SOMETHING LIKE A FOOTBALLER.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 4, Issue 47, 18 June 1915, Page 7

SOMETHING LIKE A FOOTBALLER.

A country visitor at a University football match, Uncle Enoch, walked round a stalwart player with an air of critical curiosity, looking him over as he might a horse which he intended to purchase.

"Hannah," he exclaimed at last to his wife.

"What is it, Enoch,'' replied the dame.

"He's niirh on six foot, ain't he?

"Every inch of it,' responded the wife.

"Weighs about two hundred odd?''

"I should say he does."

" Well," muttered Uncle Enoch, meditatively, "football does develop 'em mo-t sartinly." "Yes," said the wife, with an approving nod, "he's a fine young man.'

"Man!" exclaimed Uncle Enoch. "Hannah, I just lu-ard a gentleman say over there that feller's in his third year ! Talk about your oatmeal porridge!"

PATCHING BATTLESHIPS

After tin- conflict, Jack Tars have sevend methods of stopping the incoming water when a battleship lias heen hit below the water-line. For instance, if a small hole has been made in the vessel's side, an apparatus like an umbrella is used. This is thrust through the hole, point first, and then drawn back so that it will open like an umbrella —leaving the canvas outside. Of course, the pressure of the water effectually forces the canvas against the ship's side, thus stopping the leak; but to make it more secure the handle of the umbrella, which is formed lik" a screw, is fastened bv a nut inside. In the case of a bigger leak—when the ship has been stove in behtiv J lie water-lim —a large mat made of canvas and oakum is used. This has to be fixed into position by means of ropes. But the fixing is not a very en c y matter, as one rope lias to be get right under the keel, to the other side ol the ship, in order to drag the mat down to the hole. Two or three otuer rones are also rerequired at different angles to guide the mat to its right position.

THOUGHT HE WAS GOING IT TOP.

Mention of Sir John 1' reneh lecalls a good yarn that is going the rounds about a certain very conceited Colonel, who is as yet quite unknown to fame, hut who has a great idea of Ins own importance and who was always boasting of what he would do when he got on active service. His military friend* did rot believe that he was so anxious to get into the th'ck of the fighting a< he professed to he. and they laid their heads togefmr with the result that one of them tushed upon him with the false new*: rla\e yon heard the l.i test !' You are ordered oil' for active service immediately! The Colonel ..t.irted to his feet. " (rood heaven*!" lie cried. "Has French been killed already!'" ( n.ThllK iX TIIK RAXK>. A lompanv ol the I'uhlic School* Battalion w'a- at drill, and a high-voiced lieutenant .ailed a priv.it- out or the rank'- to lecture him. "Private X. von are exceedingly slovenlv. began the lieutenant, ana concluded a long harangue by saying ''l don't know what in the world to do with you." T!i.> companv had become restive can - mg the lecture. . When the lieutenant made In* last remark a voice in the rear said "Tell his mother." A humorist repeated " 1 ell his mother" ill French. .Another followed in German. Clasocal scholar* iinnlorcd the lieutenant in Latin and Greek to tell his mother. Had not a stern non-com. shouted "Silence in the ranks," the request would probably have been made in Hebrew. A German prison r, once a waiter in ■i London military <-lub, confesses that ir> had no need to practise spying. Th» officers iTcro ulwujs giTtog him splendid tin*.