A PRINTER'S DREAM.

Patea Mail, Volume III, Issue 296, 16 February 1878, Page 4

A PRINTER'S DREAM.

A printer sat in his office chair, his boots were patched and Iris coat threadbare ; and Lis face looked weary and worn with care. While sadly thinking of Ids business dept, old Morpheus slowly round him crept, and before he knew it be soundly slept: and sleeping, be dreamed that lie was dead ; from trouble and toil bis spirit bad fled, and not. even a cow-bell tolled for the peace of his own cow-hide sole. As he wandered among the shades, that smoke and scorch in lower Hades, he observed an iron door that creaking swung on hinges ajar, but the entrance was closed with a red hot bar, and Satan himself stood peeping out, and watching for travellers thereabout, and thus to the passing printer spoke :—“ Come in, my dear, it shall cost you nothing and never fear; this is the place I cook the ones who never pay their subscription sums ; for though in life they may escape, they will find when they’re dead it is too late ; I will show you the place where I melt them thin with red hot chains and scraps of tin, and also where I comb their heads with brooken glass and molted lead, and if of refreshments they only think, there’s boiling water for them to drink ; there’s the read hot grindstone to grind down his nose, and red hot rings to wear on his toes, and if they mention they don’t like fire, I’ll sew up their mouths with read hot wire; and then, dear sir, you should see them squirm, while I roll them over and cook to a turn.” With these last words the printer awoke, and thought it all a practical joke, but still at times so real did it seem, that he cannot believe it was all a dream ; and often he thinks with a chuckle and grin, of the fate of those who save their tin, and never pay the printer.

GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. “ The cause of education be banged !” bo muttered, as be sat down on tbe kerbstone on Shelby-street. He was a lad of thirteen. He spat through bis front teeth and spat often. His pants were supported by a piece of wire clothes line girted round his waist, bis bat was ancient and greasy, and bis big flat feet seemed to be waiting for a thunder shower to wash them clean. “ That’s what ails me !” he went on, as he pushed his toes into the wet sand. “1 don’t believe in a feller dipping in and learning all there is to learn, and not letting other folks have a chance. There’s lots of other folks in the world beside mo, and I ain’t going to be a hog and try all there is to learn.” After a minute he went on: “Don’t I know ’nuff now? Three times two are six, four times five are twenty, and four and four are eight. That’s as correct as I could get ’em if I went to school for a hundred years. And don’t I know bow to spell ? C —a —t is ‘ cat ’ the world over, and I’ll bet on it every time. ll—e—n spells ‘ ben,’ and 1 know it as well as if I weighed a ton.”

He rose up to throw a stone at a dog across the street, and after resuming his seat he went on :

“ Jogcrfy kinder wrestles down, but I don’t go much on jogerfy. What do I care whether an island is entirely surrounded by water, or whether there ain’t any water within ten miles of it ? S’pose I am going to bay and sell islands for a living ? I don’t care which is the highest mountain or the longest river, I don’t? Tara going to keep a feed store, and when I’m rolling bales o’ bay around what will I care about mountains and rivers ? I’ve beard the boys go on about exports and imports and straits, ard seas, capes, but what’s them to me ? If a feller wants a bag of oats, is he going to w'ait and ask me when the Island of Madagascar was discovered ? Ho carefully examined the big toe of Lis left foot and the heel of right foot and gloomily observed : “ The old folks arc making ready to push mo into school, and I’ve got to make ready to keep out. I can’t take to school somehow, I could sit here and study all day, but the minute I get into a school-house I’m nervous. Something is going to happen to me this week. I’ll be taken homo in a wheelbarrow with a big gash in tins heel, or this toe almost cut off. That will mean four mon tils on a. crutch, they don’t allow lame boys to go to school and crutch up and down the asles. Or, s’posin’ I go home with palpitation of the heart ? The old lady has had it, and I wont more than get into the house before she’ll have me tucked up on the lounge, the camphor bottle down, currant jelly and sponge cake in the distance, and she’ll call out to the old gent: “ Father, it’s n© use of thinking of sending this boy to school. He looks stout and healthy, but he’s a mere shudder. The close atmosphere of the school-room will kill him before the snow flics.”

The boy rose up. There was a grin all over liis face, and ho chuckled : “ Palpitation is the keynote ! A sore toe can be seen ; a palpitating heart is bidden away under bide, and fate and ribs. Now then—oosh. woosh, u-m-m----m—-hold your breath, roll your eyes, kick out your left log, raid make her bob around like a fly on a hot stove cover.”

Some people laugh when thoy’ro marl. The Monarch of Persia for instance, smiles whenever lie wishes to evince his Shah-grin. It is true that figures won’t lie ; but the Detroit News thinks the figures of some women are very deceptive, to say the least.