THE TALE OF A "TILE."

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 219, 20 October 1916, Page 2 (Supplement)

THE TALE OF A "TILE."

What on earth are you doing ?" sai l my wife, coming into the room just ;.s I turned the contents of the wardrobe on to the floor. "I'm hunting for my tilo," I said. "Your tile? - ' " Yes. my tile. My topper, stovepipe, sleever. You know what a tile is, don't you?" "You mean your silk hat?" "Now you've hit it. Where is it?' ; "I'm sure 1 naven't the faintest idea. Where did you leave : t Inst!'" "Now, for goodness sake don't start asking foolish questions like that. Whore did 1 leave it last! When did you over see me use it at all?" "That's just it," said my wife, ">"u never have used it, and why on earth you should want it to-day of all day> is what beats me. "Well I do want it to-day. Isn't this Empire Dayi'" "Yes," she admitted; "but this day last year was Empire Day, too, and yet you never .went on like this." "No, but this Empire Day is different. To-day, as you are aware, we are presenting a Clock Tower to the Argentine Nation." "Well: what about ft? Can't it V presented unless you have a silk hat on your head?" "No," I said, "it can't —that is :■) say, not properly. Tins is a unique occasion, an historical, diplomatic occasion. What 'is mere, this presentation is going to be a typically solemn British function, and you know that, when we Britishers take in hand i thing like this we do it thoroughly and properly, or not at all." "That's all right; but who told vor that s'lk hats were indispensable?" "No one told me. I don't require to be told a thing liko that. One knows instinctively. On such an occasion as this the proper—in fact the only —correct dross is a frock coat and ta.l hat." "H'm. I don't know about that, 1 ' said my wife. ''l seem to have see'i heaps o£ afternoon functions and tho men were all in evening dr.ess." " Evening dress! Evening dress for an afternoon afiair! Bah! Rubish!" I said "rubbish" on principle, it would never do to let one's wife imagine she was an authority on anything connected with male attire. Nevertheless, I had some secret misgivings. 1 too, seemed to remember seeing those photos she spoke about. "Even il it were .evening dress which I don't for a moment admit— I'd still need that tile," I said, "so do mo the favour to help me hunt for it." "Personally," went on my wife, 'I think tho correct thing for an affair l:ko th:s is a morning-coat." "A morning-coat?" Hang it &II! Ther.o seemed to be something in that, too. A morning-coat certainly looked smart and dressy. In fact, I rather fancied myself in a morning coat wr/.i

nice suede gloves. But no, on reflection, the thing was too ridiculous. How could it be either a morning coat o. evening dress for an afternoon show? "Either that," continued my wife, " oi' " "Maria," I interrupted, "please don't suggest anything else. If you ;_ j on like this you'll be haying me go in tennis flannels or nd'ng breaches. As a matter of fact, you don't know what you're talking ahout. You must allow mo to know what- 's what in a case like this. I'm going to this function properly dressed in a irock coat and tife hat or not at all. Now that that's settled, let's go back to business. IV» maanged to find the frock coat myself while you were out, so kindly help ma to get the hat. Where can a tile hat d to? It's a mystery to me how things disappear in this house. Some of you women would lose the clock tower itself if you had the minding cf it." "It's not my hat we're looking for,'* she said.

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' "No. I know it's not your hat. If it were, we'd find it soon enough. t would be carefully laid away in lavender or something. Being only mine, how,ever, it's a different thing." I The servant oventually found the hat. She found it in the cellar, it had heen a repository tor naiTs. !t , looked it, too. j "That's nothing/' said my wit'®, i "Those stains and creases'll come out all r'glit with a hot cloth. But do you really intend to wear it?"' ■ "Of course I intend to wear it. Whv not?" "I've never seen a tall hat in th.'s j suburb all the years we've been here." "Well, if you look you'll see one to day; so just get a move 011 and put n polish on it while I'm getting drvssed " i Sho came back in a few minutes holding it aloft. "Just look at it," j slio sa'd; "it looks liko new.' It certainly was improved, and would have given h.er a word or two of praise if I hadn't other things to of, "Never mind the hat,' I said, "what about this? Here's a pretty go. This frock coat, which I've never had on once, is all moth-eaten. Just look at it." , I held it up for h.er inspection, 't looked as if it had been riddled w.:th bullets. ' "There's a nice state of affairs. Now, all through your carelessness, I'll have to go in a. dress suit or morning coat, and probably look idiotic in whatever I put on. It's downright disgusting." I decided, after much deliberation, to don the dress su't. After all, there's something reassuring about evening ; dress, 110 matter wnat the occasion. I didn't wear the tile, though—at least, I didn't wear it further than the fir,t two squares. By the time I had got that length I had a following of small boys and dogs. There was a peanut i nan, too, whom I could have brained. • Ho walked 011 ,11 front —backwards- • waving his arms and tooting a. bug'}. I took the wretched hat off, and doubled back home, carrying it behind ' me. I "What's the matter," asked my wife at the gate, ' forgotten something?" "No," I said, "but it's a bit windy, and this tile doesn't lit' any too securely. I'll be safer with my bowler." I effected the change quickly, and was b'dding my wrc a second hurried • good-bye when Jorkins passed on tlu> other side of the street. '■ "Hullo, old man," lie called, "aro you coming?" "Coming where?" 1 "Clock Tower function. Wc- can just make that train if you come now.'" Great Scott ! He was in a blue suit —a blue suit and a Homburg hat! "You walk on, ana I'll make up on you in a couple of minutes," I shoutf»;d, darting into the house. "Here, j Maria, quick. Don't stand staring I there, but help 1110 sfi'ed these things, nnd then get out my blue suit. Did you see if he had on a white waistcoat !or " j "It doesn't matter whether he had ; or not," said my wife, "yours is in the wash anyway, and you'll have to loo'< «l ; ppy if you want thau train; that clock's three mmutes slow." I didn't make up on Jorkins, or anything likjo it. After running fit to break my neck, the train sailed out of tile station when I was still squares away. They tell me it was a magnificent ceremony—solemn and impressive. It may have been. Next t'me the British j community presents a Clock Tower, however, I hope to goodness someone with authority will stipulate once and for all what is the correct dress for the occasion. It seems to me we Britishers have no more idea what to wear in a case like tnat than —than my tile hat. —P.P.C., in the "Buenos Aires Herald."