YANKEE HUMOUR.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 8, Issue 30, 12 April 1907, Page 8

YANKEE HUMOUR.

A BUSINESS OUTLOOK, ; Jones (father of seven children): " Maria, put a decanter of that heavy port on the table to-day." Mrs. Jones; '* Why do you want that wine On the table ?" Jones:" Old Goldbug is going to dine with me to-day. He can’t drink port without getting tight, and he may propose to one of the girls." AN AFFLICTED FAMILY. Old lady (to small boy, who is endeavouring to attach tin can to dog’s tail): " You naughty little boy! What would your mother say if she saw you acting so cruelly ?’ Small boy: " She wouldn't say anything; she's dumb." "But if your father could see you he—" "Would give all he's worth; he’s blind.' —New York Sun. supposing a case. "It seems to be a perfectly ckar case against you," said the reporter. " Why not make a clean breast of it and let me publish your confession ?" I' Confession I" exclaimed the indignant prisoner, " I have nothing to confess! I am an innocent man, sir I But if—if—s'posin' I did have a confession to make, what’s the biggest figger your paper would pay me for it ?"—Nets York Mercury. THOUGHT IT MIGHT ANSWER THE PURPOSE. Miss Addie Prose : " I do wish I could find some means of falling off in my weight. I am getting to be a perfect sight." Miss Grace: "Why don't you try riding a bicycle?" Miss Addie: "Would that do me any good ?" Miss Grace: " I'm not sure, but I heard my brother say that when he first rode he fell off considerably."— New York Mercury. KIND HBARTEDNESS OF FARMERS. Annabel : " Oh, I just love the country; don't you?" Marian: " Yes, I adore it." Annabel:" Farmers are such kind-hearted people, you know. When I first went t 6 the country I oould not imagine why they raked the hay up in these cunning little heaps, till one day it flashed across me that the dear, kind farmers did it so as to give the poor tramps a place to sleep." THE PROFESSIONAL GOOD MAN. Ted: "I dined at Prim’s last night, and the old man took ten minutes to thank the Lord for what he had provided." Ned:" What of that?" Ted: " Why, when I was going in the house earlier in the evening I heard the old man bullying his wife because she asked him for two dollars to buy the things for dinner." —, Drake's Magazine. A MINISTER'S PRESENCE OF MIND. " Who is there," cried the orator, " who will lift a voice against the truth of my statement ?" Just then a burro in the outskirts of the crowd gave vent to one of the piercing " heehaws" of his tribe. The laugh was on the orator for a moment, but, assuming an air of triumph, he lifted his voice above the din to say; " 1 knew nobody but a jackass would try U | "—fit. Louis Republican. THE MODERN DINNER. Mr. Particular Goodform (to the hostess after dinner): *• Yours is the first dinner I’ve attended this season, Mrs. Comstock, that I've really enjoyed." Mrs. Comstock: " Oh, how very complimentary ! To what feature of the entertainment shall I attribute your pleasure ?" Mr. Goodform: "To the spoons, Mrs. Comstock, the spoons. Those placed before* me were all of a uniform size, and I cannot toll you how I enjoyed the time usually devoted to speculation as to which spoon was designed for the course,"— Detroit Free Press. NOT SUPERSTITIOUS HERSELF. " So you wouldn't move into your new house yesterday because it was Friday? Fie, fie, Mrs. Baldwin I I thought you were superior to such little superstitions." " I know it was foolish in me, Mrs. Ramo, but we all have our weaknesses, you know." "But that’s such a ridiculous notion. The idea that there can be anything in the mere—why, Mrs. Baldwin! That’s an awful looking wart on your knuckle. Why don’t you rub it with a piece of hararind and then bury the rind under a stone and walk away from it backward? I've taken off dozens of them in that my."—New York Mercury. WAS IT THE CUSTOM ? First Boarder: " Did you hear the new boarder come in this morning ?" Second B.: " No, what time was it ?" F. 8.: " Two a.m, I was up with the baby and saw him come up to his room with bis ihoee in bis hand." 5.8.: " Oh, that is easily accounted for. You sae, for the past six years he has resided in India, where it is the custom to remove the shoes upon entering a house." F. 8.; "Yes, that may be so, but is it the custom in India, for people to fall up stairs and hiccough loud enough to wake the whole family ?" FELLOWS WHO COULD SHOOT. ONI day, during the late civil war, there was a truce between the two hostile picket iinea. " Ho, Yank I" cried out a lank Mississipplan who had just been posted. 11 Can you fellows shoot?" "WaJ, Johnny, I guess we can, some. Can you ?" "Shoot!"shoutedtheConfederate. "Why down in Mississippi we knock a bumblebee off a thistle-blow at 300 yards." " Oh, that’s nothin' to the way we shoot Op in Vaxmount. I belonged to a company up ther* of 100 men, and every week we used to go out to practice. The cap’n would draw us up in single file and set a cider barrel rollin' down hill. Each man took a shot at the bung-hole as it turned up. The barrel was then examined, and if there was a shot found that didn't go into the bunghole the man that fired it was expelled. I belonged to the company ten years and there ain't been nobody expelled yet."— Texas Siftings. THE GOOD OLD DAYS. When poets sing of the ancient days. Of troubadours and roundelays, Afld speak of them with unstinted praise, The question pat arises. How many miles did a troubadour Travel before bis leet got sore ? And wasn't he sometimes rather a bore, With his guitar and guises ? Those barons and nights in the days of old With iron clothes and cloth of gold, Were liable, very, to catch a cold, With underwear or hardwear; And though, perhaps, society’s cream, Not one of them ever had brains to dream Of warming the castle moat with steam, Or living on aught but bard faro. The joys and jousts of the tournament May have made the victors very content, But then the fellows whose cash was spent Were placed in rather a quandary. And with all their banners and silken clothes, Iheir mantles and feathers and Flemish hose Their chains and jewels and furbelows, They sever beard of a laundry

SUGGESTIVE. v, »)r.: j a certain bachelor was married, G.e members of the Bachelors’ Club sup scd'him by sending him as a wedding ' sent a copy of " Paradise Lost." A GOOD DISINFECTANT. The best disinfectant, as well as cheapest, lor poultry yards, closets, drains and cellars : s sulphate of iron, or'copperas. Dissolve ’wo ounces in a gallon of water, then use il from the sprinkler freely. PRESENCE OF MIND. Fweddy —Baw Jove, Cholly, when that nasty, ugly dawg twiecUo bite me I just slopped still and looked at him—like this—and, baw Jove, he tuhned wound and wan off. Wasn't that gweat pwesence of mind ? Cholly—lt was, indeed, ole chappie. Who ■vould have expected to see it in a dog ? FADS OF THE PEERAGE. Lord Rosslyn recently made a bet with Lord Headley that he would eat two pounds of steak and drink a gallon of ale in less time than Lord Headley took to kill and skjn a bullock. T he Marquis of Ailesbury, who was once in trade, still affects his costermonger suit on odd occasions, and likes to make a bet that he will sell a barrow of greens as quickly a| any hawker in Whitechapel. Lord Gardner lives all the year round in India, and his baroness is a daughter of Prince Mirza Shikoe, a grandson of the late king of Delhi. She is a coffee coloured lady, and enjoys her betelnut as thoroughly as a nautch girl. Lord Lisle insists upon smoking a short clay pipe in the streets. He is an Irish peer and not very well off. His dining room walls are adorned with coloured clay pipes, arranged in stars and crosses, all of whichever 500—have been smoked by his lordship. Lord Newburgh point blank declines to be either an Englishman or a Scotchman, although he is the tenth peer of his title, lie is an Italian citizen, and calls himself Count Bandini—perhaps one ot the only instances on record where a man prefers being an Italian count to an English peer. Viscount Taaffe, an Irish peer, positively' declines to be an Irishman of any description, He and his father before him were naturalized Austrians, and the country has agreed so well with him that he has risen to the rank of Prime Minister to the Emperor Franz Josef, He calls himself a count —Count Taaffe. The Duke of Hamilton can be recognised a mile off by his clothes. They are always of the same pattern—very loud check, very baggy trousers, very short coat and a pot hat. He usually has a dozen suits made on the same lines, colour and pattern at the same time, and he regularly, whenever it is possible, changes his garments in the middle of the day. THE THOROUGHBRED HORSE. He was probably (says an American writer) first bred in . England for the turf, but ths traits which crowned him there soon made him popular everywhere. He was soon found at the front in the chase, in the stage coach, in the gentleman's carriage and even in the plough, The first importation of thoroughbreds to America was in 1725 and 1730. At various times importations have been made which formed the basis of the thoroughbreds of America. Recent Arabian importations have been made, but are not considered desirable. To maintain and improve the good qualities of the thoroughbred is a problem which has been before the breeders for over 200 years. The law of like begetting like, and the race track have done the work. A horse that ran fast and carried heavy weight, coupled to a mare that cquld do the same thing, would likely produce a foal with the good qualities of its dam and sire. After years of such trial and breeding the type of the thoroughbred has, been fixed as no other breed, for no other has had such a long and severe test, or has been bred with such care,

Horse-racing has been licensed in England and America because it was thought necessary to develop the horse. It has certainly done this, whatever it may have done for a certain class of men who follow the turf for gambling purposes. It does seem that this nvghl be done and the horse developed without any of the evil influences which attend lt ( at the ordinary track, It is as much our duty to make the most of this gift of God, the horse, as any other. He gave us the horse just as he gives us other things, not in the highest condition, but in a state which needed development. It is as much our duty to do this as to build railroads or other national improvements. This is a fast age, and the demands upon us are such that we cannot drive a slow horse. A business man’s time is too precious to lose an hour each day by driving a slow team. We are paying too much to the man who drives our plow to tolerate a slow team. The sun is too hot in the harvest field for the heavy horse with his thick skin and poor lungs. The machinery must stop for hours each hot day or you lose such a horse, The stopping of machinery and men in the field means heavy loss. We need a horse for all purposes, with the traits of the thoroughbred, but a little more weight than many of them possess. When four-mile races were in fashion our horses had to carry heavy weights, and nothing but strong horses could succeed. If our horses had to carry such weights as they do in Australia, and run long distances, as was once popular in America, it .would greatly improve the thoroughbred. It should be remembered that horse racing is licensed only to improve the horse, not for gambling purposes. A four-mile horse with ability to carry weight would have to be large, and he would be the best all-purpose horse in the world. It has been found that weight on the back of a horse, a long track before hfm, and a spur in his side to urge him to his best, is the mogt successful way to test a horse in all those essential points which make a good animal. His skin, his lungs, his bones, his muscle and his nervous system all go to make his strength, action, speed and staying qualities. None of those can be seen with the eye with certainty. The bones may bo well shaped but porous, and have but little substance. The muscles may be well developed, but, like a loosely twisted string, have no strength. The skin may be sleek and velvety, but without the power to throw offbeat. The lung or chest capacity may be good, and the horse have no wind, because the texture of the lungs is not clastic and tough. Last, but not least, his brain and nervous system may be so sluggish that the horse has no power to move quickly, and has no courage. " It will readily be seen that tests of all these things are necessary to the production of a first class breed of horses, and the tests should be made for years and the breeding done with these facts in view. It will readily be seen also that the thoroughbred is the _only horse we now have whose breeding and test have been sufficient to justify any great expectation. The trotting horse is a coming horse, but his pedigree is too short—there are too many blanks. The heavy horse for farm work, even in this climate, does not stand the beat, and is too slow. Near the sea shore, and for a short time—for his life is short—he may do heavy work; but in my opinion, after a trial of over forty years in a warm climate, the thoroughbred, crossed with a good-sized common horse, makes the best all-purposa animal.