Wit and Humour.

Patea Mail, 10 February 1882, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“Lovely watered silk this is,” said a lady as she came in dripping wet from church op. Sunday, A great many men are like rocking-horses —they are always on the go, but they never get ahead. A new song is entitled “Between the Green Corn and the Gold,” It should be sung in a husky voice. A philosopher says :—“ You want in marriage precisely the same quality that you would in eating sausages—absolute confidence.” What is the difference between a fool and a looking-glass ?—The one speaks without reflecting, and the other reflects without speaking. A man, boasting of the smartness of his children, said the youngest was so smart it would take its hand off a hot stove twice without being told. “ Does the floor you have been scouring look nice, Bridget ? ” “ Indade an’ it does, marm—just as nice as if I hadn’t a touched it—l didn’t hurt it at all, at ail.” “ Would you know this boy to be my son from his resemblance to me ? ” asked a gentleman. Mr Curran replied, “ Yes, sir; the maker’s name is stamped upon the blade.” A modern physiologist notes the extraordinary fact, that at the dinner table every time a man crooks his elbow his mouth opens. Can anyone explain this phenomenon ? Jenks’s parents have sent him money every month to keep his landlord from evicting him. Jenks, in writing back his gratitude, always begins, “ My Dear Payrents.” A man who didn’t care three shakes of a lamb’s tail for the newspapers rode 14 miles through a fierce snow-storm to get a copy of a weekly that spoke of him. as a prominent citizen. A pedagogue threatened to punish a pupil who had called him a fool behind his back: “ Don’t, don’t! ” begged the boy. “I won’t do so again sir, never. I never will speak what I think again in my life ! ” A member of the Connecticut Assembly moved for leave to bring in a bill for extending the powers of justices. Another requested, as a previous motion, that a statute might be passed to extend their capacities. A millionaire, who was looking at a level track of land which he had just bought at an extravagant price, said to the agent who had sold it to him—“ I do admire a rich green flat.” “So do I,” significantly replied the agent. The following letter was received by an undertaker from an afflicted widower : My waif is ded, and wants to be beried tomorrow at Woner klock. U nose wair to dig the Hole—by the side of my other two waifs—let it be deep.” “ Doctor,” said a gentleman to an aged clergyman, “ why does a little fault in a good man attract more notice than a great fault in a bad man ? ” “ For the same reason, perhaps,” answered the reverend doctor, “ that a slight stain on a white garment is more readily noticed than a larger stain on a colored one.”

Four years ago a young man, without a cent on his back, and only one suit of clothes to his name, entered Denver and begged his supper. Last week he eloped with his employer’s wife and ten thousand of his cash. Close applieation to business, coupled with pluck and industry, wins every time. A pretty girl told her beau that she was a mind-reader. “ You don’t say so! ” he exclaimed. *• Yes,” said she j “ you have it in mind to ask me to be your wife, but you are just a little scared at the idea.” Their wedding-cards are out. On one occasion a colored parson thus began his discourse, after having chosen a sample text: —“ Well, to-day, my brothers and sisters, I’m goin’ to preach a little different from common. I’ve been a-preachin’ big theological sarmints for some time, but to-day I’m goin’ to preach jes a comrao’’ plain sarmint —one that the wimming anST niggers can understan’.” A Cincinnati man strangely disappeared. The shrewdest detectives were put on his track, and at the end of nine weeks they seemed to be no nearer than when they started. Then a close observer of human nature got the Mayor to appoint the missing man to a position in the city government. Two hours later the appointee, all out of breath, dashed into the Mayor’s office to be sworn in.— Harper's Weekly.

A village doctor went out to visit a patient in a neighbouring hamlet, and took with him his gun, that he might wing any game he encountered on crossing the fields. A farmer meeting him on the way asked whither he was going. “To see a patient,” was the answer. “ What, then,” said the farmer, "do you really fear to miss him in the ordinary way, that you have your gun with you to make sure of him P” Beau Nash, the King of Bath was noted for never mentioning his father. Dr. Cheyne used to declare that he never had one. The Duchess of Marlborough one day said he was like Gil Bias, who was ashamed of his father. “ No, your Grace,” he replied ; “ I never mention my father in this company, not because I have any reason to be ash lined of him, but because he might have soma reason to be ashamed of me.” And he bowed all round.

A tramp entered a house one morning to beg something to eat, and being refused, he turned and fell, or pretended to fall, over a stool which stood in his way. “ This is a guid eneuch house,” said he “ tae break ane’s legs, but a deevilish bad aae to break ane’s fast.” On again being refused a meal after a hard day’s cadging, he politely asked for the loan of a hammer, “for,” said he, “ I jist want tae ding oot my teeth, as I’m thinkin’ I’ve nae mair use for them.” Mrs Jones was a woman of kind heart, but exceedingly poor judgment. One evening at a party, after her daughter had been singing, she asked another young lady to favor her with a song. This the young lady did, and when she had finished, Mrs J. said, “ Ah, you have a soprano voice ; my Mary sings contralto. I do like contralto so much more than soprano, don’t you ? ” The young lady didn’t know just what to say, and the conversation was interrupted in time to save her .—Steubenville Sqrald,