CALLED IN.

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 4, Issue 20, 12 March 1915, Page 3 (Supplement)

CALLED IN.

Among the Monday morning culprits haled before a Baltimore police magistrate was a darkey with no visible means of support. '"What occupation have you here in Baltimore?'' asked his honour. ''Well, jedge," said the darkey, "I ain't done much at present—jesi. circulatin' round, suh." His honour turned to the eL-rk of the court and said : "Please enter the fact that "Tii? gentleman has been withdrawn from e'rculation for sixty days/' CANNY. A young country Scotsman and his sweetheart went to Glasgow for a day's outing. After spending the morning looking round the big shops l and the centre of the city, the young man suggested that as it was near one o'clock they should look out for a suitable eating house to get something to eat. Having spotted a likely place, they entered and took their seats at a small table, and when the waitress' came for their order the young man asked for a sixpenny rjasnt pie. This was 1 brought in due course, and he started eating it with evident relish. The girl waited a little time wondering very much where she came in. At last, in sheer desperation, she said to her companion, """Is the pie good, Jock.'' "Good!'" replied Jock, "I should think it is ;it's ripping! Yon should get one.'' JUST THE DIFFERENCE. A wean's way is not a man's way even af he follows her. For instance, we ofbsa read: " A man will pay five shillings for a half-a-crown article that he wants, and the woman will pay half-a-crown for a five-shilling thing that she does not want." GUILTY. At a birthday party Miss Brown had sung "It's a Long Way to Tiperary," and for days after she was singing or humming it to herself. "Tt seems to haunt me," she said to a friend who had been at the party. "No wonder," said the friend. "Look at the way you murdered it." SHE ALWAYS DID. Mistress: Norah, you T.usl always sweep under the carpets. New Servant: Yes, mum, I always does. It's the easiest way o' getting the dirt out o' sight. A POWERFUL WEAPON. They were examining an old-fashion-ed shot gun of murderous build. It looked as if it would be an effective weapon against anything short of an elephant, and its owner was boasting with that scorn of fact which is allowed the successful hunter of its power. "Doesn't it kick anything?" asked one. , " Oh, yes; it kicks a bit, said the proprietor, "but that's' the beauty of it. Whv, once I shot at a grizzly that was charging me. I missed him, and on he came. If it hadn't been that the gun kicked me so far back that I had time to reload, I shouldn't have been here to tell the story." SLOW AND SURE. In the amiable way of villagers they were discussing the matrimonial affairs of a couple who, though recently wed, had begun to find the yoke of Hymen a burden. " 'Tis all along o' these hasty marriages," opined one caustic old gentleman, who had been much to the fore in the discussion. " They did not understand each other. They'd nobbut knowed each other for a matter o' seven year." , ~ ~ * " Well, that seems long enough, said an interested lady listener. " Long eno'! Bah ! ye're wrong. \\ hen a body's courtin' he canua be too careful. Why, my courtship lasted a matter o' nineteen year." "You certainly were careful, agreed the lady listener. "And did you find the plan successful when you married:' "Ye jump to conclusions,' said the old man impatiently, "I understood her thenj so I didna' marry her. SELF-HELP. A storv is' told of a battalion of the Blank Regiment which is billeted north of the Tyne, and which lias a company . composed mostly of miners, who ar* , famous for their appetites. 1 Lately some of their breakfast bacon had been disappearing while on the way from the cooking ovens to the room «ct apart for meals. 'Hi.' men were dissatisfied, and sent one of their number to the captain U) see if he would provide a remedy. The captain exasperated at the number of complaints that were being made, told the man to tell his comrades that if thev could not thrash the ord-ny cook who was responsibTe for the toed thev deserved to lose it. The men took the captain at his word, and one of them got hold of the wwpected orderly and thrashed his soundly, with the result that their supply oS liaeon was more regular. Now comes tie sequel. The captain no doubt thought that a man who could look after Ins interests in that fashion ought t*> be promoted, so, the story runs, the chasliser ol <>iderlies who'allowed food to go -s-ray wa- given his first stripe. _ Now all the men are wanting to t gnt the orderly cook who may happen to be on duty.