STRAIGHT QUESTIONS FROM STARTLING ANSWERS.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 201, 18 August 1916, Page 4 (Supplement)

STRAIGHT QUESTIONS FROM STARTLING ANSWERS.

WITTY RETORTS. No Sovereign of England ever had a readier wit than the "Merry Monarch," or was more ready to appreciate wit in others, even when it. was exercised at Irs expense, as, in fact, it often was. On one occasion, we are told when lie greeted that gay dog, the first Earl of Shrewsbury, with the remark. "Do you know, my lord, I think you are tlie wickedest dog in all my dominions?" Quick as a flash came the answer, "For a subject, are, I really think I am," a retort which sent Charles into convulsions of laughter. But even My Lord Shrewsbury was no better master of the smart retort than Thomas Killigrew, the wittiest and most daring of all Charles's dissoluto companions. When once H's Majesty, who was proud of his skill ill naval architecture, asked Killigrew, '"Don't you think I should make an excellent shipwright!'" the wit retorted, "I always thought, sire, you wouldl have done better at any trade than at your own." It was to Charles, too, that that Colonel Blood made his famous retort when he was asked why he had attempted to steal the Crown Jewels—- " Mv father lost a good estate in lighting'for the Crown, and I cons dercd it no harm to recover it by the Crown."

EGGS AND KINGS. George I. was no less appreciative of a clever answer at his own expense, as ho proved on one occasion when, during a visit to Hanover, he was charged a hundred norms for a modest breakfast of a couple of "How is this?" asked the Ring. "Eggs must be very scarce here." "Pardon mo," answered the extort : onate innkeeper, "eggs are plentiful lenough; it is kings that are scarce.'' George's son, the second of the name, was once reviewing some English regiments before the French Ambassador, not long after the Scots Greys had played such havoc with the French gens d'armes at tho battle of Dettingen. "I admit," the Ambassador remarked patronisingly, "that your Majesty has some line troops, but have you ever seen our gens d'armes?" "No," replied the King; but I can tell you, and so can they, that my Scots Greys have."

William IV. enjoyed a joke as much as any man, even when, as in the following case, he got much the worst of it. Ono day when he was heir presumptive to "the Crown, he said to the Secretary of the Admiralty, who was ne : ghbour at a banquet, "C . when I am King, you shall not be Admiralty Secretary." " "All that I have to say to that, "in such a case, is," said C , "God save the King!" Of the Kings of France many stones no less amusing are told. Thus when Marshal Bassompierrc was one day describing to Lous XIII. how he once made Ins solemn entry, as French Ambassador, into Madnu, seated on a mule, Louis exclaimed with a loud guffaw, "An ass seated on a mule!" "Yes, sire." Bassompierre calmly answered : " and .what made the joke better was that I represented you." In later years, when Cardinal Luynes was paying his respects to Lou's XV., His Majesty said, "Cardinal, your greatgrandfather died of apoplexy, your father and ydur mother died of apoplexy, and you look as if you would keep up the family tradition." "Sire," answered the Cardinal, "fortunately for. me we do not Vve in the times when kings were prophets." OUTSPOKEN SUBJECTS.

When Frederick the Great once asked a physician, "How many men have you sent "into the other world?" "Not nearly so many as your Majesty," came the swift reply—"and with infinitely Jess glory." But this retort was courtliness' itself compared with that ot c,:e famous jester Brusquet to the Emperor Charles V. "Brusquet," said the Emperor, " do you remember the day when the Constable Montmorency wanted u> have von hanged?" "Right wed do 1 remember it," he replied; "it was the dav on which your Majesty purchased those splendid rubies and carbuncles which now adorn your imperial hands —alluding to the inflamed, gouty .swellings winch disfigured Charles's fingers. Or compared with that of another Court jester who, when he appeared before Charles 11. in the guise of a pilt»rim, and the King asked mm "Wh'.thcr away?'' replied, "1 am going to the lower regions to ask the devil to send back Oliver Cromwell to "take \harge of the affairs of England; ior, ns to lus successor, lift is always emplaved in other business." But one need not go to Royal Courts to find a plentiful crop of such startling and unexpected answers. Dr. Garth once prescribed a nauseous dose to the Duke of Marlborough, and when the Duke objected and pulled a wry face, Irs sharp-tongucd wife broke in by say:ng, "I'll be hanged if it does not cure vou." ''Then, my lord," interposed Garth, "you had better swallow it—vou will gain either way." ! ' "Do vou see anything ridiculous m my wig?'' said a judge to the famous Irish barn'sl.T, John Curran, who was looking at him with an amused smile. ''Nothing at all, my lord," flew back the retort—"except the head." THE BENCH UNBENDS.

Many amusing stories are told of Lord Justice Clerk Braxfield; among them the following. On one occasion whiie a brother .Judge failed to put in an appearance at the Court of Session, Braxfield asked the President of the Court, "What excuse can a stout fellow like him hac?" Quoth the President "Don't you know? He has lost Irs wife." "Has he?" said Braxueld reflectively. "That is gude excuse, indeed"—and lie added fervently, "1 wish we had a' the same!" On another occasion, when playing whist with an indfferent lady partner, he exclaimed a ■i fit of exasperation, "What are ye doing, vc auk! fule?" "Sir!" the mdignant'ladv flamed up, "you forget yourself J think." "So 1 do, madam-your pardon's begged—l took ye for my am wife." . . , , In smart and often cruslrng retorts probably no man ever surpassed Douglas Jerrold, of whom the following among many stories are told, "ben once Jerrold was asked to subscrbe tor t |, P n .|vf of a brother author who, f„r the third time, had to be helped out of a hole, he asked "How much do you want for him now?" "I think four and two noughts will put him all right tins time.'' "Very well," answered Jerrold; •• vou can put ni" down for one ol the nought*." When a snobbish member of his, club oive remarked in n loud voice, with the obvious wish to imp'vss his I'd lon member-:, " Un t it strane/c. We bed no li-b last n'ghl al the Mir-(|u:-.V Thai'-, the se-itnd t me if his happened. I r":<!lv can't account for it J.,,, vou'-" !.« asked. lurnini! tn .!,.,!,,Id. ' "The only evplanation that occurs to ni"." was the answer, is ihat thev at* it nil upstairs!" Parliamentary e'et ti-ui-; aev t lail 1 ' vie!d , plentiful cro :) of . sm-h sl-vies. \| „ Hireling nl elrvctoys ;n a rural \M- |.,,,. | well-known Tory candidate, who v••'-•; known to be iu favour of llogLnvj In lb" iirinv, was d"!end : ng liv. V!"W

"There is," lie said, "no necessary disgrace attached to being flogged. Why. do you know, I was flogged myself once and for telling the truth." "And it cured 'ee, naw doubt,'' was the sarcastic comment of a rustic which sent tho audience into roars of laughter. On another occasion a clever lawyer, who was known to be fond of his glass, had concluded his speech, and was wait, ing to answer any questions that might l>iO asked. "I'd like to know," shouted a. burly miner from the audience, '• what makes thy face so red ?" " Blush, ing at your infernal impudence, sir!" was tho lighning reply, which overwhelmed the questioner with confusion and earned the meeting.

AGREED. Another excellent story is told of Stt George Reid, who, in a long politVal career, has never fa led to score off n heckler. Once, when ho was addressing a meeting, a woman, who was extremely angry with something he had said, shouted' "If you were my husband, J would give you poison." "Madam," replied Sir George, with a polite bow. "if you were mv wife—l'd take it!" But perhaps the best ofthese stories is the Tollowing told by Miss Mitford, tho authoress. Miss Mitford wlvle walking in the country with a friend, was discussing the manners of the peasantry. Miss Mitford declaring that the Berkshire peasants were noted for their politeness, her friend disputing this statement. "During our discussion/' the authoress says, "we came to a gate, which to my delight, a boy who was leading a cow, most politely opened tor us. 'l'm sure you are not Berkshire, are you?' said my friend, determined to stick to her guris. I'o my horror and confus'on the boy piomptly answered, 'Thee're a liar, vor I be!"