THE COLONEL'S HAT.

Patea Mail, Volume II, Issue 130, 8 July 1876, Page 2

THE COLONEL'S HAT.

.MAX ADELEII, IN' “ NEW YORK. WEEKLY.’* Colonel Bangs is very bald, and in order to induced his hair to grow again he is using a very excellent article of “Hair Vigour” Upon his scalp. A week or two ago he was summoned as a juryman upon a case in the Circuit Court, and upon the day of the trial, just before the hour at which the Court* met, lie remembered that he had not applied the vigor to his head that morning. He had only a few minutes to spare, but he flew up-stairs and into the dark closet where he kept the. bottle, and pouring some fluid upon a sponge he rubbed bis head energetically. By some mishap the Colonel got hold of the wrong bottle, and the substance with which he inundated his scalp was not rigor, but the black varnish with which Mrs Bangs decorated her shoes. However, Bangs didn’t perceive the mistake, but darted down stairs, put on his hat, and walked off to the court-house. It was a very cold morning, and by the time the Colonel reached his destination, the varnish was as stiff as a stone. He felt a little uncomfortable about the head, and ho endeavoured to remove his hat to discover the cause of this difficulty but to his dismay it was immovable. It syas glued fast to the skin, and in his efforts to take it off, gave him frightful pain. Just then he heard his name called by the crier, and he had to go into the court to answer. He was wild with apprehension of coming trouble ; but he took his seat in the jury-box, and determined to explain the situation to the court at. the earliest possible moment. As be sat with a guilty feeling in bis soul it seemed to him that his high hat kept getting bigger and bigger until it appeared to him to be as largo as a medium size shot tower. Then he was couscion s that the lawyers were staring at him. Then the Clerk looked hard at him and screamed :—“ Hats off in court!” and the Colonel grew crimson in the face. “ Hats off!” yelled the clerk again, and the Colonel was about to reply when the judge came in, and, as his eye rested on Bangs, he said : v “ Persons in the court room must remove their hats.” • “ Bangs —“ May it please your honor , I kept my hat on because— Judge—“ Well, sir. yon must take it > off now.”. Bangs—“ But I keep it on because > I Jmlgc—“ We don’t allow any arguments upon the subject, sir. Take your bat off instantly !” .Bangs —“ But you won’t let. mo—-.Judge—-“•Remove -that hat this moment sir ! Are you going to bandy words with me, sir 1 Uncover your head at once.” Bangs—“ Judge, if you only give me tile chance to— Judge—“ This is intolerable ! Do you mean to insult the court, sir? Do you mean to profane this sacred temple of justice with untimely levity ? Take yoiir hat off, sir, or 1 will fine you for contempt. Do you hear me ? Bangs—“ Well, it’s very hard that I, can’t say a word by way of ex— Judge (warmly) —“ Tins is too mneb. Perhaps you'd like to come up on the bench here, and run the.' court, and sentence a few convicts ! You’ve got more audacity than a mule. Mr Clerk, fine, that man 50 dollars ! Now, sir, remove your hat.” Bangs—“ Judge, this is rough on me; I— " j Judge (in a furious rage)—“ Won’t do it yet ? Why yon impudent fellow ! lhave a notion to- Mr Clerk fine him IUO dollars more, ami,Mr Jones, you go and take that hat off by force.” V Then the tipstaff approached Bangs; 1 , who was by this time half-crazy with wrath, and hit the hat with his-stick. It didn’t move. Then he struck it again, and caved in the crown; but still it remained on Bangs’ head. Then he picked up a volume of “ Brown on Evidence,” and smashed the crown in flat. Then Bangs sprang at him and shaking his fist under the nose of Mr Brown he shrieked — “ You mutton-headed scullion! If that Jackass on the bench had any sense, he could see that the hat is glued fast, I can’t take it off if I wanted to.” The judge removed the fines, and excused him, and Bangs went home. He slept in that hat for a week, and even when it came off, the top of his head looked as black as if mortification had set in.