BATESON'S RISE.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 195, 28 July 1916, Page 4 (Supplement)

BATESON'S RISE.

Bv W. PETT KIDGE, - ---"n Tiie Well-Known H timorous riter in the London "Daily Mail." July 191!. " Bateson, it is reported to me i>v one of the senior clerks that on no less than two occasions this month you have arrived at office ten minutes late." ''The trains, sir " " I want no excuses, no heating about the hush, no shifty apologies. You are as well aware as I am that nine o'clock is the hour for signing on. But perhaps (sarcastically) I am crediting you with too much intelligence. Possibly vou have never learnt to tell the time. Bateson, I strongly recommend you to acquire, with all convenient speed that most useful accompVshment. Not really difficult, you konw. When the long hand points to X double I and the short hand points to IX, that means it is nine o'clock. Try to carry the simple fact in your head, Bateson. You possess a head. I believe?"'

"Yes, sir!" "A reassuring admission on your pnrt. If nature had but given you a brain as well, how much your equipment for City life would have been increased. leaving >'<yir affection fo>r games unimpaired. You take an interest in cricket, no doubt." "To some extent, sir." "Quite so, finite so. And no doubt if I asked you now many times Suffolk, for instance, has won the championship duir'ng the last ten years your reply would l\e given You are smiling, Bateson. You are under the impression that this discussion of ours is an amusing incident. I congratulate you, Bateson, on possess : ng a sense of humour. But (truculently I warn you that this is of very little use in Grace-c-hurch-street. Unless you decide, young man. to take life a trifle more seriously I sliall have no hesitation in asking you to transfer your help to a quarter whefv> r't will be better appreciated This is the first and last warning I give >'OU." " I am sorry, sr. if " "The door is where it was when you etnered the room Close it quietly as you n<> out." • • • • August 1914. "Well, Bateson. then I take it you are determined to go, and I suppose nothr'ng I can say will knock any sense into you. But let me tell you this (wagging forefinger): You are doing a very mad and reckless thing in deciding to join the Army without first obtaining my permission." "My folk at home, sir, were quite willing to " "I've nothing to do with you folk at home. I have to think of the office and what will happen here if many more follow your example. Commerce is the backbone of th.e Brit'sh Empire, but that, of course, is nothing to yon. Everything depends on the business of the nation being carried on as usual, but you, as I can see, snap your fingers at that. I tell you what it is, Bateson, you aro acting from motives of pure and undented selfishnes's. All you consider is yourself. You fancy it .will impress everybody when you strut about in uniform. You are under the delusion that the Germans can't be beaten without your help. Do you know what I call it, Bateson ? Colossal conceit. That's the phrase for it. Colossal conceit. And mark this. If you persist in carrying out your wild intentions don't you imagine that you can come backjust when you please to your comfortable quarters here in Gracechurchstreet. When you go you go, and you don't return. We wash our hands oi you. Tk° war will probably be over by the end of this yenr, and you may come up the staircase on your hands and knees but you'll fiiul nothing for you he: - e." " I should like to ssy "

"Can't Vsten to you. Bateson. ve exhausted my large supply of patience, (let out of it as sharp as you like!"

January 1910. " Bateson to see me ? Better show him in, perhaps. One must be amiable to these Army men. Tell the other people to wait for three minutes. Ah! (genially to new arrival in uniform) how are we, how are we, how are weJJv .love! we look a dffor.ent man altogether. Sit down and make yourself at home. No, no, don t take that chair- take mine. It's more comfort- " As I am going out next week, sir. I ventured " "Not at all, not at all. Delighted to sec you. It is youing men like yourself who make one hope—although the outlook is not at present very bright—that everything f.s bound to come well at the end. Ready to do battle for the sake of the old country and prepared to sac. rilice your lives if encessary in order that Gracechureh-street, where you have spent so many happy and never-to-be-forgotten hours Please smoke Try one of my cigars; the left-hand side of the case, please; the others 1 keep for myself. Now tell me all about everything. I was a trifle wrong, apparently, in guessing that December would see the finish of it. You are notsparing yourself, I hope. Work ng hard and all that sort of thing, eh?" "The drill down at Caterham " "I know (sympathetically), I know" Or at any rate I can imagine. I put. in a whole four hours as special con stable myself, but I had to give it up Got on my nerves; the constant ex peetation of something happening and nothing happerrng. 1 should have been a mental 'and physical wreck if 1 had gone on with it. And that is where- [ m an older man than you—l should wish to give a word oi advice that I have offered to the others who have, left us. Keep a brave, stout heart. Re member thase of us like myselt who are looking on and hoping that later you 11 come back safe and sound to Grace-church-street. My lad (offering both hands and speaking w th emotion), good luck to you. and may Providence watch over you wherever you go : and. apart from that, take care of yourself When you see a bullet coming, dodge. Another cigar? No? Well, 1 suppose I ought not to detain you. Must you lie off? Then I'll see you to the lilt " You needn't trouble to • Trouble?" (with a gesture) "My dear sir, we mustn't consider anything a trouble at times like tlrs. Whatdo tli." two stripes en vour s!c<>ve mean May 191(i. "Where's the head w.v.tcr? Tell th» head waiter I want him at once. Go and find him and tell him, from me that unless—o'l, here you are, hear waiter. Now. let us undeistand the procedure of the evening. I give the health of th." King, and you must have someone at the piano to start the National Anthem, and then I shall offer the toa«t or our fn'end here on mv i i<:ht. And then he'll .'eply. Have viiu got that ? Y."ry well, then. (Turn* d"ferential!y to guest of the evening.) Tve arnnged it all. sir." " Good of you to take ' "Not in the least. A pleasure, and a very great honour, believe me. I shall sneak briefly in proposing your health ; tliirtv-five minutes. | ; -chaps l.'>.s. Depends how they take it. And then ve.u ("iso and say a rnui'.le of words • lust a sent,"lice w'll be ainnle. Now, if you don't mind sir. let s lii-ake -i start! (Gives the loyal toast and joins, an octav" low. in the singing.) Gentlemen ! (Cheers.) We are here to-night

to do honour to our dear and valued—cr—chum (applause)—home on lea\e from the front. During all the years of my acquaintance with him, from the day lie. as a mere lad, joined the firm w.th which we aje all associated, there has never been, I can honestly declare, much as a mis-word, never the sign or shadow of a cloud. Indeed, our relations at Gracechurch-street mind you, it is thanks to him and to those .'ke him that Gracechurch-street continues to exist—("Hear, hear") wero scarcely as the head of a firm towards junior, but rather as a parent towards .1 son. I look upon Lieutenant Bateson aj net only a credit to myself " (Left speaking.)