Editor's Walles. TRUE TALE.

Otago Witness, Issue 4033, 30 June 1931, Page 75

Editor's Walles.

TRUE TALE.

A motorist was hailed before the court and fined by the local magistrate, whom we shall call Mr Brown, for having his rear light extinguished. After paying the fine the “ accused ” went to a garage near the court to have his car tank filled. While this was being done he noticed a car standing inside the garage which had half the rear number plate torn off. “ You’d better warn the owner of that car,” he said to the garage man, “to have his plate repaired. They’re pretty hot on these offences in this town.’’ “ Oh,” said the garage hand, “ that car belongs to Mr Brown, the magistrate.” OR GIVE FIVE MINUTES’ NOTICE. An employer who believed in supporting all effort to introduce a new spirit into industry had called his men together to place before them his plans for bettering working conditions. “ Now, whenever I enter the workshop,” he said, “ I want to see every man cheerfully performing his task, and therefore I invite you to place in this box any sugj gestions as to how that can be brought about.” . A few days later he opened the box and took out a slip of paper on which was written : “ Take the rubber heels off your shoes.” A DISASTER. A Lisbon newspaper gives an account •of an accident to a girl who was knocked down by a tramear. Then the reporter :goes into raptures to the following effect:— “.When a policeman came up to make the usual notes it was found that it was the girl’s birthday, likewise the policeman’s birthday. The driver and conductor of the tramcar then produced their identity cards, showing it was also their birthday, and finally it was also the birthday of the newspaper man responsible for the report of the occurrence.” What happened to the poor girl while the persons concerned were wishing each other “ many happy returns ” ? The paragraph is headed “A Disaster.” HIS CHANCE. The big, severe-looking woman was in a large store, with her husband standing — meekly by. "Now, John,” said she, “we want a nice lampshade for the drawing room. I’ll ask the assistant to bring some.” And she did. “ Now’, there’s a nice one,” she w’ent on. Only two guineas—don’t you think that’s a lovely shade ? ” John hesitated. “ Er—yes, my dear ! ” stammered he. “ It’s a shade—too dear ! ” LOST AND WON. Two Irish farmers, keen rivals, entered their horses in a steeplechase. One of them engaged a crack jockey to ride. The two horses were leading at the last fence, when both fell, unseating their riders. The expert jockey rapidly remounted, and won the race. On returning to the paddock he found the farmer fuming wtih rage. “ Why, what’s -up ? ” he asked. “ I won. didn’t I ? ” “ Yes ! ” roared the farmer. “ You won all right, you idiot, but on the wrong horse ! ”

OUT OF FASHION. Doctor : “Well, how do you feel this morning ? ” Patient : “ Not quite so bad, doctor, but my breath keeps coming in little short pants.” Doctor : “ Well, what do you expect it to come in—plus-flours ? ” OUT. Shaw : “ How’s business with you, old man ? ” Pshaw : “ Oh, lookin’ up.” Shaw : “ What do you mean —lookin’ up ? ” Pshaw : “Well, it’s flat on its back, isn’t it ? ” A TIP. The vicar tackled one of his parishioners who w’as known to do a quiet little bit of “ punting.” “John,” he rebuked, “while looking over the hymn books the other day I found a pencilled sentence in one of them, ‘ Lycidas, a shilling to win.’ Did you write that ? ” “ I believe I did, pawson.” “ Well, kindly never do such a disgusting thing again.” “Ah, sir,” said the punter apologetically, “ I’m sorry if I misled yer.” WHY BLAME HIM? First Old Maid (reading from newspaper) : “It says, ’ Blazing ship. Captain’s rush to port.” Second Old Maid : “ Just what I thought. There is far too much of this flying to intoxicating drinks in time of danger.” TRUE STORY. The secretary of a golf club was playing a round one sunny morning, and, happening to get into some deep rough, he was astonished to see a tramp lying basking in the sun. The secretary “ went for ” the man, and wound up by ordering him off the links.

“ Excuse me, boss,” said the tramp curiously. “ but ’oo might you be ? ”

“ I’m the secretar.y of this club.” “Well, well,” said the tramp with a reproachful shake of his head, “ this ain’t the way to git new members, y’know.”

WHO KICKED? A keen bridge player, while in the midst of a “rubber” on an Atlantic crossing, arrived at the conclusion that his opponents were acting in some sort of collusion. He hated to make any dramatic fuss or protest, but jje thought he must register disapproval in some form, so, hailing a passing waiter, he said: "Waiter, bring me a pair of shin-guards, will you ? ” . AWKWARD. The bus was starting in the midst of a torrent of rain, when the conductor put his head inside and inquired : “ Will uuv gentleman get outside and oblige a lady ? " “ She can come inside and sit on my knee, if she likes,” said a passenger, jocularly, and, to his great surprise, in bounced a buxom woman, who forthwith appropriated the offered knee. After a time the man got into conversation with his burden, and asked her where she was going. On hearing her destination, he exclaimed, " Bless me, that’s my house ! ” " Yes, sir,” replied the woman, blushing; "I’m the new cook I ” A ROUNDABOUT ROUTE. Jones started out on an Easter walking tour. After a while, however, he became tired and stopped a passing motorist for a lift! It was not long before Jones was engaging him in a long conversation. "' The world is round, isn’t it ? ” he mentioned. ' " Yes, there are people who believe it,” replied the motorist amiably. Then if I wanted to go east I could get there by going west ?r” persisted the passenger. The motorist looked hard at his companion. “ Look here.” he said, “ what are you—a taxi driver ? ” FORGOT TO LEAP. Brown met Smith emerging from the hospital a few days after Easter. Smith had his arm in a sling and his face was covered in plaster. “ Gracious me I ” said Brown. “ Whatever has happened ?” "Careless driving,” groaned Smith. “ I’m sorry to hear that,” replied Brown .sympathetically. “ But I didn’t know you had a car.” “I haven’t; but others have,” the injured one informed him. “NO PARTING HERE.” 'The barber had just cut the youngster’s hair, and was engaged in the final stage of brushing it. He was finding it rather difficult to get a parting, however. "'Where do you usually part it?” he asked. “In t’ back kitchen. Wcer dost tha think ? ”

POOR FATHER. Jimmy (coming into father’s office): “ Dad, mother says you are to send your sandwiches back.” Father: "I can’t—-I’ve eaten them.” Jimmy : “ Mother made a mistake in the tins, and now wc shall have to clean the brown boots with sardine paste.” SO SLOW. An American was giving some illustrations of the size of his country. "You can board a train in the State of Kentucky at dawn,” he said impressively, "and twenty-four hours later you’ll still be in Kentucky State.’’ " Yes.” said one of his English auditors feelingly, “ we’ve got trains like that here too.” HOW HE KNEW. Nervous Suitor (to little _ brother) : "I’ve come to see your sister.” Little Brother: “She’s been expecting you. Nervous Suitor (beaming and smiling): "Ah ! that’s good. Here’s a shilling for you. How do you know, my little man, she’s been expecting me ? ” Little Brother : “She’s gone out ! ” SOLVED. Lawyers are sometimes mighty particular. The other day one of these learned and amiable gentlemen was waited upon by a young man, who began by saying : “ My father died and made a will ” “Is it possible ? I never heard of such a thing,” answered the lawyer. “I thought it happened every day,” said the young man; “ but if there is to be any difficulty about it. I had better give you a fee to attend to the busiiicss.” The fee was given, and then the lawyer observed : “ Oh, think I know what you mean. You mean that your father made a will and died. Yes, yes; that must be it.” GRACIOUS COOK. “ How do you like your new cook ? ” “ She’s been very nice to us—she let ua come into the kitchen the other evening.” THE NEXT DOSE. An Irish quack doctor was being examined at an inquest on his patient. “I gave him ipecacuanha,” said the quack. “You might just as well have given him the aurora borealis,” observed the coroner.

“ Indade, yer honor, an’ that’s just what Oi’d have given him next if he hadn’t unfortunately died.”

HER WEAKNESS. Husband : “ What ? You want some more money ! Why, I gave you five pounds yesterday ! ” Wife : “ Yes, dear; but I bought a new hat with it.” Husband : “ Good heavens ! Does money always go to your head like that ? ” UNEXPECTED. He blushed a fiery red; Her heart went pit-a-pat; She gently hung her head And look’d down at the mat; He trembled in his speech; He rose from where he sat, And- shouted with a screech, “ Y T ou’re sitting on my hat ! ” TRAMP, TRAMP, TRAMP! He : “Ah, it certainly does seem good to be dancing.” She : “ Yes, I suppose there’s nothing like the feel of a good toe under your foot again.” DISCOVERED. “ Poor woman ! She’s probably been working hard all day. I mustn’t disturb her,” murmured Jones, as he crept upstairs at 3 a.m. on all fours, e was just going into the bedroom when Mrs Jones turned over. " George ! ” she whispered. George dived under the bed. " George ! ” persisted Mrs Jones, in sterner tones, " you may as well come out. for I know you are there.” There was no help for it. George crept out, rubbing his eyes. " Bless my heart. Maria,” he said, “ I was dreaming I was out motoring ! ” UNLUCKY FOR FATHER. " Father,” said Jimmy, running into the drawing rooin, "there's a big, black eat in the dining room.” ’’ Never mind. Jimmy,” said his father, drowsily, “ black cats are lucky.” Yes.” was the reply. - This one is; he s had your dinner!” INNOCENCE. He wore plus-fours and carried a large assortment of golf clubs. "Yes,” he said to the girl in the train, " I have had an awful day. Rained all the morning, and the greens at lunch time were in a shocking state.” " Really ? ” said the girl, “ and couldn't you eat them ? ” A MODERN CANUTE. A lady undertook her first sea cruise in company with her husband. In the Bay of Biscay a somewhat threatening storm arose. When this had been in progress for some time the lady, with perfect sincerity, said to her husband : "Albert, don’t you think you ought to go and tell the captain that the waves are coming over the deck ? ” HOW TO DO IT. “ Spare a copper, sir ? ” The tradesman believed no man required to beg. ” Why, a strong fellow like‘you he said. “Can’t you do something—sell something for a living? See here”—and he drew from his vest pocket two lead pencils—“sell these. Anybody will give you a penny each for them.” " D’ye think so. boss ? ” “ Certainly they will,” said the tradesman testily. " I don’t think they would, sir,” said he of the hard, rough road. “Now, I put it to you, would you gimme tuppence for them ? ” “ Decidedly,” said the other. " Well, give it then ! ” was the instant response. “ Come, boss, you can’t go back on vour word to a poor man.” The tradesman simply pulped, and it was almost five minutes ere he recovered sufficiently to hand over the earned twopence.

FATHER OF WILLIE. On one very rare occasion an enthusiastic golfer arrived home for dinner. During the meal his wife said. “Willie tells me that he caddied for you all the afternoon.” “Well, do you know,” said Willie’s father. “'I thought I’d seen that boy before.” WHEN THE SPARKS FLEW. At a singing competition held in the village hall the local baritone sang “The Village. Blacksmith.” and was confident of being placed first. On the result being declared he was disappointed to find he was only second, and asked for an explanation. "Well,” said the adjudicator, “you made a very bad blunder. Instead of singing ‘ Each morning sees some task begun, each evening sees its close,’ you sang ‘ Each evening sees some task begun, each morning sees its close.’ ” “That was richt enough. Dae ye no’ ken the blacksmith was on the nicht shift ? ” -• CAUGHT. Brown was busy in his garden when his neighbour looked over the fence. “ Hullo. Brown ! Are you using your step-ladder this afternoon ? ” he asked. Brown was annoyed. “ Yes, I’m afraid I am,” he called back. “ Splendid ! ” said his neighbour. “ Then you won’t mind lending me • your lawn mower ! ” 'levelling. In a certain club smokeropm the usual tales 'ye’re being told, when one of the narrators propounded the theory that while stories most emanated from the Stock Exchange in the old days, nowadays they found their origin very largely in the motor trade. A member of that trade who was present said he feared there was some truth in the statement.

“ For instance,” he said, “ I’ve heard about a motor salesman who married a charwoman, and all the neighbours said that within less than six months he had dragged her almost down to his level.”

BUILDERS. We pre building every day, Some with stone and some with clay, Some with marble, costly, rare, Some mere castles in the air; But, whate’er we do or say, We are building every day. See ! the fabric rises slow, This for peace and that for woe, This for palace richly dight, That for darkness, this for light; When we work and when we play, Lo ! we’re building every day. Stone or stubble, gold or dross, Build we must for gain or loss— Build a mansion, build a byre, Storeyed shrine and carven choir; But each day that passes by Builds a temple or a sty ! —A. B. C., in Tit Bits. SAME PRICE. A Scottish minister had a sermon which he preached on special occasions. It was taken from the text. “Were not two sparrows sold for a farthing?” John Sobley, who had been a devoted lie a?t\X I ’ 1 ke ? leavin “ tllc place, so his"departure 11111 ° n the Sunda y before ms aepartuie, and once again heard the familiar sermon and text. “Were not two sparrows sold for a farthing?” -After a time John returna/i dav Ve a^i aCe - H ° Weut t 0 chur «h i ' ’ was not a little surprised to the\s'S“th* l ‘f-V "mwtiMed. After hS EYfiT th “ jSe.t'S Jl£. - And what is that ? ” I he price of sparrows.” incredible. Fatlmr tei «V S ° f ’° U doirt like Jim ’• ” nothing/”’ :he a PP eai ’s capable of you ? A ” e!1 ’ What ° bjection havc He Qh' b i e>S - worse than Jim ! thing ! ” Uie aS be,DS Capable of an >- NO COMPETITION WANTED. leacher (much exasperated by one *■.« teacher Pupil : "No. sir, I’m not.” . leacher ; “ Then why do you keep talking hke a numbskull ? ” HER MISTAKE. Old Lady (in art dealer’s): “And I suppose this i s another of those horrible futuristic paintings you call art ? ” Dealer: " Excuse me, madam, but that is a mirror . YEARS AGO. A detachment of soldiers were in camp lor the Easter holidays. After breakfast one dav one of the men complained to the orderly officer about the bread issue. “ What’s the matter with the bread ? ” asked the officer. "' Too hard,” replied the man. „ ,'L ln y man,” said the officer sternly, if Napoleon had had that bread when crossing the Alps he’d have eaten it with delight.” “No doubt, sir,” said the soldier. “It was fresh then.” QUICK WORK. Mr George Oke. the well-known golf professional, tells a story of a recent engagement at one of the large London stores. His job was to give hints to any shoppers who appeared to be interested, and one day, being disengaged for a few moments, he approached two ladies who were standing nearby and said to one of them. “Do you want to learn to playgolf. madam ? ” ’ Oh, no," she said, “ it’s my friend who wants to learn. I learned yesterday.” TR-R-OUBLE. A certain doctor always stutters when under the stress of excitement. Not long ago he had occasion to officiate at an important event. The husband and prospective father—who. by the way, had set his heart on a son and heir—was pacing the room when his doctor entered. “Well, doctor.” he cried, forcing a smile. “is it twins ? ” T 1 ’; 11 ’-!!’ ——” began the doctor. " Triplets Great Cmsar ! ” “ Qu-qu-qu ’’ stammered the doctor. " Quadruplets ! Holy smoke ! ” " No. no,” cried the doctor. “ Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try and ta-take it ph-philosophically. It’s a girl.” HONEST TOIL! " I think I’ll do some digging—yes, I’ll dig my garden bed ! ” " Spring’s no time to dig, young’sir,” the gruff old gardener said. “All sorts of things are coming up. You see those little shoots ? If you went digging now you would disturb them at the roots.” “ But oh, I feel like digging—there’s nothelse will do. There’s nothing else will cheer me up when I am feeling blue Like labouring in the sunshine. All cares are lost in toil .Among the weeds and stones and worms and good clean smell of soil ! ” • —An exchange. OMINOUS.

The teacher was trying to explain to the' class the significance of white. He asked : “ Why do you think a bride always wears white on her wedding day ? ” No one answered. Teacher : “ It is because white betokens happiness,' and a woman’s wedding day is the happiest day of her life.” Small Boy: “But why does the man always dress in black ? ”

RECOGNITION. A youngster fresh from school had started work on a job in the city. At the end of his first week his father inquired : “Well, how are you getting along m the office ? ” “Absolutely first rate,” replied the young man enthusiastically. “ To-day the boss looked at me and said, ‘Hello, do you work here ? ’ ” DISGUSTED. “ What yo’ got in yo’ mouf ? ” asked one coloured boy of another as they started off with their fishing rods. “ Fishin’ worms,” he replied. ‘‘ Puttin’ worms in you mouf ! Don’t J o know better’ll dat ? Why don’t yo’ put ’em in yo’ pocket ? ” “ Put ’em wid mah lunch in mah pocket? Ah should say not ! ” NOT WHAT SHE MEANT. A woman had been inoculated against typhoid preparatorj- to going abroad. Being disinclined to see anybody for a time, she remained in bed. It happened that an intimate friend arrived, and a small daughter was sent downstairs to explain. “Mummy’s in bed,” she said. “In bed ?'” ■ “Yes. She was intoxicated yesterday, and has a bad headache.” TRAPPED. A man who had started out with his wife to the pictures remembered suddenly that he had left his coalshed unlocked. He risked his luck, went back, turned the key in the door, and put it in his pocket. On returning three hours later he found a neighbour in a state of great indignation. “ What’s the matter ? ” he asked innocently. . “ What’s the matter ? ” was the reply. c ’ Do you know you’ve locked my wife in your coalshed ? ” THE LIGHT OF LONG AGO. Always, when we went out We left a light burning. Above the little house The round stars were yearning, As we lit the tall lamp Against our returning. Now it is not the stars, Or gold suns arising, Or beauties of the night Our tired eyes surprising, That fall upon our hearts Like hands sympathising; But the light of an old lamb AVe’re cherishing ever. Its memory is clear, And vanishing never; Though she who turned it low Has left us for ever. — Campbell, in Women’s Weekly. TRUE JEW. Driving in the East End, a motorist knocked down a young Jew. He jumped out of the car and rendered first aid, but the victim was not so much damaged as frightened. “ It’s all right, old chap,” said the motorist. “ you won’t die. You’re going to recover.” “Am I ? ” said the youngster quickly. “ ’Ow much, mister ? ” HIS TURN. The film star had just finished a threehour monologue on his career, his love affairs, his hopes, his ideals, his philosophy, his clothes, his children, is art, and his opinions on religion, Shakespeare, Einstein, and the modern girl. “And now,’’ he said to the patient listener, "’ I want you to tell me something about yourself. What did you think of my last picture ? ” ‘ GREY MOUSE. Little Mistress Grey Mouse comes a-creepy-ereep When the chairs and tables have all gone to sleep; Mousily, mousily, this is how she goes. Looking for some cake-crumbs, as everybody knows ! Little Madam Puss Cat comes on velvet paws, Up the kitchen passages, round the kitchen floors; Pussily, pussily, this is how she goes. Looking for a grey mouse, as everybody knows ! Pussily. mousily, Puss turns her back, Grey Mouse slips away again down a little crack— Laughs at Madam Puss Cat for about a week. But, oh, little Grey Mouse, what a narrow squeak ! —-Florence Hoatson, in an exchange. REVELATION. It is a well-established convention among Chancellors of the British Exchequer to sustain the rigours of the Budget speech with a little “ something ” in a glass, though that something is nowadays not very potent. On a celebrated occasion, when- Mr Goschen was making his speech, he took sips of port from a glass which a colleague had artfully concealed behind some volumes. But the subterfuge was discovered in an amusing way, for as the Chancellor was making a dramatic gesture to punctuate a point he swept aside the books and the refreshment. ANYWHERE, RETURN. The Juggins family lined up behind their father .in the booking office queue at a Lancashire railway station. They were off to spend the bank holiday at the seaside. Presently Mr Juggins found himself opposite the ticket grille. “ Sithee, lad, give us four returns,” he asked the booking clerk. “Where- to?” asked the harassed railway servant. Mr Juggins shook his head hopelessly. “ Eh, but tha’s gormless,” he returned. I “ To here, of course.”