Humour.

Poverty Bay Standard, Volume XI, Issue 1260, 27 January 1883, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humour.

CHIFFONS FARIS. (TRANSLATED FROM LE FIGARO.) A Stranger is seated in a Cafe on the Boulevard. At the end of five minutes he calls the waiter. “ Garcon I ... I was told that Paris was infested with bullies, I don’t see any.” “ What,” said the waiter, astonished, “ you don't see any? Why there are three just gone out; there are two on your right, five on your left; there are a dozen further in. . . But this evening the cafe will be full. A Prince, whose chances of being seated on a throne were not very remote at the time, was dining with some Parisian actresses. During the dessert, when he was a little jolly, he enlarged upon some grand reforms which he would initiate when he should be a King. “ Bah ! ” said one of the actresses to him, in all seriousness, “ you will be just the same as the others—when you are stage-manager 1 ” At the decorative art exhibition : Two little girls are gazing with admiration at a splendid Louis XVI bed, all ablaze with gold and decorated with feathers. “ Would you like to have a bed like that ? ” “ Oh, no ! that would frighten one! ” Monsieur X. . . a merchant, married to a young and pretty woman, is a pure blood Parisian who has never travelled. .Some

weeks back he received a paper (from one of his friends) and, besides the address, it bore the mystic words “to be followed.” Tbe nextdn y another paper, with the same to be followed ” on it; the day after still another with tho same legend. At length, after profound reflection, Monsieur X. . . arrived at the conclusion that this was meant as a friendly hint. Some further observations and reflections arising out of this new verson of the old legend, “ to be continued in our next,” resulted, so we are informed, in a very pretty little divorce case. Little Augustus lathers his cat all over with soap and water, and then commences gravely to shave him with his father's best razor. The nurse scolds him severely. “ Ah I replied Augustus thoughtfully, one is very apt to hurt one’s self in shaving. . . lam only practising for the time that I’ll have a beard. Stort ; Monsieur X hears his dog howling frightfully, and sees his keeper beating him unmercifully. “ What are you beating the brute for that way ?” “ Because he won’t keep quiet, and he frightens the game ; but, it’s queer, the more I whack him the more he howls.” Monsieur Prudhomme is a partisan of the English Alliance, after many tergiversations. The other day he saw two Englishmen passing. He rushes out and says to them gravely, after warmly shaking their hands, “ Come now! ... let us have no more talk about Waterloo.” Thompson, in the most languishing tone, and with eyes like a dying duck in a thunderstorm, to an old coquette who is making the most pronounced advances to him : “Ah ! you are like me—you don’t believe in growing old 1” ! Infantile joke. “ How pretty he is—your little boy I . . ” “Oh isn’t he? . . He is charming 1 and so precocious I What do you think? He is only three years old and already he calls his grandmother ‘ old warming-pan I’ ” THE BABBEL OBGAN. Tunc.— Typical M.P.’s. Within the walls of Parliament just now there lamentation is, Of which the Autumn Session lately mentioned is tbe cause; And so far from any eagerness, great the members’ indignation is At the thought of pheasant-slaying yielding place to making laws; That ’stead of pastime waiting for them, There’s a prospect of debating for them, And of dreary nights with Blue-books, ’stead of mornings with a gun ; That at Mr. Speaker’s .order, they must e’en re-cross the border. Was ever harsher treatment for the legislative onel Was ever harsher treatment for the legislative one! Nearly all lament the blow, Grieve that such a thing must be ; And a truly joyful glow Warms the breast of no M.P. Pass within the Common’s door. See the types that mingle there; You will find as you explore, AU the disappointment share. Though—and this you cannot well Fail to note as you proceed— These same types, the truth tn toll, Are a varied lot indeed. Conceive, then, if you can, An every-day old man, A self-made M.P., Who has much £ s. d., Though he only with twopence began, Who tries to sink the shop, And to pose as England's prop, But who to everybody Beeks hopelessly of shoddy, As his “ h’s ” freely drop I A nouveau-riche M.P., A “ sprung from the ranks ’’ M.P. A bragging and bumptious, indely presumtuous, Vulgar and mean M.P. But other types, see how they swarm, List, and your own opinions form :— Here’s a matter-of-fact M.P.— A thoroughly safe M.P.— A stolidly hearty, vote with his party, Do-as-he’s-told M.P.— A young and absurd M.P. ; — A put-Europe-right M.P.— A silly, irrational, things international Muddle and mix M.P. 1 A prosy, old M.P. A blundering, dense M.P., A Bill-blocking, bogeyish, somewhat old fogeyish, Talk-by-the-hour M.P, 1 A silly and dull M.P., A simpering, weak M.P., A question-diurnally, query-eternally, Wanting to know M.P. 1 A would-be-grand M.P. I A weak-kneed, whig M.P., A full-of-servility, apeing gentility, Toady and snob M.P. A false-protence M.P., A turn-on-his-side M.P. A focing-both-waysical, poor lackadaisical, Vicar-of-Bray M.P. A vapid and mild M.P., A row-hating, fair M.P., A beaming, non-fightable, most unexcitable, Jog along slow M.P.! A dapper and spry M.P., A lilliput hero M.P., A tilting-at-giant-y, ultra-defiant-y, Sting-like-a gnat M.P. A ponderous, loud M.P., An ore rotundo M.P., A know-all, historical, quite the Sir Oracle, Crichton the Second M. P. A juvenile M.P., A fluff-on-the-lip M.P., A collar-and-cuflyish, terribly mufly-ish, “ Aw, don't you know ? ” M.P., A nisi-prius M.P., A legal, red-tape M.P., A specious, sophistical, dryly statistical, Speak-to-a-brief M.P. 1 A young and pert M.P., An immature M.P., A Premier harrassing, own side embarassing, Too-sharp-by-half M.P.I A feather his nest M.P., A look-to-himself M.P., Whose crowning ambition is social position— A modern, not model, M.P. There are more types, without a doubt, But all the-rest are crowded out. —(Truth.) THE OLD BEAR CAME TO THE RESCUE. A Fishing party was on its way from Benson Centre to Silver Lake, about eight miles, recently, and stopped for refreshments at a spring near at hand. A young bear was seen ascending tbe tree with all the agility vested in his nature. Thinking it capital sport the members of the party fired upon their prisoner with a twenty-two-calibre revolver. About this time bruin, senior, put in her appearance, and the revolving part was changed. The boys, seeing their dog making several revolutions per minute toward a ravine, acted upon the principle that their legs would not see their body hurt. Silver Lake was not reached, and they returned to their respective homes feeling much fatigued from the effect of their day’s labour. Trou Timer.

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