SAW IT IN ITALY.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 187, 30 June 1916, Page 3 (Supplement)

SAW IT IN ITALY.

Many .stories are told of the wit ot Sir 11. Bcerbohm Tree, and one of tlio best,is related by .Miss Constance Collier. The incident happened while she was rehearsing for the part of the heroine in a production at His Majesty's Theatr.e. The author of the play was there making various suggestions. "In this, scene," lie said, "the hero should pick you up, Miss Collier, and carry you off the stage across his shou'clar. Miss Collier objected, but the author insisted, till Sir Herbert came to tlie rescue. " I saw a play in Italy once," taid the latter, "in which the hero caught hold of the heroine by, the legs and banged her head on the floor." ''Splendid!" exclaimed the author. " What was the play?" 'Punch and Judy,' " was the actor's retort. APPROPRI ATE CHARACTER. Ordinary concerts had grown rather stale in Muddleton, where everybody sings, or thinks he can. So a novelty was arranged, in which each performer was to appear in a fancy dre*s and sing a suitable song. The' first items went off very .well, although when Miss Antieke came on in a simple girlish gown, and sang "For Ever and For Ever," jlie audience got nervous and though she meant to do so. Then the village crier appeared, in sailor rig, and declaimed "'Asleep in the Deep," in a voice high-pitched and cracked. "'Who i,s ilne?" "What character does he represent?" were the questions the listeners asked each other, wildly. Then came the usual voice from tlio rear of the hall, saying: "Why, 'e's Sing-Bad the Sailor." STH.L THE SAME. Billy Dent is a little man with a big wif.e, and i.s known throughout the mill in which lie works as "Henpeck." The origin of the nickname dales back to the time when one breakfasthour the following vara was narrated. Billy had been having an argument omj .evening, and at the mid he had "Tha'rt wrong, owd woman." "Thee read tin schoo' books," replied his better half, " before tha (starts arguin' in a subject." "Didn't I go to school, silly?" cuttingly observed Billy. "Aye, tha did that,'' was the reply; "and tha came back silly, too!" COULD NOT WAIT. Mrs. Podgington, fat and forty, had made up her mind to attend the local fancy d l- ess ball as "Springtime" personifies!. Alas! On toe afternoon of the festiiie occasion she discovered no fewer than thirteen glaring grey hairs in her head. There was absolutely no help for it, she must resort to artificial aid. It chanced to be early closing day, and the one chemist in the town was not inclined to execute Mr. Podgington's order when he rang the b.ell and asked to bo served with sixpennywortli of hair-dye. "Surely you could have waited till to-morrow?" said the man of pills. " We're only supposed to serve in cases of emergency."' "Can't wait," said Podgington; " tlti? w a case of dyer necessity." SOME SIPHON. '* Good morry, .Mr. Ryotop," greeted the waiter in the big city hotel. *' I hope you enjoyed that old Scotch [ left iii your room while you were out." " It was pretty fan," drawled Fanner Ryotop, rubbing lTfs parched lip*, "but begum, that siphon you sent up had the strongest stream of fizz water 1 ever taikled, an' the blamed thing came near blowin' me through the window." The waiter looked puzzled. "Siphon? Why, I didn't send up any siphon." "Yes, you did. It was red, and bound with brass bands." "Great Scott! Why, that was tlio automatic fire-extisguisher!" CHAMPION SHOTS. A Yankee entered a big hotel in the Highlands, when he overheard a party of visitors speaking about shooting. " Gentleim-n," be said. "I guess I have seen some good flioo 4 time. I have seen a fly killed on the flagpole at three hundred yards." An Irishman, who was one of the p::rtv. said: — " Hegorra, it's pretty good, but I beliew I've si en better. When 1 was in the Diib'in Fusiliers. the major used tn roll nn empty beer-barrel down the hill, and every time the bung-hole turned up we nut a bullet in it. Amman who couldn't do it was discharged. I was in the company for fifteen years, and never saw a man dismissed."