LETTER FROM FRANCE.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 4, Issue 113, 26 November 1915, Page 4 (Supplement)

LETTER FROM FRANCE.

THE LIGHTER biDt. OF WAR

A MILLIONAIRE PRIVATE

(.Translated by Professor F. VV. Haslam of Canterbury College.)

NORTH FRANCE

You tell me that some ot yout objectors to compulsory service say it is •• undemocratic." V\ ell, I'll tell you a little story which may help to clear up their ideas. Since 1 last wrote to you 1 have got promotion, and am now a full-blown sergeant, and I've come to tno conclusion that it you want t.o know whether one man is as good as another tno best way is to see now ho gets on in the trendies, and more particularly how he gets out ot them at tlie r-gct .oment when the order tomes to ui bayonets and charge, lou must not judge a man by the looks ot him.

For example, I had in my section a recruit whim 1 didn't fancy one bit—a big, fair fellow wh looked a sott as butter, a regular loafer. In civil Ma he practised the strenuously idle occupaation of a milhona're. He had evidently been coddled all his childhood, waited on all hie youth, and accustomed to take We very easy. From the first day of his arrival the men dubbed him "The Baron." Well, 1 thought myself that the Baron would not make good business of it when he had to knock off his kilometres on his o-vn two lege without & valet to carry h/-s 6uit cast or a motor to carry himself. Never was such a mistake. The Baron never fell out once in all our ferced marches. It's true he started, but he didn't look a bit more weary at the end A the march. When we halted the first thing he did was to take off his regulation boots and his 60ck9 —which were of spun suk, if you please—and then he calmly pulled out of his knapsack a silver manicure set and quietly set to work to trim and polish his toenails. All the section crowded round to watch him, but it made no difference to him. As for me, when 1 came up and found him wasting time like that I promptly put him down for four days' guard room, to be worked off after peace was signed at Berlin. He stood to attention while I spoke to him, saluted with the gravest ravity, and 6at down and finished his toenails.

Wnen we got into the trenches ai> often as tne iioches would let us sleep, ine i>aron, wno nad never slept witnoui ,i pillow ill his me, li.red tne services ot a nice tat ierritorai to rest im weary iiead A and nun for tne service at tne rate ot eight cigars a day. lucre was a regular run upou the mUat ot Baron's pillow, tor tlie Barou o cigar's were good, and he always paid in advance lest some accident might happen to his p How before he could smoke them. When this did occur he just paid up for another until he got one. When he wasn't asleep he would sprawl fiat on lite stomach and snipe tne Bodies, and my respect and my respect for Him began to be thoroughly sincere when I saw him bring down lo' Prussians with 18 cartridges. Aitet all, 1 thought, there's something to be said for the practice of pigeon-shooting as an element of education for the Up per Ten. The worst of it was that if he wanted to blow his nose the beggar wouldn't stir. He just sang out for a comrade to come and do it for him at the rate of six cigars a " blow," and sometimes his "dry nurse" got iiit. 1 never saw such a loafer in my life. But what extorted my admiration more than anything else was the Baron's behaviour when we took the village of ——; it's no good my telling you the name, for the Censor would scratch it out. This village was boing held by a Bavarian regiment, and we got the order to turn them out with the bayonet. "Look here, my children," said our captain to us; "you see those houses in the village over there. Well, there are feather ieds in those houses, and the first men who get in shall fcleep in those feather beds to-night." Every man gripped his rifle and tried to "poach a start." Napoleon's exhortations to his soldiers when he showed them the fertile plains of Lombardy weren't a patch <>u n Now, though 1 w»y it that shouldn't, 1 didn't lose any t'uie myself in "getting there," but when 1 arrived inside the best bedroom ot the first house, whom should I find but that beaut ot a Baron. He had carefully "dressed,' or rather " undressed the part, had got into his white silk pyjamas, and was snugly tucked up in a feather bed. Tao previous occupant (a Bavauau officer; he had dislodged him with h's bayonet and pitchforked bun out of the window. Well, we thought we were in for a good night's rest, but those confounded Bochee must needs deliver a counterattack before dawn. About 3 o'clock we got the order to turn out and retire, as the enemy were coming back in a very superior force. 1 woke up my men, and 1 went and shook the Baron hard. "Turn out," says I. He just opened a languid eye. "No fear," says he. "Turn out, man," suys 1; "here's a whole division of Germans on our back. We've got to retire." "No good," says he; "I'm not going to give up my bed to any Boche." •• But it's an order," says I. The Baron said nothing. Ho just shut his eye and turned over. Well, I put him down for tight more days in the cells for disobedience to orders, and a.6 1 couldn't carry him 1 left him to 6ee it out with tho Boches. We retired on a hill about 1,000 kilometres to the rear and waited for reinforcements.

When it got light enougn to see, our captain, who was looking through his lield-giasses, uttered an exclamation of astonishment. "Look here," he said, "I can't make this out. They haven't taken the village yet, and they are keeping up a hot fire on those houses." 1 had a look through his glasses, and it certainly seemed to me that the Bodies had met with some sort of a check. Theyr were liriflg away, but they didn't advance. They seemed to fear an ambuscade or something, and every now and then a rifle shot came troin the houses Bind down went a Bochc. I looked a little closer, and euro enough I saw flitting from window to w'ndow a shirtless figuro in wnitc. It it wasn't that Baron, rifle in hand, defending his feather bed against a wholo regiment! Fortunately, at this moment the reinforcements arrived, and we retook the village. Where do you think I lound the Baron? Safe in bed and sound asleep. Ho did wake up a bit when I came into tho bedroom, but lie was much too sleepy to bother himself about the real state of things. "Is tfiat you, Baptist?" said he. "Just I ring mv chocolate, will you?" well. I gave 'him four more days' "Clink" on principle, but the general put his name in orders of the day for "distinguished service." THE GOLDEN MOUSR.

I in list conclude with an amusing epocimen of tho Teutonic lack of humour. One day some Prussian officers went, to sec a curious old church in AlMi-« and to ili..'U surprise l«h«ld the (Hi— of .i i;»ldeu ui"'i t at lb" 'tiikj

of the patron saint. Trie verger, a dry oia AlsutiOii, luiuriueu uieiu mat there had once been a plague ui mice, and the inhabitants were inioruied by their priest tnat it they presented a figure o£ a mouse j n guid to the saint the pJague would cease. Iliis iliey did, uuu the mice disappeared. " But," said a f russian major in gold spectacles, "you don t mean 'o say tne Alsatians are ho toolisii and superstitious and behind the times as to believe in thati"

"On, no, sir," was tlie reply; "it they oel eved in that they would long ago have presented the saint with a lue-size hgure ot a Uertuan 'n p.urc gold." it is quite impossible to believe that the Prussians saw the point of this retort. 11 they had they would nave put the verger up against the ciiuruh wall and shot him.