AN IMPOSSIBLE PUFF.

Patea Mail, Volume VIII, Issue 998, 16 February 1883, Page 3

AN IMPOSSIBLE PUFF.

« I have,taken your paper fpr twentysix years,” he commenced, ns he reached the head of the stair?; “ and now I want a puff.” He was a very tall, slender map ; had a face which had’nt smiled sihqe 1842, and his neck was onibeaced by a white crnvnt, his hands were thrust into black gTovesr 5 “ I’ve gdt a; new hearse, a now stock.of coffins, and' I want a local notice,” he contimibd, and he snt down and sighed, as if rcadjr to screw a coffin lid down. “My dear sir," replied the man in the corner, “ I’ve foet you ftt several funerals, nhd yonr general, beating has created a favourable impression. / You sigh with the sighers, gri-vo with the grievers, and on extra occasions yon can shed tears of sorrow, even though yon. yon can’t get ten pef’ceht.' of your bill under six months, I’ve seen yon listen to eulogies on men who owed yotv-fpr twenty years before their death, and yon looked even more solemn than the bereaved widow ; I’ve seen yon back year hearse up to the door in such an easy way that it robbed death of half of its torrorsAII this I’ve seen and app elated, bnt I conld’nt write a puff for yon.” “Why hot?” he demanded. “ For many reasmis.' Now you have a now hearse. Could .1 go on and say, < Mr Sackcloth) the genial undertaker, has jnst received a fine new hearse, and we hope our citizens will endeavour to bestow npon it the patronage such enterprise deserves. It rides easy, is handsomely finished, and those who try it once will want no other. ’ Could I say that.?” “ No, not very well;” “ And ns tq your coffins,'they are ■ doubtless «k coffins, and' four prices are proy reasonable ; but .could I go and say, ‘ Mr Sackcloth, the undertaker, has has jnst received his new styles in spring coffins, all sizes, and is now preparing to see as many of his old customers as want something handsome and durable at a moderate price ?’ r Could I say that ?” He leaned luiek and sighed heavily. “I couldn’t say that yon were holding a cleiring-ont sale, in order to get ready for the spring trade ; or that for the sake of increasing your patronage you had decided to present each customer with a chromo, I couldn’t say that yon were repairing and repainting,, and . had the most attractive coffin-shop in Detroit. It would not do to hope that people would patronise yon, or to say that nil. orders gent in by mail would be promptly filled, and that yonr motto was, ‘ Quirk sales, and small profits!’ ” He put on the look of a tombstone, audmade no reply. You see, if yon had stoves-to sell, or -dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing tackle, •verything Jwonld b# lovely. You or; an undertaker, solemn’, sedate, mournful. You revel in crape and you never pass a black-walnut door without thinking how ranch good coffin lumber was wasted. The tolling bell is music to yon and the City Hall flag at half-mast is fat on yonr ribs. We’d like to oblige you, but you see bow it is.” “ Yes, I see, he sighed, and and ho formed in procession and moved downstairs, looking around now and then to see if the hearse was jnst 34 feet behind the officiating clergyman’s carriage.