TWENTY MILLION CURES FOR RHEUMATISM.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 6, Issue 266, 13 April 1917, Page 2 (Supplement)

TWENTY MILLION CURES FOR RHEUMATISM.

% a BEWILDERED sufferer. A few weeks ago I contracted rheumatism. It luu> enlarged my circle ot acquaintances as nothing elso could have enlarged it. There is no missionary (Work fjo eager and fervid us that of the people who know the only cure for rheumatism. Men who liavo scarcely ever spoken to 1110 come up saying, *' Oh, I hear that you have got rheumatism! Now, if you will only try " Neighbours who only give me a casual nod enter my railway compartment and begin, "Oh, So-and-So tells me that you have got rheumatism. As it happens I can c.ure you." An omnibus conductor forgot to collect his fares while lie to!d ma the only cure. A waiter let his other customers shout for him while he told me the only cure. A clock-winder came into my oflice; I foolishly told him that I was suffering from rheumatism; he stayed two hours expatiating upon tho one and only cure. The first thing that a sufferer from rheumatism discovers is that all the doctors are wrong in their treatment of it. Pert wine, 1 have always understood from doctors, is a poison for rheumatic people. But one of the twenty million lay curers assures mo that port wine is my only iiope. "What do you drink?" he saked severely. "Nothing between meals," 1 answered with a clear conscience, " water for lunch, a weak wlusky-and-scda with dinner." "No port?" "Certainly not." "All! just as 1 suspected. Rheumatism is the result of under-alimentation of the blood corpuscles. It is mara&mus of tho polymorphonuclear corpuscles induced by faulty metabolism " "How do you get all that medical knowledge ?" "It isn't medical knowledge. It's common sense. What you want is port, two glas«ea of a sound vintage twice a day. It iceds the red corpuscles, they reciprocate with the white corpuscles; and then your circulation becomes normal. Rheumatism's all a matter of faulty circulation. My father was a martyr to it. romember as a boy hearing hrim rcrcam with pain. He tried everything—home and foreigu spas, dieting, electrio baths, massage, drugs of all kinds. For two years he was bedridden. Eight months after he began tho pore, euro he climbed the Matterhorn. I shall send you a dozen bottles of a sound wine to-morrow."

Dieting, I have always understood from tho doctors, is tho cardinal treatment of rheumatism. But not if lam ti. believe another lay specialist. "Feed up. Dcn't mipd what tho doctors say. Eat plenty of rod meat, pastries, and all rich foods. Unpatriotic? Not at all; your country wants your work as a fit man. I know all about rheumatism. My poor mother was a martyr to it. iSho had to l'e on her back five years. Then somebody told her of the feeding-up cure. She completed it with a walking tour in the Yorkshire diles—a great country for feeding up, Yorkshire. She never had rheumatism again. 1 shall send you a few bottles of Blank's Point-Steak Extract." Another man became almost apopleptic when ho discovered that I was wearing woollen underclothing. "The whole thing explained!" ho cried. ''Wool next to the skin is tho cau';e of our national curso of rheumatism. You will to a cripple in a year's timo if you don't give dt up. Do you imagine that the ancient Britons knew nothing about rheumatism? What did they wear? What did Boadicea ?" "Do you think I'm go'ng up to the City in a woad loungo suit?" laskcd stiffly. '"Don't interrupt—if yon want to be cured. There's moderation in all things. Wear cotton. Wear as little clothing as possible. Rheumatism's only a matter of clothes coddling. I had an uncle who was a martyr to it. His sufferings were awful. He became fo irascible that his family could not live with him. Then ho was induced to try 'skin aeration.' Ho wore tho lightest clothes he could buy. Every morning, winter and summer rain, snow, or shine, he put on a bathing costume and ran forty times round the lawn. He never had another twinge." Another friend asked me, "Why do the Tibetans never have rheumatism?" "Ask me another," I snarled. My rheumatism wa-s bad that morning. Don't be flippant" ne rejoined. " I'm trying to help you. The Tiibetans never have rheumatism because they wrap themselves up like mummies. Every 1 rbetan wears a coat of undressed sheepskin with the ■wool turned outwards." "Haw can I go about like that?" "\ou needn't. Wear two sets of woollen underclothing and tho thickest suit your tailor ran make. No more rheumatism."

"Tako the morning bath as hot as you can bear it," said one man. "If your bath water is not cold enough, put a lump of icon it," ?aid another man. "Tho morning bath fetish, hot, cold, or tepid," said another, "is the ca-itee of all tho rheumatism that racks our race. Rub yourself down with a dry towel each mornng, and only bathe once a month, like the Tierra-dcl-Fuogians-. Rheumatism is unknown to them." " Boat use towels," said another. "Mv cousin James was a martyr to rhcuniat'sni until he gave up towels. Toweh rub off all the natural unguents of tho epdermis. Jump about in the bathroom until von are dry."

One of my would-bo helpers is urging mo to go to a certain hotel at Ramsgate. No other hotel and no otlier seaside piaco will avail. In the hotel at Ramsgatp I am to half fill my bath with seaweed, turn Lot water on until the hath is nearly full, and then pet into the hath, burrow down into the and stay there for an hour, repeating the process for a fortnight. "How am I to g< t past the hall por-t<-r each day with ny barrow of seaweed!'" 1 demanded. "It's rather a swagger hotel." "That's your aff.ur," ho replied. "I can <nly tell you that niv brother was cured hv it. after going to every specV'i i If you won't go to Ramsgate 1 shal' «nd at. once for a few hundredweight '•' seaweed for you t.i use at home. 1: won't he so efficatiions, hut it will give you relief." I am now sitt'o.g. nursing my rheu-mati-m. in a house filled with strange good*. Thnty-two people have sent mo their speeilic•=> for rheumitism. The railway and the post have delivered a crato of seaweed, a case o-f port, a lies of meal extract, a parcel of woollen

ri"ht to act independent lv of the Err.scopjito when he made his tirst pronouncement on th;i subi- t permitting women to speak in the chureho*. If in t.iis matter ono R s'm-i only was sufficiently convinced <>f the' righteousness of the act, and Mtfiic ritly courageous to do it. ho would license some qualified woman to preach m his d : ocese. Many churches would imm -d'ately bo open to her for clnrgvmon are to he found of ,-vei-y school of thought in sympathy with tbe movement.

underclothing, another parcel of ti cal ditto, packets of all sorts of b and bottles of all of mixti Letters arrive by every post. I J just opened one. It begins as the do:

"Dear , Awfully sorry to that you have rheumatism. Howt I can euro you. My father wi martyr to it. He tried evervthuu; til "

After a few weeks of listenini otlier people's cures for it the sufi from rheumatism becomes wary. X liis face is contorted by a twinge 1 onco (before they can get a wort explains to the relative, friend, quaintance, stranger, client, eusto or servitor who nas seen him wince ho has just remembered 6omethinj ought to have dene or was thin about tho price of potatoes —anyl rather than bring upon himself th« fermgs of listening to another cur rheumatism. I know a man who crippled with rheumatism that his door existence is spent n a bath-cl To avoid hearing cures for rheuma ho tells everybody that he lost the of his linilw in a gunpowder cxplo