PASSING NOTES.

Patea Mail, Volume VIII, Issue 973, 18 December 1882, Page 2

PASSING NOTES.

(All communications to he addressed “ Aladdinoffice of this paper.) How some people will lie ! without reason or temptation, simply for what seems to be the pleasure of it. I was talking to an acquaintance of mine tin* other day about the precocity of children in music and I cited an instance of a child of eight years old playing with a good touch and correct “ accent” and so on. “Oh ! that is nothing.” rejoined my acquaintance. “ Our friends the Misses Musical used to go to sleep humming airs from ‘ Faust ’ when they were in long clothes" ( II!) Don’t you think my acquaintance must have begun to dribble fibs at the same tender age ! Another kind that is equally harmless but more amusing is “ the family plate and pedigree” lying. An instance of this kind occurred when I was coming up in the coach from Waverloy. Inside with myself was an old lady and her two daughters and a young Englishman, apparently travelling for his health. The lady and her daughters had come from a neighboring colony to settle on this Coast, accompanied by “papa,” who was on the box. The daughters and the young Englishman entered into conversation about travelling and travellers’ hardships. The young ladies told him “Oh papa is so thoughtless in travelling. When we left he addresssed the case containing the ‘ family plate ’ ‘ Mr G. E. Jones’ without any address, and do yon know wc have never heard of it since. Fortunately mamma happened to forget to pack one piece of plate. That is all that we have saved, and mamma is so frightened of losing it that she carries it on her lap ” (pointing to a bundle under the mother’s shawl). Just at that moment the coach gave a jolt, so! great that for a moment we all thought it was an upset, ami from the old lady” shawl rolled out—what do you think—a tin teapot ! ! Now for a great secret! My friend Ali Baba (a lineal descendant of the famous Ali Baba and the forty thieves) and I, have determined to give up our present occupations and take to another. The report of the Auditor upon the County Council balance-sheet, dated over two months ago, and the immunity since enjoyed by the late Trecasurer have encouraged us to do this. We see there that the laws against embezzlement are no longer enforced, and, in fact, that a man gets respected by his employers in exact proportion to his crimes. This.will .be our trade advertisement : “ Messrs ALI BABA (descendant of .the celebrity of that name) and ALLADIN (late of the wonderful lamp) feel that, in commencing business, they are supplying a want that has long been felt in Patea. We shall undertake to advise persons desiring to embezzle their employer’s moneys, upon the best means of accomplishsng that now laudable object. We shall undertake at the shortest notice and at the lowest rates, forgeries, larcenies, robberies, personation at elections, obtaining goods by false pretences, and villainy in general. The charges for embezzlement, forgeries, and larcenies are very much reduced in consequence of the comparative immunity for those crimes. The price is governed by the risk. Our maxim shall be small profits and quick returns. The law being so very tender to the crimes above alluded.to, it is but fair, to expect that the same leniency will be extended to assassination, poisoning, murder, arson, malicious injury to property, and such like. At great expenses we have therefore made arrangements for the services of several Indian “ Thugs,” who are so justly celebrated as neat and infallible murderers, and also of other gentlemen of approved skill in their respective specialties. There is some risk attached‘to this part of the undertaking, bat in the present age the law appears to be lenient to crimes if. it is coupled with enterprise and.is done deliberately and well. It is to the vulgar criminal who commits crime from wiant, hunger, and violent uncontrollable passions only that the law is severe now-a-days. We have also made arrangements for securing the services of some professional slanderers who will twist the most innocent actions so as to make them look improper, and will at the shortest notice thoroughly blacken the character of any persons desired so that their friends won’t know them and their enemies can crush them. These gentlemen will also write threatening letters in the most finished style and calculated to terrify the most courageous. We have some hesitation in introducing these two last specialties, inasmuch as, wo understand this .kind of villainy has been carried on with impunity and great success and ability in Patea for many years past. However, we think our business would bo incomplete without this branch : “ We shall also put all fraudulent bankrupts comfortably and safely through the Court, also at reduced rates. All expenses in the shape of paying creditors 20s in the £ on their debts, in order to secure majorities at creditor’s meetings must be refunded to us as expenses out of pocket. If the debtor thinks this too expensive, then for a small extra fee we will provide regular provers of false debts .to secure the necessary majority lo cheat the real creditors—also many other dodges, swindles,. and perjuries, for additional fees.” The advertisement will then conclude with a scale ot charges for the different crimes. I tell you sir, that with the existing demand for our services, there’s millions in it as the Yankees say. Alladin.