CHLOROFORMED IN HOSPITAL.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 219, 20 October 1916, Page 4 (Supplement)

CHLOROFORMED IN HOSPITAL.

A SOLDIER ENJOYS ANAESTHESIA. Private Robert Smith groaned and shut his eyes. The doctor was coming down the ward. He reached the bel, and Smith snored vociferously. " Well, my lad, how are you to-day?" Another grunt emanated from tho victim taking cover under the blankets, but the doctor persisted, and the unforunate private, with a final snort of disapproval, opened his eyes and vawned lazily. The doctor seized the opportunity to insert a thermometer into the cavity. " Now. be careful. If you bite that and swallow the mercury I may not oe able to pull you through." The patient sighed and sucked vehemently at the thermometer; he had been given nothing to eat for twentyfour hours, pending an operation. When the doctor considered that his victim had derived sufliicent nourishment from the end of the thermometer, he removed <it and began to count his pulse. The vital proceeding being satisfactorily accomplished, he assumed * professional attitude and inquired if the patient had been suffering any pain. Smith had not, »ut he believed in taking full advantage of the free medical attendance in the hospital, and giving the doctors something to do, so he described an imaginary malady, to whi ; ch the doctor applied a long name. But contrary to the patient's expectations he did not prescribe the usud bottle^

JOB'S COMFORTER. "Now* young man, I'm sorry to say that we find it necessary to perform a slight operation," said the doctor with a cheery grin, and Smith's heart sanit within him, although he had faced boldly a storm of shot and a hedge of German bayonets. For hj? was not like the innn who tvas shot in the left side, but survived the wound because his hear" had been in His mouth at the time. The doctor noticed the downcast expression on his victim's fac,e, and endeavoured to cheer him up. "Don't you worry. There's a fellow down there with his spinal column fractured, and he's jitst dying, ;o you're not so badly off." Every invalid has encountered and inwardly strafed the Job's comforter that tells h'm of somebody else far worse than h'mself. He was moved with considerable difficulty from the ward, and another man aproached him. The assistant tormentor wore a white jacket that reminded Smith of the oid days wheti he had officiated as the local painter of Bally hash, and had worn just such u jacket, only decorated with > a pattern of ornamental stripes and blotches '.n various colours, wrought out by persistent contact with the lingers of its owner, who, possessing the truly artistic toi-iporanient, paid no attention to such trilling matters as keeping h : s jacket clean or washing his hands. Evidently the private, iika Mrs. M'Ginty had l'ttle idea of the wide use of the white jacket by men of professional stand'iig. Mrs. M'Ginty was sent to an infirmary to hnd a student coming out for a doctor, whom she was to recognise by his white coat. She arrived at the building, and meeting a person thus attired she asked him if he was a student coming out for a doctor. / "Noa," was the reply. "I'm a painter coming oot for a drink." The new assailant, however, held a towel, which, without ceremony, he clapped over the vital organs of Smith's handsome physiognomy. The worthy private had been on the edge ot a cloud of asphyxiating gas, but ho did not appreciate the del'cate aroma cf the fumes, Which he was now forced to inhale. GETTING iXTO IT.

"Count," shouted the man in tiie white coat encouragingly, "one, two, tlir.ee." Smith decided that ha was a liitlo bit off in tl>© top story, but resolved to humour hun in case he m'ght do any damage. The counting began and continued steadily up to twelve, two or three tun,os iwifth great d-dilier.ajtion. The white-coated individual prompted "thirteen" coaxingly, but try as he would Smith could not proceed. He was conscious of the ignominy. This senseless lunatic was presuming to teach an ex-student of the Ballyhash Board School to count. It was unbearable. He tried to let out at his adversary with his foot, but at that moment lie felt himself sinking, down—down —down — Ho put forth all his strength and raised himself with a desperate effort, '' but wis promptly shoved down again by the gentleman with the asphyxiating gas, this time assisted by the doctor, and, with a hazy p'eture of th.> 1' iter's satisfied smile, foil unconscious'. Smith groaned and stirred uneasdv. Ho was under cf a terrible nightmare. The lion had jus{ overtaken him, after an exciting chase round the coal cellar, and sat enjo\mg a prospective meal. But, fortunately, he woke up with a start before the ferocious animal had completed more than a preliminary at his left leg. He was aware of a .feeling of vague thankfulness, not unmixed with one of commiseration for the lion, for he was a thorough sportsman, and considered that the animal deserved some reward after its long and iweary peregrinations in the coal cellar. He even felt an inclination to revisit the scene of his recent escapade and offer it some refreshment in the form of a glass of lemonade and a few mutton chops, htu ho reflected that it would probably be hungry, and might prefer himself to the chops and lemonado.

His head ached and he could not make out his surroundings. But soon the wall opposite hovo in sight and became gradually clearer with the slowhut sure progress of th.e development of <1 photographic plate. The pictures, or rather, the picture, for the room only hoasted, or perhaps T should say apologised for, one, caught his eye. To his dazed vision it took on the semhlanc/i of the launching of Noah's Ark, and the patriarchal beards of the men, who figured in the scene wellnigh confirmed this id-ea. But there were no an ma Is, and a picture of Noah's Ark without a f,ow elephants and kangaroos and such like would f>e an absurdity. His second impression put it down as "Tho Wreck of the Birkenhead" hut as his senses returned ho recognised tho landing of the Pilgrim Fathers. At that moment, however, something else occupied his attention. A loud and strangely familiar voire was holding forth with great gusto, finite near him. Where had he heard that voice before? A thrill of surprs"d iivtere.t him as he applied himself to make out the weals. v.h'eh lie was ii!"tering involuntarily. "D ■ that idiot o[ a doctor. Curs-' the -.illy D- ill the fie stopped sudd. lily, for 'the '.crada development of the physical I'en tus of th'* room was complete, and there at the side of the bed .-food (lie doctor un.l his assistant.— Will Ash.