MR. AND MRS. MALAPROP.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 199, 11 August 1916, Page 2 (Supplement)

MR. AND MRS. MALAPROP.

THINGS THEY NEVER MEANT TO SAY. Men may (.\im~c and men may go, but Mr. and Mrs. Malaprop, like the poor, are always with us to minister to the gaiety of a drab world with their verbal drolleries, which are as great a surprise to themselves as amusement to those who hear them. The Irish politician who declared with emphasis that "in tTie prosecution of the present war, every man ought to give it's last sovereign to protect the remainder." was as innocent of any absurdity as the good lady who remarked, shortly before the war, "my daughter has been travelling in the East and cruising about the Levant." "How delightful'." exclaimed a friend. "And did she go to the Dardanelles?" "Yes, indeed," guilelessly answered the lady, "I think they asked her to dine with them.''

It was another lady who, when say : ng ''good night" to her guests after a reception sa'd "I am sorry that the bad weather has kept all the best people away" ; and who onco remarked to the daughters of a distinguished diplomat, "I am so glad to meet you. 1 have heard you spoken of o.s 'the pretty Miss ' and 'the clever Miss ——.' Do tell me which ; s the pretty one and which the clever one." A labourer once called on a country parson to ask for a letter of recommendation to a neighbouring nobleman, from whom he hoped to> get employment. ''But why don't you interview his lordship yourself?" asked the par>on. "Wei l , sir. it's this way," was the startling answer, " I don't like speaking to Lord ; he nwy be proud and not care to listen to the likes of me. But I don't mind speaking t j you, for there's nothing of the gentleman in you."

AN UNFORTUNATE TOAST. Equally unfortunate was the Scottish laird whoso duty ix was to propose a toast. "1 feel.'' he began diffidently, "that for a. plain country squire like myself to address a dignified body like the Presbytery of S>t. Andrew's, is indeed to cast pc.irls before swine." tint no less innocent than the German .lew tailor who sent the following letter to one of his defaulting customers: "Dear Sir, —Who was it that promised to pay on the Ist of January? You, my dear sir—you are the man. Who was it that promised next to settle on the first »t March? You. my dear sir. Who is it then who has broken his word twice and *an unmitigated scoundrel? Your olvdient servant. —Moses Rosenthal. " Last night," wrote a gushing young lady from Venice, "i lay in a gondola on the Grand Canal urinking it all :n . and life never seem?d so full ueiore." "Your beautiful clock." a bride gratefully wrote to the sender of .1 wedding present, "was received, and is now on the mantelpiece, .where we hope to s.ee you often." " Gentlemen," wrote an applicant for a musical post, "I no need your advertisement for organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. Ha v. mg been both for years, 1 offer you my serv : ces." Tins answer was no dou'>t as innocent as that of the man who wrote, "Mr. James N declines with pleasure M;ss Dorothy H s invitation for the 23rd, and thanks her extremely for having given him the opportunity to do so:" or that of the Scott'sh laird's secretary, who wrote the following letter to a neighbour, who had arranged for a day's shooting with his master : "My dear sir,—l am sorry to inform you that the laird will not be able to shoot himself to-morrow; but he says, if you come, the gamekeeper will accompany you and the re-t of the dogs to the In! 1."

PULPIT AND PRESS. We may be quite sur.e that the Scottish minister did not mean what he said when he announced from the puip't:—"During the week I shall visit, all members of the congregation at the north end of the town, embracing also tlv> servant girls." Nor did the editor wtio gave these directions for sweeping a room to an inquiring reader: —"Cover the furniture with dust-sheets, scatter damp tea-leaves over the carpet: then carefully sweep the room into i dustpan and throw it out of the window.'' The newspaper, indeed, is a verv happy hunting-ground for Mr. Ma'oprop'and his clan. It was one of then who informed Ins readers. "When a gentleman and lady are walking in th* street, the lady should wa'k inside ot the gentleman:" and another, who announced, "We regret to find that the news of the death of Mr. W is a malcicus fabrication." "There are two schoolrcrins," wrote one well-moaning reporter "sufficiently large to accommodate three hundred people, on.' above the other" ;. but he had a worthy rival in the editor who wrote, "We hare received a basket of fine grapes from our friend Mr. Thompkins, for which he will please accept our compliments, some of which are nearly two inches in diameter/'

STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENTS. "Those who know Mr. Wilson of this place." one provincial* paper declared, " will regret to hear that he was brutally assaulted last week, but was not k'-Iled," which, after all was no more startling than this paragraph : "Owing to the distress of the times Lord Camden will not shoot himself or any of his tenants before the 4th ol October," or more free from guilt than this tribute of gratitude:—"Mr. and Mrs. G wish to express thanks to their friends and neighbours who so kindly assisted at the burning of the:r residence 'ast night." "The Board ot Education," we read in one Loudon aily. "have resolved to erect a build:ng large enough to accommodate five hundred students three stories high," a statement which taxes our credulity as much as the following:—''The man was overaken by a pas*enger-train and killed. He was injured :n a sinrlar way about thro years ago.'' Such startling verba! indiscretions as "He k:ssed her back." "He was shot in the suburbs," and "She wlrpped him upon his return." are no more remarkable than hundreds you will find to sniile at in the advertisement columns of newspapers. Thus ,we read :—\\ AN !'- ED, a funrshed room for a sing'e gentleman looking both ways and well ventilated. WANTED, a good girl to cook and one «no will make a good roast or broil and will stew '►vol! WANTED, by a respectable girl, her passage to' New York—willing to take care of children and a good sai'or. Also WANTED—a young man to take care of a pair of mules of a Christian disposition. One advertiser announces: —"If this should meet the eye of l-ew : s .1. Smith, and he will send his address to his old home, he will hear of something to his advantage. His wife is dead."

•• A widow in i-omfortahk circumstances wi.shes to marry two sons," "A hoy is wanted to open o.rstors fifteen years o'.d." and information i- wanted " regarding the pro'ent whereabouts <>t Ebcnozer Jones, who -s supposed to have d'ed in this town last yvar." The hoardins-house keeper whose no. ike read "Summer hoarders taken in, nrobald)- had no improper designs on his guests, and the second-hand dealer

was probably honest enough in spite of his rrquest to the public "not to coniound this shop with that of another Swindler who had established himself on tlie other side of tW-s^jy." "John Sm : th kills pigs like his faVher, one pork-butcher ingenuously announced; and he had a rival in the dentist who undertook to "extract teeth with great pain*." CHURCHYARD HUMOUR. • On a church-door in Ireland this legend was to be read not long ago : " This is to give notice that no person is to be buried In this churchyard but those hving in the parish. Those who wish to be buried, are desired to applv to me. Ephraim Grubb, Parish-clerk." Even the churchyard itself is bv no means sacred to Mr. MaLaprop. " Indeed you will find there some of his most amusing verbal vagaries "Here Ives BERNARD LIGHTFOOT," one such epitaph runs, "who was accidentally killed in the forty-fifth' year of his age. This monument was erected by his grateful family." On another stone we read tlrs tribute/ to the deceased:—" She lived a life of virttue and died of cholera, caused by eating green fruit, in the hope of a blessed immortality, at the early age of 21 years 7 months and 16 days." Reader, go' thou and do likewise." In an Ulster churchyard is a stone "Erected to the memorv of JOHN PHILLIPS, accidentally shot as a mark of affection by his Brother,'' and at Montrose, Ireland, you may read : "Here lyes the Bodvs of GEORGE YOUNG and ISABEL GUTHRIE, And all theiiL Posterity for more than fifty years backwards."