ATTILA THE HUN.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 203, 25 August 1916, Page 4 (Supplement)

ATTILA THE HUN.

WHAT HE REALLY DiD. AttHa, know in history as the Cihef vof the Hm>s, was- born about fifteen Aundned years ago, which is longer ago ' .than you and 1 can even try to remembssv without making ourselves look 11- ■ diculous (writes Arnold Goldsworthy, in - <( Pearson's Weekly") The Huns were a race of savages who inhabited that part of Europe now occupied by Servia, Bulgaria, and Rou.mania. At first, Attila had only a halfshare in the chieftainship, as the other half was the right of his brother Bleda. i)ne evening, however, as they were -coming home from the club together something happened to Bleda. Attila .told everybody that the poor chap had .4iad an attack of heart disease and had ..tiever rallied; and as he threatened to »unch severely anybody who disbelieved liim, his story was accpted as gospel .truth of th 3 very best kind. Attila was about thirty-five when he s-developed the quaint idea that he was destined to be 'the conqueror of the -world. He had a fine and large army, and there was nio other nation to stand «up against him. And, outside the boundaries of his own country there was an .-.awful lot of rich loot going for the .-asking. BLAMED THE BISHOP. The nearest town to Attila's territories was Margus, on the other side of the Danube. It was inhabited by a. peace--loving people, who were fairly civilised and "very prosperous, and Attila saw .tiere a chance to give his army a nice, .-comfortable job. Of course, even in those days, betore you made war on a country you had to pretend that it was the other chap .who began it, or something of that sort. .So Attila got up and said kt was perfectly scandalous the way the venerable Bishop of Margus was rowing across the river every night and stealing.the Huns' checkens. Of course, bishops .don't really go out at nights stealing .chickens; but Attila had never been to Sunday school, and so didn't know anyth'ng about bishops. A few days after that, Attila had his -.army on the trot. His men swarmed *nto Margus, and it was sudden death for everybody who ran up against them. In this way the Huns "inherited" a -great deal of wealth in the shape ot "-cattle and jewels, ther former owners iiaving, as it were, died intestate. What the Huns couldn't carry away they • burnt, and after their glorious victory sthere was nothing left of the city but : a black patch on the ground. For a long time after that, victory crowned Attila's efforts. He pushed his • iirmy all through Europe, killing and burning as he went, and although his fist was not a mailed on e it proved to : "be pretty bony around the knuckles HE LIKED A SAFE SPOT Attila's great a'm was to make everybody afraid of him; but, after nil, that is an ambit'on that does not lead anywhere ; and there is always the chance that the other man may not oe so frightened after all. He may be rude enough to get up and hit you back m a soft part, and then all the rich, rosy vwark of a lifetime is wasted. The poor creature whom we know today as the Kaiser (which is the German for Caesar) is supposed to be descended from the Huns, and nobody is likely to dspute his claim. A strange coincidence m this matter is that Attila began his very red career some--1 where about Belgrade in Sorvia, and wfas finally mopped up in France, not far from where the now justly-celebrat-ed fort of Verdun still keeps tke„old tricolour flying. Attila was never much of a figiiter "himself. He preferred to stand in a safe spot in the background and talk taffy to his fine old crusted warriors. Hang it all, Kaiser Bill must have been -descended from the Huns! It was in the region of ithe Marn? that, by a strange lack of foresight, Attila had the imprudence to run up ragainst an army of Romans, the ancestors of the French v Attila could murder and burn quite successfully as long as he was dealing with inferior races; hut it happened that the Romans were not inferior, and it would not have paid anybody at that time to allege that .-they were. STABBED HIM THROUGH THE HEART. The Romans not only beat Attila, but they chased him home as well. Attila went back to his city of wooden huts on the Danube and decided to mari\ and settle down, as he appeared to have sown all the wild oats that were possible. But here again he had no luck. On the night before his marriage he was sitting in the gloaming with his best girl, the lovely Ildiko, when she cooed softly into his ear the news that his .life W«as in danger. And as Ildiko was •one of that sort that never phophesy unless they know, she followed up her remark by stabbing Attrila through the heart and telling the guard to ring up the coroner right awa^r. Attila's people placed his body m three coffins, one go'ld, one s : lver, and one iron. They evidently wanted to i»ak.e sure that' he should not get out aga : n and make more trouble. Anyway, he neved did, though those ■who favour the transmigration of souls theory have their suspicions about the same old Attila's soul being at present *>usy in the Kaiser's carcase.