A SCHEME THAT COLLAPSED.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 4, Issue 26, 1 April 1915, Page 4 (Supplement)

A SCHEME THAT COLLAPSED.

"Ta!vin' im to the 'orspital," announce! the lady to the inside passengers of the 'bus, as the gave a fright-ened-looking boy by her side a vigorous shake. "Dunno wot boys are comin' to nowadays, I'm sure. Can't trust 'em nowhere. Nobody needn't shrink away as if they was afraid o' gettin' the bl&ck plague," she continued, glaring at a timid-looking man who had shifted his seat. "I never heard as 'oir swallerin' dominies was ketchin'." "Swallowing dominoes!" came in a chorus from the passengers. "Set 'im to mind the baby for ten minutes," explained* the lady, "and 'e gits don' some conjunn' trick with the dominoes, and bolts the double-five by accident." The timid gentleman expressed an opTnlon that the consequences were like*-,, ly to '>e serious. "Ail' so they ought to be," snapped the lady; "it'll learn 'im better, p'r'np.t.'' And. noticing that the boy had stopped crying she started him off again with another shake. "Wot. makes me so wild, though," she added, "is that we 'appened to be givin' a bit of a party to-night, an' me an' my husband 'ad mapped out that we was goin' to git the expenses back at fives-an'-threes at thrippence a time, an' now if this 'ere little wretch ain't been rn' broke up the only set wot we knows the backs of!" LATE AND LAMENTABLE. A well-known Judge had been waiting a weary time at a large junction in one of the Midland counties.' for a train already some thirty minutes late. The Judge, after having emptied the vials of his wrath on the head of every available railway official, turned into the rcTrcshment rooms, but speedily returned in no better temper, saying: "Good heavens! what an awful place (bis is! Why, the very barmaids look dreary. What tTie <7euro are they all wearing black for,' 7 he said to an official. . "In mourning for the late train, I "supposp, my lord."" was the official's retort.

'I HE ONLY OBJECTION. A little while ago a loom tackier went to Manchester nuc.-. When he got on tho course there was .a tipster telling the crowd the same okl tale. "For the paltry sum of one shilling I'll give you the winner oi the big race, exclaimed the tipster. No one parted with the shilling. •'Well, well, cried the tipster, '|you can hare the winner tor sixpence." Still no one bought it. "Isn't the winner worth a tanner? he asked the loom tackier, who was lis* tening attentively at his side. •' 1 think it's very cheap," said the tackier. " Then why the dickens don t you buy it?" a .ted the tipster. "I would do, oud lad," replied the tackle--, "but, do'st see, I hanna gotten no stable to keep th' horse in I"

Here is a capital specimen of Babu letter-writing to be found in Mr. E. V. Lucas V anthology, "The Gentlest Art" : -

Honournble Sir,— Kindly excuse ilns poor servant from attending on your Honour's office tins day, as I am suffering from the well-known disease commonlv called ache of the interior economv, and 1 shall ever pray.—Yours ever painful, Rnm C'hunder. P.S.—On, death, where is thy sting? The stupid person sometimes says a witty thing without knowing it. A professoi in a medical college had one exasperating student. "You see, Mr. Smith," said the professor to this' young man one day, "the subject of this diagram limps, because one of his legs is a trille shorter than the other. Row, v.hat should you do in such a case!-" _ <; " I should limp, too, 1 think, sir, replied the student, with an expression of perfect innocence on his face. "The only trouble with my speech/' said the remorseful man, "was that 1 didn't know when to stop." "It's worse than that,' replied Mr. Growcher. "The tiouble is you didn t know when not to begin."