Editor's Wallet

Otago Witness, Issue 4031, 16 June 1931, Page 75

Editor's Wallet

POTTED WISDOM. One man's meat is another man’s ■rissole. Since the doctors say that women’s feet are gradually getting larger, it soon won’t matter whose slipper is used on little "Willie. Do policemen who have radio sets in their helmets get wireless on the brain ? The brewer’s daughter who wears corkscrew curls is at least businesslike. Gardening Hint : The time has come when you must remember who last borrowed your spade. Woman may be the weaker vessel, but man is more often broke. “ I am cutting a handsome figure,’’ said the artist as he snubbed his model in the .street. To be crazy about a girl is quite pardonable, but to marry her is genuine madness. Ladies who are dieting are probably remembering the old Assyrian proverb, ■“ When fat comes, infatuation goes.” A man is known by the men he “cuts.” A suit of armour is advertised for sale. What a chance for a married soccer referee !

LOVE-TIME. / •Oh, glad am I youth cannot see the cares that lie before, Or hear the moaning of the gales a few miles out from shore. ’Tis well that they must wait to learn what age has lived to know, Or laughing, dancing through the years we’d seldom see them go. 1 watch them walking arm in arm in love as plain as day, And wheresoever now they tread the world is wondrous gay. And though the wind be bitter cold and snow is drifted high, Love tints grim February with the splendour of July. And should I say : “ Beware, beware ! This love of which you speak With tears of bitterness and grief will some day stain your cheek. Some day you’ll feel the wintry cold and feel the tempest’s force, And need your utmost strength to hold love’s ship upon its course ” ? Not I. They’ll learn it soon enough. Nor would I spoil their youth By shouting, "All who love must mourn,” although it is the truth. I’ll leave them to then- happy dreams and pray that love will stay To sweeten every touch of care they’ll find along the way. —Edgar A. Guest, in Tit Bits.

SAFE. Four Scotsmen were playing cards. Among them was an Aberdonian. To the latter came a waiter, who said : “ I’m sorry to interrupt your game, sir, but ye’re needed on the telephone.” The Aberdonian rose from the table, took up his money, and went to the instrument. On his return he noticed that his friends were looking rather dour. “ What’s wrang wi’ you chaps ? ” he said, looking round the table. “Are ye vexed wi’ me ? ” “O’ course we’re vexed wi’ ye. Yon was a dirty trick.” “ Wha’ was a dirty treeck ? ” “To tak’ a’ yer money awa’ wi’ ye, as though ye thocht we wad steal the stuff.” “Naething of the sort was in ma mind. Come, get on wi’ the game.” The game proceeded, but again the waiter appeared to tell the Aberdonian he was wanted on the telephone. This time, as he walked towards the door, one of his friends called out sarcastically, “Are ye no’ taking yer money wi’ ye ? ” “ Na, na, it doesna matter. I’ll leave it this time. There’s eight an’ fourpence.”

BRIDGE TIPS. A lady, who had been playing bridge badly, suddenly said, as a new hand was dealt, “ Now I’m going to start afresh and show you my mettle this time.” “ Yes.” said one of her opponents, “and I’m going to collect some of it shortly.” o o o Three expert bridge players had pressed into service (being in extremis) one who knew little or nothing about the game. „Verv soon his ineptitude was exposed when he revoked glaringly. After a shocked silence his partner inquired cuttingly : “ I suppose you always play the card that your thumb happens to be on.” o-o o Another bridge beginner, by means of a finesse, won a trick which his suffering partner had expected to lose. “ Oh, bravo, partner,” he said gleefully. “That was perfectly astonishing.” “Yes,” said the hero, “and I’ll tell you something even more astonishing. I meant it.” o o o She (to bridge expert): “Now if you were in the same circumstances, how would you have played that hand ? ” He (icily): “ Under an assumed name.” HE FELL FOR IT. The two college students were in earnest conversation.

“ I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for eight hours,” said Pippen. “You surprise me,” gasped Strange. “ Where did vou fall ? ” The other yawned. “ I' fell asleep,” he murmured.

TWO KINDS. “ I am dancing with tears in my eyes,’’ Played the band; but the girl was quite hurt. She'd found, to her wrathful surprise, She was dancing with tears in her skirt. SONG. For the white house of earth Having nor door nor pane, The quick, dissolving, warm Thunder of rain. For the still-prisoned pool. North-running feet of wind Breaking the crystal where Willows grow silver-finned Over slow water. For Roadsides that climb a hill, Spiced burst of cherry bloom Bitterly frail and chill. For the firm pulse of Time, Strange pause, a halted day, Cupping such beauty as Never was known to stay. —Frances M. Frost, in an exchange. AN ARNOLD BENNETT STORY. One day Arnold Bennett was dining with an acquaintance in Paris, when he remarked niusingly : “If you did not know it for a fact, would you take me for an Englishman ? ” “ Of course I would,” replied the other, “ and what is more I’d name your county ... . Staffordshire.” Bennett was amazed, because the other did not know him at all well. “ What makes you say that ? ” he asked. “ Well,” said his companion, “ every time the waiter brings you a fresh plate you automatically turn it over to look at the pot mark.” “ Good Lord.” said Bennett, “ I must have been doing that subconsciously all my life. Everybody does it in the Potteries.” AS USUAL. The suburban wife was looking through a catalogue of women’s fashions. “ I wonder what will be the most popular styles in women’s hats this season,” she said to her husband. “My dear,” returned hubby, “ women's hats will be divided into two styles this season.” “ Oh, and what will they be ? ” she asked. " The usual styles,” he informed her. “ The ones you don’t like and the ones I can’t afford.” TIT BITS. Every blonde carries her own headlight. A fish story is generally weighed and found wanting. Too many spent yesterday what they were going to save to-day. Real heroes act as their own press agents. In case of an explosion, absence of body is preferable to presence of mind. Women are less dangerous than men. They actually talk before they act. A man never realises his wife’s superiority until he attempts to put a crying baby to sleep. Consider the alarm clock. It goes along giving people bad news for years, and never has its face lifted.

SELLING UP. Moggs met Boggs after an absence of several years. “ Well, and what are you doing these days ? ” he asked his long-lost friend. “ I’m selling furniture,” replied Boggs despondently. “ Selling much ? ” queried his friend. “ So far only my own,” Boggs informed him. WHY, OF COURSE. Business Man (to boy playing marbles): “Do you know what happens to little boys who use bad language when they play marbles ? ” Youth : “ Yes, sir. They grow up and play golf.” HOW SHE TOOK IT UP. When the preacher called for women to stand up and promise to go home and mother their husbands only one little woman arose, and when he told her to go home at once and mother her husband, she said ; “ Mother him ? I thought you said smother him.” PROVED IT. A gang of men were working on street repairs in front of a woman’s house. She seemed quite interested in them, and asked one of them, a big burly Celt : “ Which is the foreman ? ” Celt (proudly): “Oi am, mum.” Woman : “ Really ? ” Celt : “Oi kin prove it, mum. (Turning to a labourer near by) ‘ Kelly, y’re fired.’ ” THE REASON WHY. Two small boys returning to their schoolroom after recess showed evidence of having been crying. Teacher : “ Percy, why are you crying ? ” Percy: “Harold kicked me in the stomach.” - - Teacher: “Harold, did you mean to kick Percy in the stomach ? ” Harold : “Naw, I didn’t, but he turned round just as I kicked.”

SEVENTEENThe clergyman announced the result of the collection. “ Three pounds seven shillings and fourpence halfpenny,” he said. “ There must be a man from Aberdeen here to-day—• some holiday-maker, perhaps.” There was a shuffling at the back of the church, and a voice cried out : ‘•’You’re wrong; there’s seventeen o’ us.” MY SON JOHN. My sou John has ten little toes That ripple and twinkle and make him jocose. That help him stand upright, then fall on his nose, These troublesome, teachable, talkative toes ! My son John has two big blue eyes That cry for a minute, then round in surprise, That wrinkle with merriment, frown, and look wise. These innocent, impudent, inky-blue eyes ! My son John has two small red lips That hesitate, tremble, then out a word trips, That stretch into laughter, curl round finger-tips, Such lingering, lovable, exquisite lips ! —Helen M Sutcliffe, in Home Chat. JUST A STROKE. A malingerer on applying for a further certificate of inability to work received from the medico a form containing a straight line where the cause of illness should have appeared. When the foreman had read it he exclaimed : “ Why, there’s nothing here but a stroke ! ” “Quite so,” said the workman, “that’s exactly what I’m suffering from.’' YES, WHERE? “ Now, boys,” said the teacher, “we will continue our talk about the moon. I 'finished yesterday by telling you that it is quite possible there are people in the moon. Are there any questions you would like to ask me about yesterdav’s talk ? ” “Please, teacher,” asked Willie Scrag, “where do the people go when there is no moon ? ” TAKEN AT HIS WORD. She-gazed longingly into his eyes. “ Oswald,” she purred, “ would you put yourself out for me ? ’’ Oswald, the romantic lover, thumped his chest earnestly. “ Darling,” he cried, “ I’ll do anything for you.” “ Then do it,” she cried, gazing up at the clock. “It’s past midnight, and I’m tired.” THREE LITTLE HOWLERS. “To be called to the bar is to be treated to a drink.”

“A Soviet is a cloth used by waiters in hotels.” “A welshor is a native of Wales.”

OUR AUNT JANE. Oh. I like to lean out of the window when I travel about by train. But you can't do anything quite like that If you travel with our Aunt Jane. Whenever the train stops out we climb, And then we get back again, With bags and bundles and gamps and gloves, When we travel with our Aunt Jane. We worry the windows, we turn off the heat, We give all the porters a pain; Oh, it’s quite an affair, but it’s rather a joke To travel with our Aunt Jane ! —lrene Heath, in Home Chat. OTHER WAY ROUND. “ Did you show that account to Hardup again to-day ? ” “ Yes, sir.” “ Did you tell him that it had been on the slate long enough and I’d like to rub it out ? ” “ Yes, sir.” “ What did he say ? ” “He said it looked as if you were trying to rub it in.” ONE WAS ENOUGH. “ So you like my daughter, eh ? ” asked the girl’s father. “ Like her ! ” echoed the lovesick swain. “I would jump off Nelson’s Column for her, die for her, slave to please her, go through fire to save her pain ” Her father put up his hand for him to stop. “ Very good,” he said, “ but I can’t consent to the marriage.’ I’m a pretty good liar, and one in the family is enough.” A CHANGE OF HEIR. Freeman looked down in the dumps. Goff, noticing his friend’s sad plight, went across to inquire the reason. “Anything wrong, old man ? ” he asked. “ Lots,” groaned the gloomy one. “ I’ve just heard that my uncle has cut me out of his will. He’s altered it five times within the last two years.” “ H’m,” smiled Goff, “ evidently one of those fresh heir fiends.” SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSING. “ I wish,” exclaimed the editor’s wife, “ that you’d be a little less absent-minded when dining out.” “ What have I done now ? ” asked the editor. “Well, when our hostess asked if you’d like some more pudding you told her that owing to the tremendous pressure on space you were reluctantly compelled to decline.” HAD SHE? During a golf match between two teams of women a caddie informed the woman whose clubs he was carrying that, the player in front was two up. “ How do you know ? ” she asked with inte est. “Have you got a code ?” “ No, miss,” was the reply, “ adenoids.”

FINANCIALLY EMBARRASSED. “ Why is Jenkins so excited ? ” “He says his baby is financially embarrassed.” " Get out 1 How could a baby be financially embarrassed ? ” “ It swallowed a halfpenny.” A TIMELY ANSWER. The short-tempered army sergeant was drilling a rather awkward squad of recruits. “ Mark time ! ” he ordered vigorously. Presently he noticed that one of the squad in the back row was not taking any notice of his order. “ Mark -time, there ! ” repeated the sergeant. “ Shall I mark time with my feet ? ” asked the offender meekly. “ Of course, you idiot ! ” came from the sergeant. “ Did you ever hear of marking time with the hands ? ” “ Yes, sergeant,” was the still meeker reply. “ Clocks do it.” DINNER IS OVER. He was unaware of the eccentricities to be found in Western Canada. He entered what was apparently the only hotel in the place. After ushering him to a table and giving him the usual glass of water, the waiter said : “ Dinner is served, sir Will you have sausages on toast ? ” “ No. I never eat ’em.” In that case, sir,” replied the waiter, moving away, “ dinner is over.” THE SPENDTHRIFT. “Is your husband in, Mrs Gossip ? ” asked the caller. “ Yes, he’s in,” replied the lady. “ Good ! ” exclaimed the caller, taking a step over the front mat. “ Then perhaps I’ll get the money he owes me.” “ You’re a bit of an optimist,” smiled the wife knowingly. “If my husband bad any money he wouldn’t be in.” KEPT HIS PROMISE. Jones : “ What about that fiver I lent you the other week ? Yon promised me you wouldn’t keep it long.” Friend : “I didn’t. It was gone in half an hour.” WELL-MARRIED. The honeymoon couple were about to alight from their taxi. “ I feel so nervous, George,” she whispered. “ They are sure to know.” But George was resourceful. “ Here,” he said, “ you carry the bag ! ” NO OFFENCE. The two Irish workmen met on a job. " What’s this I hear about ye, O’Casey ? ” said Pat. “ I think you owe me an apology. Ye called me a liar.” O'Casey was on his dignity at once. " You’re a liar, Oi didn’t,” he shot back. “ That’s all right, then,” said Pat. “An’ ye didn’t owe me an apology.” RETAILING. Teacher : “ What happens when a tadpole loses its tail ? ” Tommy : “It is then called a frog, which is caught and sent to market to be retailed.” EASILY EXPLAINED. Foreman : “ Say, Mick, how is it you only carry one plank at a time, whilst your mates carry two ? ” Mick : “ Oh, they are too lazy to make two journeys.” IRISH. An Irishman got a job at a railway station. When the first train came in, however, he forgot the name of the station, so he yelled out : “ Here ye are for •where ye are going. All in there for- here come out.” HE OBLIGED. Mrs Gush : “ Oh. it must be wonderful to be a humorist. Please tell me a funny story.” Humorist : “ Madam, I am pleased to meet you.” GREAT EXPECTATIONS. The son-in-law-to-be was arranging a little matter of finance with his father-in-law-to-be.

“ Of course, you must understand, sir,” said the young man, “that my pride forbids me to accept anything from you after I marry your daughter.” The girl’s father looked pleasantly surprised. “ But how are you going to live ? ” he asked. “ Well,” said the youth, “ I thought you might make some kind of settlement beforehand.” RATHER! Host (describing a visit to a monastery ) : “And the flow of wit, sitting round the fire after dinner, with half a dozen Benedictines ” Guest (not up in the religious orders): “ I should think you would be jolly after six.” MORAL MUSIC. The old-fashioned farmer was hard to convince. “No,” declared he. “I’ll have no such contraption in my house. Planners are bad things.” “ Oh, but father,” protested his daughter, “this is an upright piano.” A FAIR EXCHANGE. Two members of a small club had a serious difference and went outside to settle it in the usual fashion. It was a rainy night, and the combatants slipped so that the boxing match turned into a wrestling contest. One fellow pinned the other down by the shoulders and panted, “Will you give in ? ” »

“ No,” said the other fiercely, “ I won’t.” “Very well,” said the first, “will you come on top for a bit, I’m getting wet through.” ' . „j

FREAKS. Young Zoologist (who has been asked to radioeast): “And all the time, darling, though millions may be listening in. I shall be thinking of you alone.” Darling : “And what’s your lecture about, old thing ? ” Y r oung Zoologist : “ Freaks of Nature.” THE FINE ART BUSINESS. A Bond street dealer went out to lunch one day, leaving his “gallery” in charge of a young man somewhat new to the trade. A lady entered and was interested in a reproduction of an old master, “ I’ve seen the original of this somewhere abroad,” she said—" in Italy, I think. Ah, yes, it was in Venice.” “No doubt it would be Venice," said the young assistant affably. “ I see it is entitled ‘ Venus liising from the Sea.’" WHERE THEY FREQUENTLY GO. Teacher : “ Now tell me the names of some pieces of clothing.” Children : “ Coat, hat, shoes, blouse.” Teacher : “Yes, now a piece of clothing for the hands.” Fritz; “Trousers pocket.” WHAT, AGAIN? An Aberdeen stage story : An English touring revue company arrived in the city of jokes. To' the manager’s horror he discovered that the charges at the theatre indicated a very second-rate “house.” lie went to his hotel, and his feelings exploded on the manager. “To think of it ! ” he said. “Can you believe that the prices are fourpence, eightpenee, and a shilling ? ” “ Dear me..” said the manager, “ they’ve been puttin’ up the admission money again, have they '? ” NO LOSING ALLOWED. My husband plays cards nearly every night,” said Mrs Jones to her neighbour. “ 1 think it’s a terrible habit.” “ Why don’t you make him give it up ? ’’ suggested the neighbour. Mrs Jones smiled brightly. '■ I am as soon as his run of luck ends,” she replied. GREAT SCOTT! A Scotsman and a chance acquaintance were talking in a London hotel. _ Said the other, “ I was taken for a lamous statesman the other day.” "Were you ? ” said the Scot. “That’s funny. I was taken for a famous novelist. I went into a picture house yesterday afternoon, and about nine at night when the attendant was showing someone into a seat he flashed his torch on me and said, “Great Scott, are you here still ? A CATCH IN IT. Dumbell was undecided about accepting a post. "If I take it,” he said, “will I get a rise in salary each year ? ” " If your work is satisfactory,” replied the business man. Dumbell gave a knowing shake of his head. “Ah, I thought there was a catch in it somewhere,” he replied. GOLF TALES. A respected coroner was playing in a, golf foursome one day, and not playing too well either. Going to the last hole with the game all square, the coroner nerved himself for a terrific drive. But the result was a miserable miss-hit fifty yards towards square-leg. He looked at his partner in mute apology, and that irascible person snapped out : “ Verdict of temporary insanity.” o o o Here’s a tale of two crusty old golfers, both sticklers for the very letter of the law and both explosive of temper ; One day an argument arose over some small technicality, an argument which blew up into a storm. One said furiously: “Understand this, I shall never play golf with you again.” “ Pooh,” said the other, acidly, “you never have.” STOP PRESS FROM ABERDEEN. Two men from Aberdeen met in London. “ Hello, Jock,” said one, “ what are you doing here ? ” “ Oh,” smirked Jock, “ I’m on ma honeymoon.” “Is that so ? ” said the first. “ Where’s the wife, then ? ” “Ah,” explained Jock, “ she’s been in London before.” COMING ON. Mummy, you said that baby had your eyes and daddy’s nose, didn’t vou 9 ” “Yes, darling.” ’Well, you’d better keep your eves on him. He’s got grandpa’s teeth now.”