Editor's Walles

Otago Witness, Issue 4032, 23 June 1931, Page 75

Editor's Walles

NOT QUITE UNFIT. The young man wrenched open the door of the railway carriage, tumbled inside. and collapsed on the seat, gasping for breath as the train slid towards the end of the platform. I'he rather obvious retired "colonel in the opposite corner grunted. “ When J was your age. my lad." lie dis- , approved. " I could sprint down a platform and catch a train without turning a hair. - ’ “ But I—missed this—at the—last station." panted the young man. HUMBLE, BUT USEFUL. The late Sir Laming AA’ortliinglonEvans enjoyed telling stories of electioneering days. " I remember at an election in the 'eighties,'’ he would recall. " 1 went out with some posters and a paint brush, and t put these posters over my opponent's. We used to call that * fly posting.’ When I saw that the police were getting their eye on me I went over some palings. That is humble but useful work at an election time." From IT. ('. Hunt's " Fun with the Famous." THESE HARD TIMES. Servant (answering bell): "Aly master isn t in. sir. Aon may leave the bill if you wish." Caller (in surprise): “Bill? I have no bill. 1 wish to " Servant (in surprise also): "No bill ! Then you must have called at the wrong house." NO WAITING. " Aly girl gave me a surprise last night when I called to take her out to a dance." said Simpson. "What was that?" asked his fellowclerk. “ She was all dressed up in a posh new evening gown." Simpson enlightened him. “ Von say she was all dressed when you got there ?” asked the other. “ A'es, I said so." came from the young lover. " Why do you ask in that tone of voice ? ” “ AA’ell. that wasn't a surprise," retorted the other. “ That was a giddy miracle.'’

A GOOD LIMERICK. Air Justice Hawke recited the following amusing limerick at the annual dinner of the Society of Somerset Folk, when proposing the health of the society and coupling with it the name of the chairman. a Bieknoller man: — There was an old man of Bieknoller Who went out to dine with no collar. When they called out, “ Oh, tie ! ” He anwered. “ For why ? It makes it more easy to swaller.” TRIVIAL. They were discussing the chances of the horses in a forthcoming race, to the bewilderment of a youth who was entirely unacquainted with the intricacies of form. ‘'AA’ell. said one man. " I fancy so-and-so." But." interjected another. ” tiiat's been scratched." The youth said, innocently : “AVell. what of that ? I don't suppose a scratch will make much difference to a really good horse." THE ECONOMIC INSTINCT. A Scottish business man in London was •entertaining a friend to lunch. The friend observed : "Of course I haven t seco you for some months, but it strikes me that you are talking a good ■deal faster than .von used to." The Scot laughed. " | believe you're right, be said. "A mi see. I have to telephone to New A’ork once a week nowadays." KEEPING HIS WORD. The landlord called for his rent, which was many weeks overdue. " I'm sorry." said the tenant. "' but I can'' pay von this week." “ But you said that last week, and several weeks before that." snapped the landlord. " A’es. and didn't I keep my word ? " replied the tenant, blandly.

A HARD TASK. The plain girl was jn conversation with he>- a-tress friend. “ AA’hat do you have to do in your new rob’ ? ” she inquired. "Nothing much." said the actress tiredly. "Just represent a pretty girl, that’s all.” Her plain friend looked mildly surprised. “Really." she said. "AA’hat a lot they expect from actresses these days ! ” EIGHTEEN HOLES. The story of a dentist who loves his game of golf : Ono Sunday morning he received a telephone call from an acquaintance who asked for an appointment at once. “Awfully sorry, old man, T can't do it until to-morrow." replied the dentist. “I’m just starting off now to fill eighteen cavities." WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE? " The difference between the cow and the milkman." said the gentleman with a rare memory for jests, “is that the cow gives pure milk.”

" There is another difference," retorted the milkman. “The cow doesn't give credit."

QUITE HIDDEN. Father : “Hello, eating candy again?" Son : “ A’es." Father : " You'll ruin your stomach if you eat so much candy." Son : " AA’ell. I don’t care—-it won't show with my clothes on ! ” ON HER OWN HEAD. Blown eyed the hat apprehensively. “ How much ? " he asked the shop assistant. “ That will be three and a-half guineas.’’ came the prompt reply. "AA’hat!" ejaculated Brown. •■'Three and a-half guineas for that thing ! AVhy, it's a sin." His wife edged nearer. " Never mind." she countered. "'J he sin will be oh my head." THERE WAS A CATCH IN IT. Tommy wore a perplexed look. “ AA’hat's wrong ? " asked his father. " I was just wondering, daddy.” replied the boy. "Is a chicken three weeks old big enough to eat ? ’’ ” AA’hy. of course not. my boy." came his father's smiling response. " Then how does it live ? " asked Tommy. ALL BUT THAT. A little boy was taken to hear a piano recital at which his older sister was performing. The little hid sat in utter silence until the end of the performance, when the audience dispersed. His mother said, as they were leaving the hall : “AA’ell. Bobby, ilid you enjoy it ? ” "Yes. mother." Bobby answered politely, “ all except the music." NO LAUGHING ALLOWED. The Irish sergeant-major was drilling the recruits. During a “ stand-easy " he said to one man : " AA’hat is it ye're laughin' at, my man ? Remember this, will ye. the only wan entitled to laugh here is meself, because I'm lookin' at yez." NOW ’ERE, NOW THERE. Interested Ohl Lady Ito street musician): " Do you always play by ear ? Musician : " No. mum. Sometimes 1 play in the 'Jgh street." VAGUE. Librarian : " AA’hat is the title of the book you are looking for ? " Flapper : " I'm not quite sure, but I know it begins with ’The.'" CONCEIT.

A lady motorist was driving along a country road when she spied a couple of repairmen climbing tidegraph poles. fools ! " she exclaimed to her companion. " They must think I have never driven a ear before ! ” ASSERTING HIS AUTHORITY. Freeman had explained his domestic troubles to his neighbour with whom he had been out the previous evening. “ So j our wife chased you into the cupboard when you got home last night." said the neighbour. " Then what did vou do ? Locked myself in ami she demanded that I should open the door and come out." said Freeman. “ Did you ? " inquired the listener. "No: I'm master in my house." HE WASN’T THERE. This amusing story is in Mr Seymour Hicks's entertaining memoirs. “ Between Ourselves. ('ha lies Brookfield and some fellow actors were talking noisily in Brookfield's club one day when AA’ortley the artist entered and said : " 1 wish you actors wouldn't make such a noise. AA’e can always see you for half a crown any even i ng." " I know you can." said Brookfield, " and I thought I could see you at the. Academy to-day for a shilling, but [ didn't.” A WITTY REJOINDER. A clergyman was giving evidence for the prosecution in a burglary ease heard at a county assizes. He was particularly clear ami precise as to the time at which he had seen the prisoner, whose defence was an alibi. Defending counsel cross-examined the clergyman with great persistence. " AA’liv arc you so certain about the time ? " Because I looked at my watch.” " But your watch may have been wrong ? ” “ Oh. no." retorted the witness erushingly. “ I checked it with another watch I carried." "But.” said baffled counsel. “why in the world were you carrying two watches ? " At this point counsel for the prosecut ion interjected: "On the principle, • L-’t the saints their watches keep.’”

A MAN OF POLISH. The burly policeman popped upon the scene as two men were engage'd in a wordy altercation. “ ’Ere." he cried sternly, “wot’s all this about ? ” “’E says 'e's a man of polish.” returned one of the malcontents. “Ah. T see," said the guardian of the law. “ that’s the rub. is it ? And you were trying to clean things up ? ” “Just so." replied the malcontent. “I intended to wipe the door wiv ’ini ! ”

AN APPETISER ONLY. An eating competition was organised in a mining town in the North of England. One competitor, a collier 6ft high and broad in proportion, disposed of a leg of mutton, a loaf of bread, mid a plentiful supply of vegetables, topping off the repast with the whole of a substantial plum pudding. He was declared the winner, and was being escorted triumphantly home when he turned to his admirers and said : “ Ah, lads, don't yo’ say nowt about this to me wife or she won’t gie me no supper." SOMEAVHAT IRISH. An Irishman was asked the other day what was the funniest story he knew concerning his own countrymen. He told this one : Pat went to a village fair and was soon inveigled by one of the showmen into having three .balls in exchange for his penny. AA’ith the first he knocked over and broke a clock. AA’ith the second he disposed of a gaudy vase, and with the last he reduced a picture frame to fragments. "And now. me bhoy." he said to the speechless showman, "give me wan of yer ilegant ela.v poipes." A PICKPOCKET. Iji a Midland eit.v Mr Norman Birkett, the eminent English barrister, had successfully- defended a man charged with picking pockets. After accused had been acquitted he expressed his gratitude to the barrister, and offered to take him to London in his ear, an offer which Mr Birkett was not anxious to acept. "No. thank you." he said politely. “I’m afraid I haven't the lime." " But." persisted the man. " if we start now it won't take very long. AA’hat time is it now ? " I don't know." said Mr Birkett, “I haven't a watch." " Haven't a watch ? " repeated the man in an eager -whisper. " A’ou wait there a minute ami I’ll slip out and get you one." SOMEWHAT INVOLVED. A rich man having moved into a somewhat exclusive district invited a part.v of his neighbours to dinner. AA 7 hen the guests had assembled the host, with heavyhanded humour, remarked : " AA’ell. make yourselves at home . . where you should be." His wife immediatel.v added : “Oh. please don't pa.v any attention to Halfred. He always says what he thinks." LEFT IN A HURRY. The business man dashed into the employment exchange. " Look here." he said to the clerk, " I'm looking for a cashier." The clerk looked somewhat surprised. “AA’hy. sir." he said. " 1 thought I fui - nished you with one last week." " I know.” came the irritable repl.v. "Thais the one I'm looking for." NOT QUITE. Buller was bowling merrily along in his ear when there came a sudden clanking sound from under the bonnet of the eiigiii-.-. A few seconds later the car came to a stop. The motorist tpiickly investigated the trouble, and discovered that it would take him at least two hours to put the matter right again. I’resently a coimtr.v labourer came up ami stood bv the ear. An hour later he was still silently watching Fuller’s untiring efforts to repair the damage. At the end of another half-hour the motorist decided that he could not stand those watching eyes any longer. " Excuse me." he said to the labourer, ns politely as he could, "but is this the first car you have ever seen ? " The watcher shook his head ver.v sadly. No. sorr." he replied, "it's not the first. But it looks ver.v much like it." FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT. An American farmer was interviewing a negro who applied for work. "Are .von familiar with mules?" the negro was asked. No. sah." was the reply. " Neither hab been. All knows too much about dem to be familiar wid dem." HE GOT THE BIRD. She ret m in'd from her shopping expedition. " John ! She called her husband into her room. “ Isn't this a duck of a frock ? " Husband looked at the frock ami then nt the bill. " ll'm." he groaned. " I should think it s a pelican by the size of the bill." WHAT A REVELATION? A judge on the northern circuit was celebrated for his impassivity. During an important criminal trial he remained motionless for an hour while, counsel was speaking. Then when the judge did begin to speak a little girl in the gallery, who was present with her father, jumped up excitedly and called out : “ AA hy, daddy it's alive." RIGHT. I he duller took six swipes at his ball on the first tee. and then turned casually to his opponent. "I'll bet you thought I was trying to hit it." he remarked. " AA’ell. yes, 1 did." admitted the other. "Good,’ moaned the duffer, as he bent to his task again. " You were right." HOW TALL? I wo little girls were quarrelling over which was the taller. “ I’m taller than you.” said the first, " because I can look over those boards.” “ Phew ! That’s nothing," said her small companion. “I have to bend down to look over.”

A TALE OUT OF HOLLYWOOD. A temperamental producer had become a father. In due course the offspring was brought to him by the nurse. The parent gave the child a very brief glance. “ Thanks,” he said, “ but not quite the type we’re looking for." BINGO. AA z hen I had my tonsils out (I was only nine) Grannie gave me Bingo, So Bingo’s all mine. Bingo's a terrier, A'ery kind and wise, AA’hite all over With dark brown eyes. AA’hen I'm rather bigger I know what I shall do : I shall go exploring, And Bingo will go too. AA’e shall reach the South Pole (I shall keep a log). And Bingo's photo will be taken Because he is my dog. He will be presented AA 7 ith a silver bowl : “ This belongs to Bingo. AA’ho went to the Pole." — -Rose I’yleman. ju the School Journal. (Altered.) OVERHEARD. The two women met at a concert and began to talk. " A cs." said one, “ I have awful headaches and pains in my lungs. The doctor says I’ve a weak heart, too." "I'm just the same." replied her companion. " Heart, lungs, and ears always giving me trouble." An old gentleman in the seat behind gentl.v touched one of them on the shoulder. “Pardon me. ladies." he said, “but I’ve come to a concert, pot an organ recital." AS SHE IS SPOKE. Some good speaking was heard at the annual dinner of the International Antiquarian Booksellers' Association. Mr John Buchan urged that deterioration of our language must be prevented. "Say. cutie, where you gettin’ to 1 ?” might be all right in its place as an invocation to a lady, but he greatly preferred. " 0 mistress mine, where are you roaming ? " THE FORGOTTEN PENALTY. Mother tiptoed to the pantr.v door and was just in time to see young Charlie put his hand into the jam jar. " ('harlie." she exclaimed angrily." what did I sa.v 1 would do if I caught you stealing jam again ? " Charlie thoughtfully scratched his head with his still jammy lingers. “AA’hy. that's funny, mum." he said. “ A’ou’ve forgotten, and 1 can’t remember what it was. either."

CHOOSING SHOES. New shoes, new shoes. Red and pink and blue shoes. Tell me. what would you choose 1 f they'd let us bu.v ? Buckle shoes, low shoes. Pretty, pointy-toe shoes. Strappy, cappy low shoes — Let's have some to try. Bright shoes, white shoes. Lovel.v dance-by-night shoes. Perhaps a little-tight shoes. Like some ? So should I. BUT— Flat shock, fat shoes. Stump-along-1 ike-that shoes. AA'ipe-them-on-the-mat shoes — Oh. that's the sort they'll buy. • —Ffrida AA'olfe. in an exchange. iSlightl.v altered.) SHE AVAS FIRST. "Johnny.” said the young lover to his girl's brother, “would you like to earn sixpence ? " Rather." came from the eager boy. "AA’hat do you want done ? " " 1 want you to creep in ami turn trie light low when .your sister and I are together in the drawing room." said the lover. “ Sorry, too late." said Johnny. " She has already given me a shilling to turn it right out." TOO DEAR. M’Pherson went to 'the chemist for advice. “Alan. A've an awin' cattld." he said. “ Hae ye a guid cure for it ? " A'es." replied the chemist. " I have a sovereign cure.’’ APPherson backed slowly towards the door. "Hoots awa wi' ye. man ! " he said. " D'ye no' keep ain a boot fowerpenec ? ” QUITE TRUE. A group of youthful members of a club were waxing hilarious when an elderly member, directing a baleful glance at the group, observed. “ Children should neither be obscene nor heard.” A START. A certain • auctioneer was putting a liouse up for sale. “Now come along, somebody." said he, “ give us a start.” Nobody would speak. Jones, who was standing at the back of the crowd, shouts out. " Two bob'" “ Two what ? ” “Ah." said Jono-t, " I thought that would give you a start."

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN THEN?

Firing was just about to commence at Bisle'y, and a smart young lady visitor, gazing idly around, was mueh startled by the first shot. Tn alarm she grasped the, arm of a young officer, and then, suffused in blushes, she stammered an apology explaining that the sudden report had frightened her. “That’s quite all right." smiled the officer. “Perhaps you would like to come and listen to the artillery some time ? ”

ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. A doctor was called in to attend .in ailing baby. "You’ll have to give him a dose of castor oil, ' said the medical man to the child’s mother. The mother, one of the ultra-modern type, had expected the prescription to take the form of a violet-ray bath or something like that. " But. doctor." she said. “ castor oil ! Castor oil is such an old-fashioned remedy.” I he doctor nodded in agreement. " Babies, madam,” he replied, "'are old-fashioned things.” THEY SAID IT. Two of a certain golf club's keenest "tigers" were playing over the course one da.v behind a couple who were irritatingly slow. At last, in a burst of annoyance, one of the "tigers" exclaimed. "It isn’t golf those fellows are playing: it's charades. And the word is • creeping paralysis.” ’’ IF I WERE RICH. I) 1 were rich I'd keep a bee. And eat its hone.v fm- my tea. if I were rich I’d bu.v a horse. And have a little foal—of course. Ami most of all I'd like a lot Of red geraniums in a pot. - -lx. C. Lait. in an exchange. NOTHING LIKE IT. 'l'he prett.y schoolmistress was taking her cla.-s of young pupils in a natural histor.v lesson. "Ami what is a pussy-cat clad in ? " she asked. Silence reigned. " Come. come. now.” she insisted. " AA’hat is it that protects it from the cold ? Does it wear a pinafore or does it wear a little overcoat or a shawl or a jumper ? " Little Ernest at a desk ver.v near the bottom of the class shook his head sadly. "Teacher." he exclaimed, "ain't you never seen a eat ? ” TALE OF A TAIL. An actress on tour became tired of paying railwa.v fares for her small dog. so she bought a basket with ventilation holes. The first time she attempted to use it the ticket collector at the station barrier asked what was in the basket. ” Hats.” replied the actress, and went on to the platform. Before she had proceeded far she was recalled b.v the grinning ticket collector, who. pointing- to a stump of fnzz.v tail which wagged joyously from one of the ventilation holes. remarked: " A’ou’ll have to pa.v for that one with tlie feathers !

YES, WHAT? i First Darky : “AA’hat fo’ you name yo’ babj ’ Electricity.' Mose ? ’’ Second Darky: "AA’ell. mah name am Mose and mah wife's name am Dinah, ami if Dinah-Mose don't make electricity, what does dev make ? HELPFUL. The motorist was lost. Before him stretched, three roads. Noticing a countryman approaching, he pulled up his car and questioned him. “ Can j<m tell me where these roads lead to ? " he asked. “Oh. aye! " said the countryman, slowly. " That road goes to my house, t'other do go to A’armer Green's, an' this ’on keeps straight on." FLATTERING. The waiter was taking the order of a pretty girl who was accompanied by a florid, podgy, middle-aged man. “And how about the lobster ? " the waiter inquired. “ Oh. he <an order whatevei' he likes." came the startling reply. POTTED WISDOM. Don’t wear diamonds unless yon have the banlc balance to match. The mule lias an admirable trait—refuses to stand for flattery. There is plenty of loom at the top for the hair tonic manufacturer. The ambition of every unmarried woman is to make a name for herself. The barber is about the only man who does head work with his hands. Tn the ideal marriage the wife is a treasurer and the husband is a treasury. AN UNFRIENDLY WISH. The two young men were walking along the I'oad when one of them stopped and clutched at his coinpan ion's arm. " I sa.v. George." he said. " T thought j’ou were a friend of Hatton. He's just passed you by without saying a word.” " We’re not friends any longer." George replied. " The last time he went abroad he sent me a postcard. On the back were the words. ‘ AA’isli you were here —”’ “But I don't quite see " interrupted his friend. “No? AA’ell. it was a postcard of a foreign prison.” JUSTIFICATION. He found life difficult, it seemed Things would not go as he had dreamed. He started out with heart elate To write his name among the great. But needs insistent held him down. He worked for food and not renown. “Some day." he said.” T shall be free To shape the nobler side of me.” Then marriage bound him to her wheel. And dreams game way to duties real.’' And children came. To them he gavt All he had ever tried to save. Thinking his chance for fame had flown. Into their lives he poured his own. They gained the fame to him denied. And all his toil was justified. —Edgar A. Guest, i n Tit Bits.