KAISER STORIES.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 5, Issue 161, 31 March 1916, Page 4 (Supplement)

KAISER STORIES.

BY HERBERT VIVIAN. An Englishman was hurrying through tho streets of Berlin with a great bundle of books under his right arm and all sorts of parcels ;n both hands. As he poised himself on the <-dgo of tho Fricdriciistrasso preparatory to makirg a dash for the refuge in the centre he was arrested by •- warning cry. The imperial carriage was almost upon him. He had only time to stumble back, shift parcels anyhow, and take off h:s hat with his lelt hand. But iancy saluting an Emperor with tne loft hand! I have known men in India knocked down by choleric colonels for milder solecisms. No wonder the Kaiser was wrath and forgot his dignity. He leaned right out of his carriage and shouted something that sounded very like "Swine!" Then there was an exhibition of rage that must be rare even in tee varied history of the Hohenzollerns. The Kaiser put out his imperial tongue at the unknown Englishman. How childish! Yes, but he has always considered himself a spoiled child, with all a spoiled child's privilege to do just what happened to enter his nead. And just then he was murmuring an equivalent of 'Gott strafe England' to himself nearly all the time It was soon after his father's death, when he had put his mother under arrest and set sentinels at every door of the palace to prevent her exporting her diaries and private papers, and itwas an Englishman (who knows? per haps that very left-handed Englishman) who had helped to smuggle them away. THE JOKE HE LIKES. Still, with his chameleon temper, ho has often offered an apparently warm welcome to Englishmen before and since. I say "apparently," because there was almost always an element of mischief about it. I remember an industrial deputation that he came to meet when lie was cruising about some, where near Hamburg. He said nothing about industry but a great deal f.bout the sea. and everybody began to wonder what he was driving at. " A very nasty, choppy sea he roared, in that colloquial, exot : c English of his There was an odd look ; .p his eyes and the muscles twitched at the corners of his mouth. "Ah! gentlemen," he went on, "confess, now, weren't you all very sick indeed when you crossed the North Sea? Didn't you feel very sorry that you had ventured upon our German Ocean, our gredt safeguard against invasion?" Then he threw back his shoulders a nil gave vent to peals upon peals ol Homeric laughter, that seemed as though they never would stop. I navo been told since by several ■ f his familiar friends that anything to do with seasickness is an unfailing source of joy to him. However gioomy or perturbed he may be, the mere mention of "a bad crossing" suffice* to bring him back to mirth. His laugh is unlike any other in .p world —not so much a mad laugh as .n uncanny one. He opens his nioutn very wide and roars, or rather bays, screwing up nis nose and shutting his tyes. It is not an infectious laugh, fo- you are too much astonished' to want to join in. At last there are three or tour snaps or barks and he stops nrlderdy Th.e only sound I live lie'id much like it is the laughter jt a t'o-ost when a storm is passing wiy. DOING ALL TIIE T.U.KI.VI. Host of b : s humour is of the simplest, silliest kind, such as would make quite small schoolboys feel ashamed. Ocacsionally, however, he devised practical jokes'that must have required a long period of incubation. For instance, he made quite a practice of inviting Mr. Winston Churchill to the German manoeuvres and then scarcely allowing him to open his moutn. "He received me very kindly," Mr. Churchill told me ruefully on his return from one of these expeditions, "but his ideas of conversation arc decidedly original. He insists on doing all the talking himself." This must have been special treatment deliberately prepared for a good talker, as the Kaiser's habit is to ply most people with incessant questions. The idea that he is garrulous in private requires refutation. It doubtless aroso from memories of nis many public indiscretions. IMPERIAL PINCHES. When he stayed in the New Forest (some say for purposes of high espionage) he made himself quite popular with the villagers by giving elaborate tea-fights to their children. He used to organise their games and give them shillings, but the small boys u-.-ed to complain tnat he was too rough, and he did not seem to realise how much he couid hurt with his pint-lie*. MANY DISGUISES. His delight has been to surprise people, whether agreeably or not was of no consequence. I have seen him deliberately forget to tip humble peop c and then watch stealthily to see how they took the disappointment. The eventual reward would not l>e according to their fortitude but according to the whim of the moment. Mischief is the keynote of his more than eccentric character. , For instance, when he went abroad special police were always told off to guard him against conspirators, and he used to lav the most elaborate plots to dodge bis' keepers and make them look foolish. His disguses were so ingenious that the a-tutest detective could not be expected to penetrate them. . . There is no inherent nobility in his carriage and features. He can make up like a very passable stage-monarch, but he can also make up like a very live chimney-sweep. It might be thought that his famous moustache was a I ways unmistakable, but ho can twist it into the most unexpected shapes, and when people do not see the bristling prong* they conclude this cannot be the man. . , Oddly enough, though he is inordinately strict about morality at home, lie has been very curious to_"r«oo life" it: all its forms. I gather that there has been nothing wicked about h.s escapades, htu li's great ambition was to pose as a fascinating young man and "take people in." This has sometimes led to rather unpleasant moments, for he cannot stand chaff and cherishes notions of lese-majest-e at the back of his head even at ihs most expansive hours. NO MONEY. Once upon a time, the story runs, h> and an equerry went in disguise to a dancing den and ordered lavish refreshment-; in gutteral tones. Then they found (for royalty rarely carries money) that they had both come out without their purses. They were detained and pushed about, and the last seen of tliem was a dishevelled monarch and his companion running down a foul street, hat'.ess, con Hess, their hair dishevelled, yelling desperately for cabs that wer ll not to be found.