly sober. Havifag * tuiribled down — luckily into a chair — he threw a small pi§6'&~of" dirty paper on to the table. Pi'cki'ng'- ifi-up, -I found it *%o rie :a dhequb- for £5000,' and sriid, "What do yOu Want dOrie wlth'this?" "You knoW'Whsit to do with' the crimson monriy! T-"dori7t." Nothirig cOuld be made of him but I contfi'ved to-"ascer-t'ain 'his addresS. * ' " Neglecting no -chancesy I paid the cheque in, when "a strange thing •Happened.'>' It 'waS met! 'Lookihg' my friend up: at his address' early next morningT found him only 'slightly intoxicated. : He'iriforme'd' .nre that: his father 'had been a solicitor in England and' had aiticled him' to the profession, riut he go't sick of - writing ^'his' heirs, executors, administrators and assigns,""' and ran aWay -to-sea. "Th£ old *ihan" had just gone whbre all good -lawyers go and had- left him £20-,000,1* of which1 this £500 -was the 'first instalment. Wanted a Residence. He wanted to 'buy- a residence and' invest"- the rest on mortgage. Thi's was wh'en times were really hard arid we bought him - (for £1250, 'ah, me!) the most delightful old place. about ten miles from the city. A dear old house, around which the creepers clung, the shrubs flowered" and the Stat'ely trees caSt their 'cool shade: all with 25 acres of' good land, inclining gently to the careSSes of Ihe SUri-god and fringed by the silver strand of the summet seas of Ed'en. 'Tamaki makau rari ! Tamaki 'of the hundred lovers. What would' Su'ch a place' cost riow— when times are su'pposed to be bad? The- wife of this queer customer was a' rathef statuesque lady with a beautiful'English pink-and-white complexiOri. At our first meeting I WaS iritroduced to "Mrs- Robirison": But hfer faithful spouse for ever' after referred to her as "The crimson waxworks." Well, our friend settled down and, having nothing else to occupy his spare time'and intellect, be brewed -i-and drank— his Own'beer and Smolced a' great collectiOn of pipes. To provide extra amusement, the bulk of'the i-esidents of that locality* being Roman Catholics, he became a great Prot6stant.: ' "Marry a Man !" Once, on St. Patrick's Day in the morning, he ■ -appeared Weam ing a gre'at orange "rosette ! and the young bTotfds of the place decided to give him a hiding for his paips. But our hero got wind of if and, as the lads earne up his avenue in the dusk, he filled their legs with' buckshot and, when they turned and fled, did the like to their hinder parts. So that these men spent that night picking shot' out of one another, One day he came into our office surprisingly sober and made the unSurprisiiig announcement that he had cpntracted cancer of the tongue and- was to undergo an operation which he was sure would prove fatal. He -wanted to make a will.' His premonition-proved correct. Then there was the widow woman who trooped in-at the head of fourteen kids'of assorted sizes and' different degrees of dirt and announced that she wanted to borrow on her farm. Having inspected it, I was quite satisfied and arranged the loan; but, when the lawyers got to work, they found that' the title was derived from ' her late husband, who had crUelly attempted to bleck the chances of anyone else getting f ourteen children -.by providing that, should she re-mhrry, she lost the farm. 'Conseque'ntly when she came in to sign up and get her money,- 1 was compelled to explain that, under those circumstances,- it co'uld not be done. She glared at me and roaried "Marry a man! Me marry a man!" In my blahdest tone's, I murmured "Fair lady, what would you? Does not yout choi'ce seem rather restricted? And do 'not these dear children argue some fondness for:your first? • ■ > My brot'her, atrtaCted by the lady's tones, put his head inside my door and called me. "What about irisuring the old girl-against the risk of matrimony?" he whispered. "Holy poker," I grinned. "I'll -have a try." So I toddled over to the Accident Insur* ance* Company and put the case -before the ancient niariner then in charge. • After a moment's thought: "Yes; I'll do it. Pkemium £1 percent." "For God's sake," I pleaded, "come over and have a look- at the risk-. You'll do it for half a crown." "I'm noh going to marry her. There's no knowing what might happen. £1 per' cent. or riothing." . On the way back to the office a ch"illy fear struck at my heart. How ' could " I tell the.' genfl'e cteature what I h'ad donel So I 'crawled rind' fibbed sayi'ng*, "Lo! I have consulted with my client. H4 Vill pro'cerid with the 'business if you will pay 6 per cent. instead of 5 pef cent." Her delight rind' gratitude were sueh that I almost feared an embrace! But who shall - Say that side-stepping the stark and naked truth is ftot sometimes justified? N.B.-— The lady did not re-marry. • -

Armed to the Teeth. Another queer -customer- I shall never for-get was old Doctor Mac! About A.D. 1888 he arrfved- with -his wife ank two daughters and one son. He arid the yourig man- landed • on Queen 'Strriet wharf clad in the- manh'er 6f fhe \vildest west arid armed tb the tedthl Up the whaff they led their thr e e'%0 meri and a wild rabble of hilarious sttiall bbys. I tliink they were disappointed at the absence'of cariniBals. ''"Later the^ 'called on me aiid knricunbbd their- rinalterable determination to carve a h'om'e' out !-o'f 'th'e wilderness."' Nothing 'but virgin bush would -kuit them. - - Unf or turiatelyi1 in - spe'ction 'seemed to -rfeveal some. fatal drawbaeks'-in • e'ach of th'e "numerouS blocks which I- submitted. Hoivev'e'i-, a well knowm local' legislator,- Whose one business- prineiple was neVer to sell any land which: he" might require; hapened to tell - me'-in- -a -fit'pf-ari-i 1 " ' * "

noyance at the increasing taxation and in the presence of many witnesses th'bt he would Sell a piece of land up the Harbour at a certain price. f thought of Dr. Mac. He inspected and bought. At the settlement of the business, our legislative friend refused to allow deduction of commission. Having Substituted a cheque for the gross amount, I said: "If you haven't paid the eommission by noon to-morrow you will get a sumrnons for -it." Whereupon, Dr.- Mac, who had an extremely ' loud voice, shouted. "Vai-le versus — . I shall be a witness," and roared with laughter. This so annoyed the- • parliamentarian that I really think he would have burst had he not givdn vent to one of the finest flows of lurid language that I have ever beeri privileged to hear. The good doctor was delighted 'with his purchase (thorigh therfef was no bush on it) and often came into see me. He would halt at the Queen St; door arid roar: "Mr. Vaile, you are the only honest land agent in- Auckland." I fear people thoughtT had hired him to do it! v ' Impressive Bidding. Subsequently, a piece of land adjoining his original . hoiaifig came into our hands for sale by auction and I well reiriember the impressive way in which the doctor bid. At a land sale most men bid by eleVatirig the left eye-brow or raising the little finger of the right hand. But' our friend, standing defiafttly f orth' in the middle of the rbom, expanded we'll his che'st and tbaredf oUt his bids,- then turning to the crOwd; and' glaring fier bely as who should say "Who will come •against me." 'His styl'e caused much merriment, but in th© end he Outbid'all' rivalS and Secured the sectioii: Good old doctor! ' He must lorig since have gone:wh'ere his great Voice should be most serVicehble. But perhaps the most curious clients of all were the wealthiest ones. Some of these were with incomes of thousands 'and expenditures of hundreds; whose only ettjoyment was eating the- : -Dead • Sea- > Truit : bf Seeirig their hoards accumulate. They would striiggle f oi? a-fiver at:the brink of the grav©.- ' "Unhappy soiils !' Wheri money getS on top- the man is well underneath'. Money is meaner and can- be almost as' degrading- as ' dririk. '"Well; th'e'yh'-ave gone to their rest; Verily they-haye gone to -th'eir rest. Verily excuse I have for them is- that they haVe-Teft- -their suc'cessors ' and the tvorld -richef in material -resources— in capitbl — the thing we all- desire for ourselVes, but'many-hate to see'in the possession of- others." • -