FUNNIOSITIES.

Poverty Bay Standard, Volume X, Issue 1031, 2 February 1882, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

As a governess was superintending tire dinner of her charges, who had a nice dish of pudding for their desert, she thought she would improve the occasion to teach a moral lesson. So she said to the-eldest little boy “ Tom, if there was a poor man starving in the street, what would you do to help him ?” “Why,” said Tommy, “ I’d give him your pudding.” Killing comes natural; half the ? laces in Ireland begins with “ Kill ” here is Killboy, for all Irishmen are called boys, and what is more unmany, there is Killbride ; Killbarron, after the landlords ; Killbarrack, after the English soldiers ; Killcrew for the navy ; Killbriton for the English proprietors ; Killcool, for deliberate murder; and Killmore, if that ain’t -enough. A. little girl called one of her dolls, a jointless creature, her “ woman’s rights doll” “ But why do you call her so ?” asked her aunt, a lecturer upon that much discussed question. ** Oh, cause,” the child answered, “she s just like you; she can’t ever sit down and be comfortable. “ So you enjoyed your visit to the menagerie, did you ?” inquired ayoung man of his adored one’s little sister. “ Oh, yes ! And do you know we saw a camel there that .screwed its mouth and eyes around awfully, and sister ■says it looks exactly as you do when you are reciting poetry at the evening parties.” There is an awful state of affairs in a little Michigan town where a typesetter substituted the word “ widows” for “ windows.” The editor wrote, “ The windows -of the church want washing badly. They are too dirty for any use, and are ivdisgrace to our village.” A man called out to his -creditor, “ Get out, you ornithorhyncus.” The -man departed meekly. “ Who’s that inquired a friend of the speaker, “ An -ornithorhyncus,” “ How’s that ?” “ Well, Webster defines him as a beast with a bill.” A worthy boniface recently expatiated on the virtues of a local brew•er’s beer in the following manner:— “I guarantee-this to cure warts, corns, bunions, slow fever, fever, ague, or any other fever. It expels the wind, -causes a free and easy breathing, purifies the blood, clears the complexion, and sharpens the apprehension, By taking -one glass of a night and two of a morning, you can live to that age that you -do not know who you are or where you came from.” First'l ishwife: “I hear that poor ■old Martha Brown is dead, and that they are going to have a post mortem •examination on her.” Second ditto : “ Oh, they are, are they ? Well, that's a nice thing, I must say! I’ll take care they-never hold one on me—at -least, not-while I’m alive.” A baker, whose loaves had been growing “small by degrees and beautifully less,” when -going -his round to serve his customers, -stopped at the -door of one and knocked, -when -the lady within exclaimed, “Who's there?” and was answered, “ The baker.” “ What do you want ?” “To leave your bread.” “Well, you needn’t make such a fuss about it—put it ■through the keyhole.” was her reply. “Are the young ladies of the present day fit for wives?” asked a lecturer of'his-audience. “They are fit for husbands,” -responded a feminine voice; “ but the difficulty is that men •are not fit for wives.” The applause was great, as was the -discomfiture of lecturer.