THE CROWN COUNCIL AGAIN

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 7, Issue 421, 25 October 1918, Page 3

THE CROWN COUNCIL AGAIN

(Written specially for the Times) The Kaiseb : Well, Doctor, do you think your Note will work better than MaTJyllian's ? Dr I think so, Your Majesty. You see he has not the good fortune to be a Prussian, and says what he thinks.

MAXTtfTTiJAif: I don't think your lies will go down any better with Wilson than my truth telling did. What is the use of telling him that we never sank passenger ships except by accident, and never, even by accident, fired on life saving boats, when old Von Tlrpitz here has bragged so often about the successful way we have done both these things. Admiral Tirpit/ : Well, it was the proper thing to do, was it not? And I don't know why Wilson should make a song about it. They were only English.

Maximilliax : Not all of them. Some of the last ones were Irish.

TheKawer: Yes, Adairal. Y<nr drowned "a lot of the best friends we had. Marshall, I hope what the Doctor has said about their being no injiry to French and Belgian prop erty in cur retreat is correct. Remember how I shed tears of agony over the destruction of Louvain.

Lvdbndorff : Well, yes, Your Majesty ; as true as that the present government is representative of and responsible to the German people. ITmDENBUBG : They are both infamous lies. I thank Heaven these old eyes have seen millions of pounds worth of enemy property destroyed and thousands of civilians killed ; and as for giving the common people o! Germany a vote. I'd rather Maxijiilliait : Silence, Marshall. You most not be so blunt. Remember we have a representative of the " Pukekohe Times " here. Do you want the whole British Empire to learn the truth ? To be plain Dr. Solf, I don't think your note will have any more effect than mine did. My opinion is that now Wilson has begun fighting he rather likes it, and does not want to leave off, What fools we were to believe him when he said he was too proud to fight. The Kaiser : Well, I suppose we will have to go on until he is inclined to listen to reason.

Ludekdorff : We cannot go on muc h longer. Already my men are refusing to face those brutal Eng lisb.

The Kaisfr : Poor fellows ! Naturally they shrink from meeting people who haye not the advantages of Kultur and the fine feelings that Prussian idealism has given them. But we must a&k them to overcome their natural repugnance to ruffianly associations. I will at once issue a proclamation to say that Britain and America are tired of the war and longing for peace, but have not the manliaess to say so. I will tell them that if they fight their best now we shall get good terms of peace, and the Fatherland will be secure from invasion. In the meantime I have ordered the submarines not to torpedo passenger boats because Mr Wilson .toes not like it. YoSTirpitz: I am afraid your Majesty has been listening to that low fellow Persins, who has had a tnrible down on me and my Bubmarines lately. Dr. Solf: Don't worry about Persins, Tirp old man. He is only hedging because he hopes to secure a billet as naval adviser to the Waikato River Board after the w<.r. Your Majesty, I think it necessary to inform you that Germauy is threatened with grave internal disorders became peace is delayed. Toe people even attacked Hindenburg's statue Hixdehbuhg: Never mind about t .at I pulled out all the gold and silver nails a while ago, andhave enough to retire upon. Dr Solf : Your Majesty has already had occasion to remark that the soldiers treat you with marked disrespect, and will not salute. New t'ie populace is furious with you. They call you "Wilbelm the Culprit," and say you will have to bear tio punishment for having started the war. Tiik Kaiser: I start the war? You know very Will it was my u tele, King Edward, who began this war. At anyrate, you remember that was what we agreed to say while the "Times" man was present. Well, gentlemen, what do you wish ? You know I offered to abdicate, and you would not let me. Maximilijan : Yes, in favour of your grandson. But the general opinion appears to be that the Hohenzollerns will have to go altogether. The Entente says that your family have been very bad neighbours and have kept Europe in a ferment for the last 150 years, and they will not come to any terms with you. Consequently the people say the Hohenzollerns will have to go or there will never be peace. You know the Hapburgs ate going too, so you will have companions in misfortune*nd there's Ferdy also—(Aside) he'll b9 a good companion for you for he's as crazy as you are.

The Kaiser : How dare you talk such absurdity to me. How can one conceive of Europe without a Hohenzollern as Over-Lord ? Who would compel the turbulent nations to keep the peace if We were removed ? What would the Atlantic do without an Admiral ? Can you imagine the Almighty stooping to consult w it'a a Lloyd Oeorge or a Wilson as to the proper way to run things here on earth. This nonsense must be stopped at once. I will write a letter to the " Pukekohe Times " to explain why the Hohenzollerns are an absolute necessity to the happiness and well-being of the world. I'll show you two (to Maximillian and Solf) that I can write Notes as well as either of you. Gentlemen, you may go. The Council is dissolved. FROM WILHELM (To the Editor.) Dear and highly respected Sir, — I have not always been in quite cor-

dial agreement with some of the sentiments expressed in your influential organ, but I have always heartily appreciated your evident desire to get at the truth, evinced by the fact that you alone among British editors ever troubled to send a reporter to the meetings of My Crown Council. (Please, Mr Printer, do not forget to put a capital M for My). I have lately been heating some ridiculous nonsense to the effect that the world could do very well without the Hohenzollern family, but I can assure you that that is an entirely erroneous notion. It has pleased God,—a mistaken idea perhaps, but 1 1 will not difcuss that just now—to divide the world into a number of nations of different languages and ideals. Then it struck Him that there would be everlasting discord among them unless there were one Supreme Ruler over them, and naturally He at once thought of My family and asked them to take over the pb. When my late lamented Uncle King Edward engineered this war I felt it was my duty to carry out my Divine Mission. I am afraid in doing so I have caused a little inconvenience to your people during the last four years, and I am sure you have not made it any too pleasant for us, but lam willing to let bygones be by-gones and allow you to have peace upon terms honourable and lucrative to the German nation. If poor dear Uncle would have listened to me and dismantled his Fleet, what countless lives it would have saved.

And now for my special message for New Zealand. You are probably aware that at the conclusion of the war I intend to hoist my fUg over all the Pacific islands. As a signal mark of my favour I am going to send you My Little Willie as jour King. The German people generously say they can get along quite well without him.

On reading what I have written I am so pleased with it that 1 am sorry I did not write the Peace Notes to Mr. Wilson myself, instead of letting those blunderers Maximillian and Solf do it. If you have any influence with Wilson please exert it to get him to agree to an early and reasonable peace, so that I can get Little Willie settled.—Yours etc,

WILHELM. Potsdam, October 24th, 1918.