Humour.

Poverty Bay Standard, Volume X, Issue 1187, 28 October 1882, Page 8 (Supplement)

Humour.

THE LAME-BACKED BOY. HOW HE PLAYED ON THE OLD MAN. Peck’s Sun. A boy went into a store the other morning, limping, and seemed to be broke up generally. The proprietor asked him if he wouldn’t sit down, and he said he couldn’t very well, as his back was lame. He seemed discouraged, and the proprietor asked him what was the matter. •‘Well,” said he, “there is no encouragement for a boy to have any fun nowadays. If a boy tries to play an innocent joke he gets kicked all over the house. You see, my old man is no spring chicken, and though his eyes are not what they used to be, yet he can see a pretty girl further than I can. The other day I wrote a note in a fine hand, and addressed it to him, asking him to be on a certain corner at half-past seven on Saturday evening, and signed the name of Daisy to it. At supper-time pa was all shaved up, and had his hair plastered ovsr the bald spot, and he got on some clean cuffs, and said he was going to the lodge to initiate some candidates, and he might not be in till late. He didn’t eat much supper, and hurried off. I winked at ma, but I didn’t say anything. At halfpast seven I went down town, and he was standing there by the post office corner, in a dark place. I went by him, and said: “ Hello, pa, what are you doing there ? ” “He said he was waiting for a man. I went down street, and pretty soon I went up on the other corner, and he was standing there. You see, he didn’t know what corner Daisy was going to be on, and he had to cover the whole four comers. I asked him if he hadn’t found his man yet, and he said no, the man was a little late. I went up street, and '

I saw pa cross over by the drug store, and I could see a girl going by with a water-proof on, but she stated along, and pa looked kind of solemn the way he does whan I ask for new clothes. I turned and came back, and he was standing there in the doorway, and I said: “ * Pa, you will catch cold if you stand round waiting for a man. You go down to the lodge, and let me lay for the man.’ “Pa said : ‘ Never you mind ; you go about your business, and I will attend to the man.’

“ ‘ Well, when a boy’s pa tells him to never mind, my experience is that the boy wants to go right away from there, and I went down street. I thought I would cross over and go up the other side, and see how long he would stay. There was a girl or two going up ahead of me, and I see a man hurrying across from the drug store to the other corner. It was pa, and as the girls went alpng and never looked around, pa looked mad, and stepped into the doorway.. It was about eight o’clock then, and pa was tired, ai|d I felt sorry for him, and I went up to him, and asked him for a half a dollar to go to the theatre. I never knew him to shell out so quick. He gave me a dollar, and I told him I would go and get it changed an d bring him back the half-dollar, but he said I needn’t mind the change. It is awful mean of a boy that has been treated well, to play it on his pa in that way, and I felt ashamed. As I turned the corner and saw him standing there shivering, waiting for the man, my conscience troubled me, and I told a policeman to go and tell pa that Daisy had been taken sick, and would not be there that evening. “ Well, when I went home the joke was so good I told ma about it, and she was mad. I guess she was mad at me for treating pa that way. I heard pa come home about eleven o’clock, and ma was real kind to him. Hhe told him to warm his feet, ’cause they were jnst like chunks of ice. Then she asked him how many they initiated in the lodge, and he said six, and then she asked him if they initiated Daisy in the lodge, and then she began to cry. “ In the morning pa took me into the basement, and gave me the hardest talking to that ever I had, with a bed-slat. He said he knew that I wrote the note all the time, and he thought he would pretend that he was looking for Daisy, just to fool me. But what did he give me that dollar for ? “Ma and pa don’t seem to call each other pet any more, and, as for me, they both look at me as though I was a hard citizen. lam going to Missouri to take Jesse James’ place. There is no encouragement for a boy here.” And the boy limped out to separate a couple of dogs that were fighting. A one legged tramp appealed to a Congressman at a Washington street comer for alms. “ Were you in the war ?” asked the eminent statesman, arrested by the pitiable look of supplication in the man’s face. “ I lost a leg at Cedar Mountain.” “ It’s very strange,” muttered the representive, “ only last Winter we passed a bill providing for cases like yours.” “ Very true,” returned the mendicant with a sigh, “ but 1 trusted to a pension agent.” The guests at Mr. Marrowfat’s table were discussing the subject of Longfellow’s translation of the beautiful German song, “Into the Silent Land,” when little Miltiades, who had apparently been paying no attention, looked up and said : “ Dad, do you think mother will ever go there ?” Somehow or other the question put an end to the conversation. “ What’s your business?” asked the magistrate, eyeing the prisoner with a six months in the penitentiary expression. “ When I’m sober, judge, I make my money out of real estate movements,” meekly answered the victim of the flowing bowl. “Do you mean to say that you are in the street cleaning department ?” “ No, your honor, Ido not; I only mean to say that I’m a grave digger.” MR. DAMMIT’s DOG AND DAUGHTER, “ I can’t imagine what ails that dog!” observed Mr. Dammit, surveying his canine with considerable apprehension. “ Here, Pinkie. Well, I’m blest! Look here! I’m dumbed if she hasn’t got a whole patchwork quilt in her mouth I Look at these pieces ! All good cloth,” and the old gentleman spread them out on the parlor carpet. “ That comes of hoisting up a family,” continued the old gentleman. “ I claim that no fellow can keep a daughter and a dog with any safety to the dog. Look at those pieces of pantaloons I There’s been another convention of admirers here to-night, and a quorum of it has gone home with its backs to the fence. You Pink! I wonder some of ’em don’t take a night off and spark that dog with a shot-gun.” “ What is it all about?” asked an innocent Eagle reporter, who had dropped in to get the old gentleman’s views on the Egyptian question. “ I don’t know,” sighed Mr. Dammit, “ but about twice a week I have to unpack that dog’s mouth, and other young fellow I meet walks considerably Spanish as he goes, past here. You know, they will call. The whole family is popular, and—you see that quilt on my bed? That represents intelligent admiration. Every patch there had a hero fastened to it at once, but the dog sort of separated ’em. They come in squads, and keep coming. I’ve seen from a dozen to four gross here, and on the fence at one time. All smitten clear through, and each clamoring to be heard first. Why, sir, I’ve got the nicest dressing gown made of Summer trousers goods, and the nobbiest overcoat composed of Winter cashmeres, that you ever saw.” “ I shouldn’t think the same fellows would care to come twice,” suggested the reporter. “ I don’t know,” ruminated Mr. Dumniit. “ They are so thick around here, that you can’t tell the new ones from the stagers. You should drop in some night and see ’em. They have caucuses, and committees, and delegates, and all that. You know, where there are so many, they have to organize, so as to keep some kind of order, and then Pink constitutes herself a committee of ways and means, and takes up an impartial collection of coat-tails, trousers-legs, collar-bands, and such, to defray the expenses of the campaign.” “ Your daughter must be very popular,” observed the reporter. “ She’s the prettiest girl in Brooklyn,” rejoined the old gentleman, with just pride. “ And that’s the best dog in nine counties. Pink likes society, and she’s made the best collection of autographs, as she regards them, to be found in the possession of any dog on Long Island. Was that the bell ? Here Pink I Hi you !” But he was too late. “ There,” he continued, as the dog returned after a short excursion ; “ that is—l don’t believe I know this one,” and he put on his spectacles and examined the piece of cloth the dog laid at his feet. “ The colour is familiar, but I don’t place him. Perhaps my daughter will know when she comes in. Well, sir, it is the dumbdest sight you ever looked at, to sec her come from the theatre and go over those patches to find out who called. Knows every one of ’em ! Can’t stick her on a patch, and she’s very neat in making ’em up. Look at that sofa pillow! Just take a look at that piano cover! And see this chair, how easy it is,” and the old gentleman bounced up and down while the reporter looked on admiringly.— Brooklyn Eagle. The height of conscientiousness for a heavy dragoon: To refuse to drink a quart of beer on foot. The height of maritime bravery : To bum your own fleet.

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