THIS WEEK'S BEST STORIES.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 6, Issue 282, 8 June 1917, Page 4 (Supplement)

THIS WEEK'S BEST STORIES.

FINGER LANGUAGE. An amusing story is told of the Rev. J. Towyn Jones, M.P., the new Junior Lord of the Treasury and Welsh Liberal Whip. He once officiated at a deaf-and-dumb wedding in Carmarthenshire, the bride and bridegroom nuking their by means of the linger language. After the ceremony a lady who had witnessed the affair said to him, "Very nice quiet wedding, sir, but did you notice an impediment in the bridegroom's speech?" "No,'' the minister said. "Oh yes," replied the visitor, "the top of one of his forefingers is nrssing." LOST HIS CASE. Mr. Josephus Daniels, Secretary of the L'.S. Navy, is a Southerner by birth and practised as a lawyer in his native State of North Carolina before taking >up politics. Once he was called upon to defend a white man charged with killing a negro by heaving bricks at his head. .Mr. Daniels, whi is a born orator, drew a touching picture of the unhappy prisoner languishing in his cell, finishing with the words: "Just imagine him, gentlemen, shut off from the outer world, surrounded by brick walls through which be cannot break, cut off from the sight of the blue vault of heaven unable to hear the birds sing, or see God's green fields: gentlemen, to rob him of these things would break hi~ heart, it would "

The council for the prosecution here roFe nuietly and said:

"Gentlemen, may I point cut that all these remarks apply equally well to the nigger, with the difference that it was not the nigger's heart th.it was broken—it was his head." The jury, who had been affected by the oratory of Mr. Daniels, at once saw the hollowness of the defence — w ith uncomfortable results for the prisoner. SEEKING SAFETY. That genial and witty Irishman. General Sir Bryan Mahon. who was recently appointed Irish Privy Councillor, tells a good story of an experience that befell him during the Khartoum expedition when he held the rank of brevet lieutenant-colonel. During one cf the many scraps he had with the Dervishes, he noticed that one of the privates was following him everywhere, and at the end cf the day he said: "You've stuck to me well this day, Private Rooney."

"Yes sor." replied Kooney, saluting smartly. "Me ould mother she sez to me sez she, 'Patrick, me buoy, stick to the colonel and ye'll be all right. Them colonels never git hurt.' " A TRAGEDY OF TWIN'S. M'S3 Mary Brough. the clever actress, who, in her part of the modern Mrs. Malaprop. is responsible for screams of laughter nightly in that entertaining play, Monty's Flapper, recently told an amusing story cf the naming of twins. "A friend of mine." she said, "had the good fortune —or misfortune — to have three sets of twins, and as each pair came the parents puzzled their brains to discover suitable names for them.

"The first pair, being girls, were called Kate and Duplicate; the second, a brace of boys, were named Peter and Repeater; and the third also beys. Max and Climax. "But the question then arose, what if there should be a fourth, and even a fifth pair? "A young lady solved the difficulty respecting the fourth by suggesting Ann and Another while in the case of a fifth a well-known authoress came to the rescue by suggesting Hugh and Cry." EVERYONE FOR HIS OWN. For quickness of platform repartee the (following wo-ald, I think, be hard tc beat. The incident occurred during the course of an addre:s that Mr. Lloyd George was delivering to a Welsh audience on the project then known as "Home Rule All Round." Said L. (i.. "I stand for Home Rule for Ireland" —great cheering. "Home Rule for Scotland" —some cheers. 'Home Rule for gallant little Wales"—thunders of applause, and then a voice: "'Ome Rule for ■ell!" and yells of laughter, hisses and catcalls. • rtight." paid Lloyd George, "quite right. I like to see a man stand up for his own country!" 'HERE" IN LATIN. I recently heard the following stcrv —whicli by the way. conveys a warning to juvenile students of Latin—told in his inimitable way by th* prince of comedians. Mr. Walter Passmore. It concerns a certain family by the name of Jones. It was a large family -so large, in fact, that Jones senior was compelled to call the role at meal-time-. The procedure cne Sunday was as follows:

'• 'Erbcrt?" '■ 'Ere, Pa!" " Ere. Pa!" " Oriee?" '• Enery?" " 'Ere. Pa!" " Albert?'" Xow Albert had been studying Latin, and wishing to show his knowledse. he answered: "Adjsum. Pa!" "What! you've 'ad some, 'ave yer. Well, yer jist Kit dahn ;*n' make room tor them mat ain't!"