AS YOU LIKE IT.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 8, Issue 27, 2 April 1907, Page 3

AS YOU LIKE IT.

The average editor wears no diamond-, Paste is good enough for him. Why is a man roused out of his sleep lii.'i a silk hat in a storm ?—Because his nap i:; disturbed. The best way to improve a woman's lot is to build a house on it, and put a good man in the house. Rural Hospitality.—" Do take sonic more vegetables, Mr Jones, for they go to the pigs anyhow." Housekeeper : " I regret to say, sir, that your son and the cook have eloped." Rich old party : " Thunderation. Then we shan't have any dinner." *" John, you are not listening to a word I am saying!" " Why, my dear Angelina, I am all ears 1" "I know you are, and that makes it all the more provoking." Irish Driver.—" Shure, that is the Cus-tom-House, sorr. But it's only the rare av it you'll be seeing this side, sorr. The front's behind." Sunday-school Teacher (to -the bright boy of the class)—" Johnny, how did Elijah die ?" Johnny—" He didn't die. He was translated from the original Hebrew."

An unsuccessful vocalist went to the poorhouse, and delighted the inmates with his singing. He said it was a natural thing for him to do, as he'd been singing to poor houses ever since he began his career. A minister's son once said to his father —"Pa, St. Paul was a Yankee." "How so, my sou?" "Why, in Romans, Bth chapter, and 18th verse, he says, 'For I reckon,' and none but Yankees ever reckon."

" Look here, Pete," said a darkey to his companion, "don't stan 1 on de railroad." "Why, Joe?" " Kase if de cars seedat mouf of yourn dey will tinkit am de station, an' run right in." How to do it.—Some men must have a quarter of a column to express a well-defined idea when writing for a newspaper, but it is astonishing how concise they can make an advertisement that costs a shilling a line. Tommy : " I bought this 4og to makft money out of him." Sister's beau: "How is that?" Tommy: "I expect that you will give me a dime for tying him up every time you come to see my sistei. He's awful savage." Doctor: "Your blood is deficient in quality, Mr. Jones. What you ,jeed is more iron in the system." Mr. Jones: "That can't be doctor. I have stepped on at least twenty-two tacks with my bare ie:.t since house-cleaning began."

Wasted Energies.—lt is notgood oolicy always to take things for granted. "After spending an hour at drilling at a safe door in Newark, a burglar was frightened away. The men who frightened him off discovered that the safe door had not been locked at all. Cheap Experience.—" Experience may be a dear teacher," remarked a minister as the contribution-box was returning to him empty, " but the members of this particular flock who have experienced religion have accomplished it at a trifling cost." Not Fair.—Mrs. Potts : " Just to think of talking to me in such a style. You, who used to swear I was an angel." Mr. Potts: "Look here, my dear, that isn't fair ; you know it isn't. What is the use of twitting a man about the lies he told fifteen yean ago?"

Inconsistent.—"Will,"said Mrs. Drury to her husband, after his return from a'fishing trip, " you ought to spend an hour or two with the fisherman and get some hints about the different kinds of fish." " Er—what for ?" demanded Will. "It looks inconsistent, that's all, to bring home mackerel, when you've been fishing up the river." Tis True, and Pity 'tis 'tis True.— Here is a graphic description of a fishing excursion :—" Went off Saturday noon foi a half-day of fishing. Returned lateat night, having walked thirteen miles, lost a £ls watch, sprained my thumb, spoiled a thirtyshilling pair of trousers by sitting down on my luncheon, and caught a one-ounce trout." Consideration for the Cloth.—A circular has been sent to very many American clergymen by a New York wine-firm, setting forth the merits of its wines and liquors, with prices by the case, &c. The end of tlie circular reads—" N.B.—To avoid suspicion, every case sent you will be marked, ' Canned peaches.' " Pals.—On President Lincoln's first visit to a house of correction, an old criminal, looking through the bars of his cell, remarked —" Well, Mr Lincoln, you and I ought to be well posted on prisons; we've seen all there ire in the country." " Why, this is the first Mie I ever visited," said Mr Lincoln; to which he criminal promptly responded—" But I've occn in all the rest!"

New at the Business.—A married •ouplc were promenading in the suburbs Presently the wife said—" Think, Albert, if .be brigands should come now, and take mo 'rom you !" " Impossible! my dear." " But supposing they did come and carry mo way, what would you say?" "I should say," replied the husband, "that the hrii.ands were new at the business, That's al."

Rather Warm.—First Lady (behind a tall hat at the theatre) : " Rather out of tyle, isn't it?" Second Lady (in a loud whisper): " Yes, they were wearing hats like that in Paris when I was there two years ago." "Yes, I thought it was about that old. What flimsy material it is made of." " Horribly cheap. I saw that in a window of a second-hand store marked—" Lady in front (to companion): " It's so dreadfully warm here I shall have to takft off my hat." 1 A New Way of Excruciating a Husband.—A lady whose husband had a very small foot, of which he was extremely proud, encouraged his vanity, so that every time he bought tighter and tighter shoes* It was excruciating to him to go about in iliem, but he would not confess it. Howiver, when he reached home in the evening iiis slippers were such a welcome relief that I was a difficult matter to get him to go out ifter dinner. From a great clubman he •ecame noted for his domestic habits. His vife smiled, but said nothing. Coleridge and the Jew.—Coleridge ays:—Once I sat in a coach opposite a Jew, ■■ symbol of old clothes-bags, an Isaiah of loly-well St. He would close the window; opened it. He closed it again, upon which, 1 a very solemn lene, I said to him—" Son 1 Abraham, thou smellest! Son of Isaac, hou art offensive ! Son of Jacob, thou 1 inkest foully ! See the man in the moon 1 0 is holding his nose at that distance. Jost thou think that I, sitting here, can entire it any longer?" My Jew was asonished, opened the window forthwith limsclf, and said he was sorry that he did •.ot know before I was so great a gentleman. A Strange Disease.—A short lime since a number of amateur musicians in a country ,j\vn made an effort to organise an o.chestra. i hey were successful in procuring all the .'erlormers they desired except an ophicleide .ilaycr. One of the number finally volunecred to take up the instrument and try to 'cam it. He had no ophicleide, but, hearing • hat he could probably borrow one from a young man in the place who was thought to ■jwn one, he met him in the street one dav ;nd accosted him with, " How are you, i3rown ? I heard you had an ophicleide." Brown looked at him in utter amazement, naving probably never heard of such an nstrament before, and stammered out,

' Well, I—l—was ill about two weeks ago, >ut 1 don't think I had that I"