Wit and Humour.

Patea Mail, 2 June 1882, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Miss Pobtune has always been single, and yet she never comes singly. The billiard-player is not an imitator. He takes the cue from no man. He takes it from the rack.

Contentment is the best family medicine, but you won’t find its trade-mark stamped on a bottle. Many men who claim that the world owes them a living, appear to have very poor success collecting the debt. A boot and shoe shop hangs out the sign —“ Cast-iron lasts.” We know it does, bub we don’t want any boots made of it. Josh Billings says he never had a man cum to him for advice, but before he got through he had more advice to offer than to ask for.

“Why do you hide, Johnny?” said one boy to another. “ I hide to save my hide,” replied the other, as he hied away to a secure spot.

If a cheerful heart is a continual feast there must be a large number of people who do not get a square meal once a year.— Rome Sentinel.

“ Ananias, Jne.” —How can you learn to be a first-class liar ? Get engaged to two girls, and the faculty will sort o’ come to you. —New Orleans Times. “A. M. It.” asks tnis conundrum—“ Why do the French eat less than any other nation ?”—Because one egg is always un ceuf for them. —Boston Transcript. “ America,” says an Englishman, “is a country where a man’s statement is not worth two cents nnless backed up with an offer to bet you ten dollars.” Hit us that time.

These is a woman in Cincinnati whose real name is Clara Yere de Vere. And she wears a glass eye and a peg-leg, and has hair and freckles. That’s what there,is in a name.

“ O, yes,” said old Uncle Peebles, who was describing a comedy he had seen the night before, “ 0, yes, it was funny enough to make a donkey laugh, /laughed till I cried.”

When Adam was in his bachelorhood he found his nights lonely, and always welcomed the morn with gladness. Still, for all that, he was happier when Eve came.— Somerville Journal. A friend once called Dickens’ attention to an ill-shaped but skilful sculptor’s awkwardness in society; whereupon the great humourist remarked “Nevertheless, he always cuts a pretty figure.” A Miller in Peru, Ind., fell asleep in his mill, and bent forward till his hair got in some machinery, and was yanked out; and, of course, it awakened him, and his first bewildered exclamation was —“ Durn it, wife, what’s the matter now ?”—Boston Post.

An Irish coroner’s jury returned a verdict that deceased came to his death from exposure.. “What do you mean by that?” asked a relative of the dead man. “There are two bullet-holes in his skull.” “ Just so,” replied the coroner; “he died from exposure to bullets.” A Mean Man. —The KeoJcuk Gate City has unearthed the meanest man on record, and locates him at Burlington, lowa. ' The story, as the paper mentioned tells it, is that while a deaf, dumb, and blind organist was sleeping on the Post-office corner the wretch stole his instrument and substituted a new-fangled churn therefor, and when the organist awoke he seized the handles of the churn and ground away for dear life ; and when the “shades of night were falling fast ” that meanest man in the world came around, took his churn, restored the organ to its owner, and carried home 41b of creamery butter.