THE CHANNEL TUNNEL AND WHAT IT MAY LEAD TO.

Poverty Bay Standard, Volume X, Issue 1125, 17 August 1882, Page 4

THE CHANNEL TUNNEL AND WHAT IT MAY LEAD TO.

[from the “referee.’’] When the Channel Tunnel is built, hourly Continental invasions are confidentially anticipated. There will be a delightful state of uncertainty when the invading army comes quietly up the shaft and walks into Dover, as to whom we are going to have a war with. You see, it may be Germany come to annex us —or France, or Russia. No doubt the policeman on tunnel duty will be a linguist, and have instructions to ascertain at once the nationality of the invader, in order that the true state of affairs may at onee be telegraphed to the Duke. Directly the Duke knows what nation we have to repel, he will at once telephone the army to get ready. Then if our officers have been allowed to go up in balloons, or on trips to the North Pole, it is just possible the situation may be extremely awkward. Something like the following may be looked for in military history if Colonel Burnaby’s example becomes contagious :— UP IN A BALLOON.—(A Mintart Drama of the Future.) Scene I.—The Horse Guards. (The Duke of Cambridge with his ears to the telephone. Policeman at the Dover End.) Duke: Eh! speak louder. Another invasion, did you say? Policeman: Yes, sir. Duke: Don't call me sir, I'm a Royal Highness. Policeman: Beg pardon, sir, but how the deuce was I to know that ? You can't see who you’re talking to through the telephone. Duke: Don’t be impertinent. Are you sure it's an invasion ? Policeman : Well, 20,000 coves in helmets a-comin’ out o’ the tunnel with their words drawed, don't look like a Paris and. back five-bob party, doit? 1

Duke (aside) : This intelligent officer is right. It’s an invasion. Hang it! That’s the fourteenth in a fortnight. I'm always being called out of my bed by some condemned foreigners trying to seize the island. (To policeman : What are they ? Policeman : Booshins or I’rooshins, I fancy. Duke: Where are they ? Policeman : Why, half way to London by this time. Duke: Why the deuce didn’t you tell me earlier, man? It may be too late. ( Policeman : Well, I like that. Why, I've been a shouting through the blessed telephone for half an hour till I was black in the face, and couldn’t get no answer. Duke: 1 had stepped across to the pastrycook’s for a Bath bun, and forgot to tell my aide-de-camp to attend to the bell. Well, I must summon my staff and the army as well. (Elit to summon the army.) Scene ll.—The Top of the Monument. (Enter the Duke of Cambridge and his Staff out of breath.)) Duke : This is terrible. The idea, at my time of life, having to mount this place to look for the army ! First Staff: Your Hoyal Highness is the only one who is always at his post. Duke : I am. Where’s the telescope. Second Staff: Here, your Boyal Highness. Duke (sweeping the heavens with his telescope) : There’s a balloon over there; do you think that is Sir Garnet? First Staff.- I will signal by the newmilitary ballooning code. (Signals.) Duke (looking through glass) : A birdseye neckerchief waved once right, once left, then a red flannel chest protector waved once, then a white shirt hoisted. What does that mean ?

First Staff : It means it is Sir Garnet, but he can’t come back because the current won’t let him. Duke : Hang it I and the Russians are at Chatham now. AV here's Sir Frederick Roberts ? First Staff: He went un in a balloon last night, and I see in the paper was passing over the Isthmus of Suez this morning. AV hy, he only asked leave to go up the Crystal Palace for half-an-hour AVhere s Sir Daniel Lysdns ? Second Staff : He went up for a Channel trip last week and was carried to the North Pole. His balloon burst and he cau't get back again. Duke : This is preposterous. Here are half the officers of the army in the air . \\ here s Burnaby ? First Staff: You sold him to Barnum, your Royal Highness, to be exhibited with Jumbo. Duke :Ah.' I forgot that. AVell, send a court martial up in a balloon at onee to try those officers who have exceeded their leave. (Enter the Russians.) Duke : Ah, too late ! London is captured, and all because the British officer when wanted was up in a balloon. , (Surrender of the Commander-in-C hief and his Staff after a fierce resistance. Annexation of England by the Czar.) three years elapse. (Euler several officers with unkempt hair and tattered clothes.) hirst Officer: Halloa I Where have you been ? Second Officer: In a balloon. Floating anout for years. Gut on a desert Island, only just got off. < her:.- of Officers: So did T—so ■ : t'mieer: llaiioo ' What a lot ' Ot Here arc about. (Enter the Duke on parole.)

Duke: Ah, wretches, at last! See what the Channel Tunnel and Military ballooning have brought us to ! Die, traitors! (Despatches each officer separately with the ferule of his umbrella, sings “ Rule Britannia,” and is transported to Siberia as a dangerous Nihilist.)