MERRY "TOMMIES."

Pukekohe & Waiuku Times, Volume 4, Issue 14, 19 February 1915, Page 3 (Supplement)

MERRY "TOMMIES."

Quip, jest, and ready retort are often bandied about in surprising fashion, even when shot and shell are dealing death and destruction all around. This •was very conspicuous during the South African War, and soldiers in the throes of pain, and in circumstances where even the faintest touch of humour would have seemed utterly impossible, were heard joking and jesting in an amazing light-hearted manner. At Modder River, for instance, a man would start back at the shock of the Mauser bullet, pull himself together, and say, "Don't mind me, have another go!" or something of that sort. Such expressions as "Never mind the paint," "Who are you hitting?"' "Please don't stop," and so on, were continuous, and certainly displayed the cool courage and grit of our brave fellows to the best advantage. During a lull in the firing at Co'enso a man got his wrist smashed by an explosive bullet, and remarked, as he looked at the ruin, that he would never be able to make a living at billiards, and would have to learn to turn a barrelorgan with his left hand. "Two deep when you're over, men," an officer cried to tho Irishmen, up to their necks in Tugela. "Begorra, it's too deep I am already," Pat answered, promptly. At Ladysmith an Army chaplain was visiting the wounded men in the field hospital, when he came to a soldier who was groaning loudly. "Come, my poor fellow, bear the pa'n like a man." said the chaplain. "It's ho use kicking against fate." "Bedad. sorr, you're right !" groaned the sufferer, wljo had been severely kicked by a transport- mule. " 'Specially when it's the fate av an Army mule!" ANOTHER WAY OF PUTTING IT. In a police-court an inspector was giving evidence of, the arrest of ine prisoner. "I went to number twenty-seven," he said, in a dignified staccato fashion that camo from long practice, "where I saw the prisoner in bed. I said: 'I have a warrant for your arrest for burglariouslv entering the premises at —,' " and so OJJU At the end of the inspector's evidence the magistrate asked the prisoner:— " Any questions?"' "Yes, sir," said the prisoner, and he intimated that the inspector had not given his evidence correctly. "Pm sure." he said, "Mr. Jackson" — the inspector—"don't want to s ay only what is true. Didn't you come to my room?" —turning to the inspector—"and say: 'Now. then. Ginger, 'op out of 't—l want yer' ?" SURPRISING A WITNESS. Of tho many excellent stories Judge Bodkin tells in h's reminiscences, perhaps the most amusing is that concerning a case in which the famous Serjeant Armstrong appeared for the defendant against a plaintiff who sought to recover a certain debt, and the Serjeant rose to examine him. "Without a word he handed the witness a siieet of blue paper with writing and an obliterated stamp upon it. "The witness just glanced at the document. then silently handed it back to the Serjeant. Still" without a word .he took off his spectacles, put them in their case, the case in his pocket, picked up his bat. and began to move unobtrusively out of the witness-box. * " 'What's all this?' queried the bewildered judge. " 'Only the gentleman's receipt in full for the amount claimed,' said the Serjeant. "The pla ntiff. half out of the witnessbox, turned to the judge with the air of a man who has been cruelly misled. " '1 take my solemn oath, my lord.' lie said, earnestly, I never would have brought the action but that I was led to believe that the receipt was burned. Quite amusing, too. is the story of a man charged for taking part in a drunken row who was brought before Judge Bodkin. Ho appeared 'n the dock sporting a temperance badge. "I am"glad," said Judge Bodkin, a* he let him off lightly, ''to that you have taken the pledge." ••I had it before that. too. your honour." the prisoner responded, cheerily. " Well this time 1 hope you have taken it for life." "Oh, your honour." he expostulated, reproachfully, "sure, I alwavs take it for life!" THAT CHILD AGAIN. Ros'e: "Papa, will our new mamma go mad after a while?" . Father: "What a question. Why uo you ask sue hathi ng?" Rosie: "Well. I heard her tell cook yesterday that she got badly bitten when the maried you. " "The fighting at Spion Kop wa* child's play with what I went through during the Crimean War," said a r«teran to a recruit. . . " 1 suppose you had some exciting experiences?" repl'ed the recruit. " Well, I should say so. My regiment was ordered to charge a fort. We dashed amid a storm of grape and canister into the very midst of the enemy, and not a man escaped to tell the tale. Everv man, from tho colonel to the drum-mer-boy, was killed." "How did you manage to escape," "Well, you see, I was at home on furlough at the time."