ARMY RED TAPE.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 229, 24 November 1916, Page 5 (Supplement)

ARMY RED TAPE.

REGULATIONS TOMMY ABHORRED. There were many irritating regulations of tfoo red tape order to which soldiers were subjected before real live war knocked them on the head. A personal adornment dear to to the heart of the typical Tommy Atkins used to bo what regimentally was known an a "quiff" in plainer language, a rakish-looking tuft of hair protruding over the forehead. So enamoured were many of the men with this hirsute appendage that at the bottom of their kit bags they kept curlingtongs to induce the quiff to grow up into the precise shape desired. But, ;Ua3, quiffs were practically taboo in most battalions, though what haa'm they did was not tray to see Colonels, with many individual weaknesses of their own, severely condemned them; and younger officers, taking their cue from the older ones, also ruled them out of order with a stern hand. Nevertheless, this masterly opposition ofcly matte some lady-killing Tommies "the mom assiduous in their cultivation of them, and the most antagonistic C.O. • could never be quite certain that his antipathy to quiffs had killed the habit. Sometimes, however, Nemesis would overtake the quiff votary, and tho whole shoiw be given away. This ,s what happened on parade one day, when a certain w,ixy major, who was death on all irregularities, took occasion to object to-a pipeclay spot on' a man's cap. When the oep was removed, out popped it quiff, like some Jack-in-the-box. Spluttering with indignation, the mapor ordered every headpiece off, when, lo! erring tufts of hair appeared all along the line, the sequel being a barber's order and leave stopped for six days. •xoLLoaasNi lIH JO SIUIM Kit inspection is another grievance of the " rank and filer." As a rule, it is a mere formality, but at times a 'cute notion will come into the head of the C.0., and a surprise—and by :io means informal —inspection is made jtfSt before pay day. A hundred Tommies swear under, their breath, and await the inevitable. Numerous little regulation items have been lost —or, as is more likely, sold to more fortunate comrades under stress of embarrassing genury, and would have been replenished on the morrow. Now the loss will have to be made good all the same, with an added penalty of stopped leave, a punishment dose of whitewashing, or the equally hateful pack-drill. As the committee of inspection conies round, intent on enjoying a pleasant fore-noon, Tommy is a picture of droll despair. The man with pencil and notebook is busy. A "greyback" is short here, a set of brushes wanting there. One private is minus his walking-out trousers, having raised five shillings on them a few days before, while another fellow cannot even produce a kit-bag. EMBARRASSING DETAILS. A spick-and-span regiment, dear to the heart of every British officer m peace times at least, can only be assured, in the opinion of many C.O. s by a microscopic sort of examination of the units. Nothing is quite too small to escape, observation. Perhaps the pipeclay is too dark-coloured, or maybe it is too white on the wrong place. Then, as really happened in at least one instance, n hair straddling a pnvte's tunic may load to his being logged. To make matters worse in the case referred to the officer examined it so closely that the victim was unmercifully chaffed by his comrades for days afterwards that if it was discovered to belong to a woman a more serious charge might have to be preferred against him. Another misdemeanour is badly polished buttons or, heinoas offence, one of them missing. Should Tommy, in an unguarded moment, explain that it dropped off on the way to parade, an additional charge may be launched against him of knowingly liarbouring loose buttons! Perhaps there is nothing the soldier has more reason some time or other v. bis career to anathematise more heartily than barrack damages. He may be tho host-conducted man on earth and ntill have the pleasure of being mulcted in a handful of coppers on pay day to cover barrack vandalism. The joke of tho thing, though it is scarcely one to him, is that the broken grate or table cluargod for was damaged many year,, ago, never repaired, yet religiously debited against every visiting regiment. THE SALUTING PROBLEM. A question which at present is considerably exercising our young soldiers concerns saluting, and it may be some consolation to them to know that t has ever been a vexed one. Some officers are almost fanatical in their saluting enthusiasm, quite forgetful on oo en si ons that when dressed in mufti there is no obligation on their men to salute at ail, apart from tho difficulty of recognition. One C.0., now happily retired, was a holy terror to hiis men, especially recruits, in this respect, but lie received somewhat of a unock on one occasion. A new man doing sentry-go, well aware of his superior officer's weakness, and also that ho was in plain clothes that day, hut not being so sure of his identity, saluted everybody in mufti that passed through the barracks' gate. In this way he honoured the Colonel's tailor, who, quite pleased with himself, mentioned tho matter to his patron. Then the fat was in tho fire with a vengeance, the disgusted sentry being severely wigged and C.B. for a week J awarded him. I There are few things the soldier rails moi'o at in peace time than the weekly ( medical examination. As a rule it s formal—sometimes almost farcically j so. But, on the other hand, the examination may blossom out into an infliction at the will of some martinet Perhaps in the middle of n march, with the roads anything but bone dry and the air the reverse of genial, the order is given and off come tunic*, boots, and socks, amid a suppressed flow of appreciative remarks, which are renewed with generous freedom when the barracks £i,iv r<ached.