BRIGHT AND SPARKLING.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 165, 14 April 1916, Page 4 (Supplement)

BRIGHT AND SPARKLING.

WHAT HE FORGOT. "Drive like the dickens!" shouted Smith, springing into the "taxi." With a lurch the car darted \vard, and nway they went like lightning through the gathering fog. Crash ! They took off the wheel of a passing wagon. Hi, hi! They missed flattening out a child by two-thirds of an inch. Clang! They upset a milk-cart. People shouted, constables impotently held up their hands as the "taxi" dashed tip one street and down another, taking corners on two wheels, and threatening every lamp-post with destruction. At last, after half an hour's furious racing, they slowed up in a narrow thoroughfare, and Smith poked his head out of the window. "Are we nearly there?" he asked breathlessly. The chauffeur turned in his seat and shouted: " Where did you want to go. sir?"

She : " Some people profit by the mistakes of others." He : "Yes, like the minister who got a guinea for marrying us." LIGHT BREAD. A smell of buns and cakes and newly-baked loaves pervaded the shop as .Mrs Maggins entered, a busi-ness-like old. lady in cape and bonnet "Good morning!" she said. brisklv_ "Permit me to compliment you on the lightness of your bread!" The baker rubbed his hands, and smiled benignly. "Thank you, madam!" he remarked, proudly but respectfully "It is my aim to bake the lightest bread in this city." The old lady, still and brisk, then put the closure on the meeting. "Yes," she remarked, "and you do it. If it gets much lighter, it'll wan! two of your pound-loaves to weisn sixteen ounces!" WHAT IMPRESSED HER. Undoubtedly, one of the most in teresting names among the 191(1 Honours List is that of Mr. Will Crooks, M.P., who "has been made :* Privy Councillor. Mr. Crooks is certainly one of the most popular men in the House of Commons, and he owes his present proud position entii 3'.y to hard wo:k and indomitable pluck. Not long ago he related a delightful story against himself. Shortly after he was first returned to Parliament, he took his little daughter to Westminster Hall. She was evidently awed at the splendours around her, and maintained a profound and wonderiug silence all the time. Mr. Crooks was delighted to see her so impressed. "Well," said he to her at laLt, "what are you thinking so deeplv about, dear?" "I was thinking, daddy," answered the little girl, "that you're a big man in our kitchen, but you aren't much here!" TWO KINDS OF WAR HELPERS. Kir Cecil Spring Rice, the British Ambassador to the United States, made a very witty speech on the war situation at a dinner party the other night. Ho waxed enthusiastic over the way in which Britons who are unable to light are economising and giving their money freely in the Allies' cause. "Thus, by their economy," said Sir Cecil, "the English people are helping to end the war. "In England, in fact, they who can't help by trenching, help by retrenching!" HE THOUGHT IT WAS A LANGUAGE. Although -Mr. Andrew Carnegie, who denied the other day the report that he had given nearly two-and-a-half millions for the relief of Belgium, is himself a "self-made" man, he has no great love for such men as a species. He considers that they are apt to be both uneducated and brainless outside their own particular line of businessHe is fond of telling a good story about one such wealthy ignoramus who, one day, had a visit from his little nephew. "Well, my boy." said the modern Croesus genially, "and wnat do they teach you at school?" "Arithmetic, geography, history, French and Algebra," replied his nephew. "Ah, very good indeed!" cried the old man approvingly . 'And what, now, is Algebra for a turnip?" FINISHED WITH HIM. A young gentleman, who lately left his father's house, having exhausted hi credit, telegraphed the other day to hi parent: 'Your son Watler was killed this morning by a falling chimney. What shall we do with the remains?" In reply a cheque was sent for £3O, with the request, "Bury them." The young gentleman pocketed the money and had an elaborate spree. When in a condition for writng, he sent his father the following note: "I have just learnt that an infamous scoundrel named Barker, sent you a fictitious account of my death, and swindled you out of £3O He also borrowed £5 from me, and left the country. I vrrite to inform you that 1 am still alive and long to see tiie old parental roof again. I am in somewhat reduced circumstances, the accumulations of the last five years havi-g bene lost —a disastrous stock operation—and if you would only spare me £2O, I would he ever thankful for your favour. Give niv love to all."

A few daya later the cunning youth received the following dignified letter from lii.s outraged parent: ".My Dear Son, —1 have buried you once, and that is an end of it. 1 decline to have any more transactions with a eorpso.—Yours, in the fleshFather " GREAT ARTIST. An elderly gentleman in a railway compartment had been to the National Gallery, and wanted, to talk to .somebody about, it. "Excuse nie, sir," he said to tiie velvet-conh d individual seated, opposite to nie. l "You are some! 1 ; n:: in tlie artistic line, aren't you "l have exhibited many picture:-: in my time," leplied the individual. "Ah. dear me ! Successfully, may 1 ask?" "Sir, tens of thousands of in; ;)! 1 ' have paid to view my pictures''

"Really," exclaimed the old gentleman, 'ycu must be a great artist! Do ycu exhibit many pictures in the course of a year?" "Miles of them," said the man in the velvet coat. "I'm a cinematograph operator!" THAT ALTERED MATTERS. Speculation is rife in America at the present time as to whether President Wilson will be re-elected to the Presidency at the forthcoming election. and already there are those who say that Mr. Roosevelt will shortly reign once again at the White House. President Wilson is very fond of children, and he has a tale about a particularly smart little boy. The lad had been very naughty indeed, and his father determined to give him a whipping. He had got his son and heir across his knee, and the strap was descending heavily to the accompaniment of youthful yells, when suddenly he paused in his grim task and said: "You know, Willie, that this hurts me much more than it hurts you." Willie's tears ceased flowing inline, diately, and his face brightened. "Then keep it up, dad!" he said "Keep it up! I can stand it!" PAVEMENT WIT. Miss Agnes Fraser, a noted London actress, is also very fond of a witty story. She relates that she was once walking in a hack street in London when she noticed a very ragged looking woman standing outside a butcher's shop. "What do you want, missis?" inquired the butcher, none too politely. "What do I want, young fellow " answered the woman hoarsely. "Well. I wants a forty elephant power mo-tor-car, a 'ouse in Park , 0 a year, and a diamond tiara; but what I 'opes to get from you is 'arf a pahnd of steak on credit till Saturday!"