PITHY PARS.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 6, Issue 270, 27 April 1917, Page 3 (Supplement)

PITHY PARS.

AX EASY WINNER

The Hun officer who had been taken prisoner offered his gold watch in exchange for his life being spared, and,

as he insisted on it, the two "Jocks'" who wore his captors were non-plussed. However one of them said that whoever told the biggest lie was to have the watch, and if the prisoner could beat them in the story-telling he was to keep tin.' watch. First one Scottie was to toil Jus yarn, then the German prisoner, and finally the other Bcot.

The first then started and told a story that was an absurd lie from beginning to end. Then their Teutonic captive commenced 111 slow ton<s: "There—once —was —o —Prussian —gentleman

"Here!'" cri.od the second Scot with resignation, "that settles it! Keep that watch!"

A MORNING TRAGEDY

"What's the matter, old man!'" he said, as tnev met the next morning. "You look blue."' " I feel blue." "Rut last night you were the jolliest. member of our party." •' I (felt jolly." "You acted like a boy just let out of school." " I felt like one."

"You said that your wife had gone away for the first fl me in three years, and there wasn't anyone to say a word if you went home and kicked over »he hall clock." "I remember it. "

You said that if yen staved out until four o'clock there was no one to look at you reproachfully, and sigh, and make you feel mean."

"Yes, and I stayed out until then, didn't I?"

"You certainly <Vd." "And I gave a war-whoop on thefront doorstep?"' "Yes, and you sang a verse from a comic opera song, and tried to dance jifj"

"Yes, and my wife missed that train. Now. please, go away, and let me alone I"

ANOTHER WOMAN

The e:>Ion~l bel'.oved in soldiers being bachelors, so he usually refused his men permission to marry.

One applicant turned away looking so downcast that even the officer * stern heart was touched. "Look here, my tnan," he said, "come to me again in a year's time, and if you still want to Ik? married, I'll give my consent."

The year passed Again the private applied; the colonel was quite taken aback.

"Well, well, I really must give you permission," he smiled. "I never expected to find such constancy in either in an or woman."

The private saluted. "Thank you, sir," he said gratefully; "b-but please, sir, it ain't the same women."

HELPS FOR INSOMNIA

A favourite prescription for insomnia i;; a bowl of bread-and-milk taken before going to bod. A glass of hot m'lk sprinkled with nutmeg is also a recommended remedy for sleeplessness, and another vaunted cum is a glass of cold water. Tho position of the head may have a great deal to do with sleeplessness—either the head may be too high or too low—and, again, i.mpropej" ventilation may be the cause of the trouble. These littlo faults can easily be remedied.

TWO GOOD HINTS

To clean white buckskin shoes, take a small brush and make a, lather of good scouring soap; brush the lather thoroughly into the shoes, and, when dry, brush off any remains of the soap. The shoes should then look beautifully fresh.

Wash silk handkerchiefs in tepid water with a little borax in it, and iron them while damp.

FASTI 1)10 IS. "What's the matter, Hawkins!-'' ".Matter enough! You know, some time ago. I assigned all my property to my wife, to —er —keep ]t out of tli6 hands I am indebted to you know." "Yes."

"Well, she's taken the money oncl gone off —says she wou't live with me because I've swindled my creditors." — "New Orleans Times-Picayune."

XEW KETTLE WANTED

An angry mother held her little son. by tho hand, and held a menacing cane. "I'll teach you to tic a kettle to the dog'.-: tail!'' she said. "It wasn't our doge' said the boy. " N'o, but it was our kettle," said the thriftv mother.

FACTS VERSUS FANCY

" I am sure, Maggie,"' said the mildly crit'cal mother-in-law. "that any weman ought to be satisfied with what John says he gives you." "So would I be with what he ?ays he gives me," snapped Maggie.

A party of Now Yorkers were hunting m the "piiiey woods'' of Georgia and bid as an attendant ail old negro whov fondness for big words is characteristic of t!io race. One of the hunters, knowing the old African s bent, remarked to luni: —

• I'licfe Mn.se. the indentations iu term firms in t-his locality render travelling in a vehicular conveyance without springs decidedly objectionable and painful asiatoniKal.y. Don t you think

Viule Mose scratched his left oar a moment and replied, with a slow shako of hi l ; woolly head: — •'.Mi-tali George the exuberance ob voh words am beyon' mail jurydiction.'

She was shopping. Sue drifted into the pla"e where they sell blank.°ts. Kelt rinr roll was depa-itnl and spread out before her. Still she listlessly asked far more. Initially, with brazen face- slv i emarked as she rose : •Oh. well I don't reallv mrnn to ' \ :ini- 1 - . .ii'.v In- , ,11_ tor -t 11 flul i'r . *A 1.1 :> n:«•.l''-111. It::i'a»t. sa :,i

\,, i ii! rcligio.i*- . ,-i.. d:— "Is it my lx'lief ye'd b» asking about ' J Tt's the >ame as the \\ idow Rradv. I owe her twelve shillings tor whisky, an' sin I believes I'll never pay her. and. faith, I :'.:.t's nu- Uliei too."