VON HINDENBURG IN PARIS

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 7, Issue 365, 5 April 1918, Page 4

VON HINDENBURG IN PARIS

(An Imaginary Episode)

It will be remembered that about three months ago Von Hindenburg announced that he would be in Paris by April Ist. It waß net believed to be possible he would carry out his threat, but it appears that he has succeeded in doing so. Early yesterday morning a Pukekohe soldier seized what he supposed to be a spy sneaking through the front British trenches towards the German lines. Upon being searched the following letter was found upon him, a translation of which was sent to us by wireless.

Paris, April 2nd, 1918 To the most Mighty and Puissant Wilhelm 11, Kaiser of Germany, Lord of War, Admiral of the Atlantic, Arbiter of the Universe, and Over-Lord of Great Britain, France and the United States All-Highest, lam here. I have kept my word, and never again shall it be said that Von Hindenburg failed to carry out what he undertook to do. I entered Paris on the night of Sunday, March 31st, as the great clock chimed midnight from the tower of Notre Dame, and when later we make the news public the whole world will stand aghast at my achievement. At 11 p.m on the night of H»ly Friday my plans were matured, and in the darkness of a cloudy night I crept through our wire entanglements into No-man's land and crawled towards the British lines. The keenest eye would not have recognised in me the famous Field Marsha), the greatest soldier the world has ever known except yourself and the Crown Prince, whom may Gott reward according to his deserts. Attired in the simple dress

of an old female seller of vegetables.

with a basket upon my arm, a white cap on my head and a grey wig to hide the Prussian neck, which the good Gott has given to our race to show it shall never bend to the foreign yoke, I felt safe from detection. Mr progress was slow, for I had had*feut little practice in crawling in petticoats. My dangers were many, and my escapes miraculous. Once I heard an angry German voice in argument with two English Tommies. It was a Captain of the Prussian Guard whom these barbarians had basely captured while he was in supposed safety in the ' rear of his company, urging them on with threats and revolver bullets. They were dragging him along in the most brutal manner, while he was most properly and proudly refusing at the top of his voice to surrender to any but an officer. I heard one of these insolent islanders say : "If the pig won't tmae along quietly, stick him, and let's get along," but the other answered: "Crikey, no. If we take him in we'll get a cup of coffee," and they disappeared in the darkness, dragging him by the ears. Imagine it, Ail-Highest! A Prussian officer's life in the balance against a cup of coffee. I was so dazed with what I went through that I have no recollection of how I got through the British lines. All I know is that the soldiers bought all my vegetables. And they paid for them too, which proves them to be

fools who will never inherit the earth. One clown of a fellow seeing me trembling thought I was cold, and gave me his tot of rum, which I drank with the silent aspiration that Gott might strafe him. { Of my journey to Paris I remember nothing. All I know is that I found myself beneath the clock as it struck, and exclaimed " The day has come." " Yes," said a voice close

beside me, " and Hindenburg is in Paris." I turned in deadly fear. So I was discovered in spite of my disguise. I could feel my hair lifting up my wig and I knew the pallor was whitening my wrinkled cheeks, bronzed with fifty years of service in the German Army. And here I must pause to gratefully thank yon, All Highest. Had you not graciously freely attributed to the Creator of all things an almost equal share of the credit for the achievements you might honestly have claimed for yourself alone He would never have inspired me with the happy thought to put on a woman's skirts. Had it been seen how my knees were knocking together I had been infallibly lost.

Seeing the effect upon me my neighbour burst into a hearty laugh, " Poisson D'Avril," he cried. i April Fish. The French equivalent for April Fool.) " Why, mother, who would have thought the name of that lying old boaster and braggart would have given you such a fright. I was cruelly wounded. Liar I am, or I would disgrace the name of Prussian officer, but to hear myself, the moat modest man in Germany, saving thee, All Highest and his Highness the Crown Prince, called boaster and braggart. Why, when I made the impregnable Hindenburg line that those fools of English tumbled over and broke to pieces last autumn, I often used to talk about other things. And it wax impregnable too, only these verdamset islanders had not the brains to know it. How little they are worthy of the honour of fighting with the brave and intelligent Germans may be judged from the fact that I have seen them advance to attack us kicking a football in front of them as if war was a game instead of a science. How proud I was to see our brave troops retiring hastily to avoid the degradation of too closo a contact with men so utterly devoid

of the dignity and decorum that every soldier should have.

But it was better to be abused than discovered Much relieved I turned towards the man who had befooled me. " And supposing Hin.len>urg really did come," said I, ' what would you do '" " Dang

him to that lamppost," said he, with a derisive grin, " and his master the Kaiser to the next one." All Highest, you and I must never come to this town except in impenetrable disguises. If they could talk thus coolly of hanging the greatest Field Marshal the world has over known and the Overlord of the Universe they would not think twice

of killing our bravo soldiers rather than surrender Paris to them.

All Highest, T have now been looking round Paris for nearly two days There is one thing that reminds mo strongly of my beloved Fatherland and that is the number of Iron Crosses that are worn. Only here it is the women that wear them, not the men. On making enquiries I found they are given to them by the poilus (French soldiers) who come home on leave with their pockets full of them. It appears that when our courageous soldiers, satiated with the slaughter of the enemy, to save further bloodshed advance with arms uplifted and hearts full of brotherly love, crying with voices trembling with emotion " Kamerad, Kamerad " they seize them and despoil them of their crosses. Even those pinned on by thine own august hand for deeds of special gallantry such as burning a house with women in it, or bayoneting a baby in its cradle, our noble soldiers are not permitted to retain. All-Highest, we will not seek to penetrate further into the country of these despicable and degraded people. As thou knowest, I once invaded England and captured London—in a book—and I would rather do it all over again—in the same way—than lead my brave men to where they would be subjected to the brutal outrages of these bloodthirsty poilus. Let us both solemnly swear that we will not capture Paris and that it shall never know the ennobling benefit of Prussian kultur. All-Highest, 1 am sending thee this by a safe hand, one of thine innumerable agents in Paris, and trust it will reach thee soon to prove that Von Hindenburg is not only the bravest and greatest soldier in the world but a man of his word.

ARNHEIM VON HINDENBUEG : Field-Marshal.