"SOMETIME, NEVER."

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 4, Issue 125, 24 December 1915, Page 3 (Supplement)

"SOMETIME, NEVER."

When young Jones beard the " call ■ and left his widowed mother alone, she was qiute happy; she knew she would get some allowance from the Govern, ment to keep her going. But her bo.v told her that he would not make hei any allotment horn his pay; he would try to get to be an officer's servant; would thus make something in tips. and would send his mrther Is. now and again without the bother of the usum 6d. per day :i.iotmeut. His trusting mother received- cheery letters from her boy, but, aias, never a ptstal order but always excuses. •She thereupon decided to write to the Comandiog Officer of her son* regiment, ant* the CO. spoke to him "Wow, Jones, 1 have heard from youi mother, and you're not keeping youi promise. Send he rsome money next week, or I'll have to see about stopping that 6d. per day for her." Jones apologised. "Yes, I know sir, but we're at a seaside place you know sir, and money flies, but I'll send he: something next week, sure, sir. The CO. remembered this the next week when he came across Jones «'tting at a desk in the recreation-room, and he again spoke to him: "Now, Jones, sending your mother that letter and enclosure?" "Oh, yes, sir!" The CO. happened to glance ac the letter Jones was just finishing, and 1 ad to leave the room very quickly when his eyesl alighted upon the following words:— " Dead Mother, —I am enclosing you 10s., but not this week!— Your loving son, Johnny." i OF TWO EVILS. An inspector was visiting a country school. He was asking some of the children questions. After a while he sai dto a junior class: "Now, I want some of you to ask me a question that I can't answer." After a few vain attempts a smaii boy said, "Please, sir, if you were stuck in a pool of mud up to your neck and a brick was thrown at your head, would you duck?" SORRY HE SPOKE. He was an American visitor, and as he sauntered int oa barber's shop he i'eely criticised British methods of work and business. "You" don't socialise," he said. "You should stick to one branch of a thing, and master it completely." The barber said nothing, but lathered his face very liberally and then sat down to read. "Well, why don't you shave me?" inquired the American after five minutes." "We only lather here," was the response; "you must go into the next street for a shave." Mother (anxiously watching her little boy who was eating his mince-pie tie boy at dinner): "My dear child, you should not eat your mince-pie so quickly." Young Hopeful: "Why, not, mawma ?" Mother: "Because it is dangerous. I once knew a little boy about your age who was eating his mincepie so quickly that lie died before he had finished it." Young Hopeful (with much concern): "And what did they do with the rest of hi 6 pie, mamma?" The restaurant manager steod behind the cashier's desk wearing his stock-in-trade smile for each customer. An old gentleman came up. •'1 notice," said he, "that you auVvert'se that you make your own pies." "Yes, sir,'' answered the manage proudly, "wo do." •' Will you permit me to ofier a suggestion?' 1 "Certainly, sir, certainly! We should be most happy to hear you." "Well, then let someone else wbk* them." A gentleman who was i» France dtfN ing the early stages of the war tells an amusing story of one of the fashionable ladies who were amongst ther nurses in the hospitals there. She »«* a wounded man being carried into camp. "Is that an officer «r only a man?" she- asked, pointing to the figure on the stretcherOne of th#. bearers answered:— "Well, mum, he certainty ain't an orifice?) but Vs been 'it twice in the innards' and we've, dropped 'im three' times, an 'e ain't squeaked yet, and '* 'e ainVt * matt, I don't know wait '* is." " Now here is a book!" exclaimed the' seedy individual as he dashed into tIW banker's private office. "Don't want any books!" grunted! tlie banker. "But this one you can't help Wing interested' in." " Haven't time to read boejfci, and—"' "But I'm sure you iw'\J take this book," persisted the sowfy man. "Look here, sip, do. you intend to> leave the room, «r- must I "' " Don't need to call the porter; PHI go. This is your book, though!" *My book?" "Yes; your pocket-book. T found f** in the hall." Then he vanished.