Editor's Wallet

Otago Witness, Issue 4030, 9 June 1931, Page 75

Editor's Wallet

LITTLE BILL AT THE PHOTOGRAPHER’S. Look pleasant, please, and close your lips,” the photograph man said; ■“And will you kindly turn this way—now slightly lift the head ? ” He said that if I watched his box a little bird I’d see, But oh, that horrid cameraman did not play fair with me ! I always thought that I was plain—especially in a hat, But still I didn’t know that I was quite so bad as that ! —lrene Heath, in Home Chat. IMPROVING NEIGHBOURHOOD. “We’re going to live in a better neighbourhood soon,” Mrs Grant said, loftily. “So are we,” Mrs Feigelbaum came right back at her. “ You are ? ” exclaimed Mrs Grant. ■“Where are yon moving?” “Nowhere,” returned Mrs Feigelbaum, “we’re staying here.” THE TWO KINDS. Mrs Hatt stopped to talk to her friend, and her husband waited at a short distance. Presently she rejoined him again. “ H’m,” he commenced, “ and what was that woman talking about ? ” ' “ Business,” she replied offhandedly. " Yes, I know,” murmured hubby sternly; “ but whose ? ” CRUEL KINDNESS. Son in college was applying pressure for more money from home. “ I cannot understand why you call yourself a kind father,” he wrote to his dad, “ when you haven’t sent me a cheque for three weeks. What kind of kindness do you call that ? ” “ That’s unremitting kindness,” wrote the father in his next letter. A SLIP OF THE TONGUE. The twins had been brought to be christened. “ What names ? ” asked the clergyman. “ Steak and Kidney,” the father replied. “ Bill! ” cried the mother, “ it’s Kate and Sydney.” CHARITY. Young Ikey (doing his home work): “ Fader, if you lent a hundred pounds for three months at five per shent per annum, vat vould it be ? ” Isaacs : “Charity, my poy, charity.” MARK’S PROCESS. His Girl Friend (admiringly): “ How in the world do you make up your jokes, Mark ? ” Mark Twain : “ I sit down and laugh, and then think backwards.” CORRECT. Father was giving his small son David a little knowledge test. “ Now, then, David,” he said, “ you say you know your alphabet ? ” The boy nodded. “ Well, what comes after A ? ” asked father. “All the rest of them,” David readily replied. BUSY. A young lady entered the office and asked if Mr Simpson was disengaged. “Well, he’s rather busy,” replied the clerk, doing his best to be complimentary. “ But he is always pleased to see pretty girls like you.” “Is that so?” replied the visitor, coldly. Will you nlcase tell him his wife wants to see him.”

A DOUDLE ISSUE. Mrs Slosher heard a man ascending the stairs of the tenement house late at night, and, supposing it to be her husband, quickly opened the door and administered a severe thrashing. After it was all over she looked at the man’s face. “Good gracious ’ " she cried in shocked topes. “You’re not my husband. You’re the tenant on the next floor. I’m awfully sorry.” The victim picked himself up. “And so you ought to be,” he moaned. “Now I’ll have to go through all that again.” THE BAIT. Ben pointed out to his pal, a taxi driver, a purse on the floor of his cab. “Yes,” said the driver, “when business is bad I put it there and leave the door open. It’s empty, but you’ve no idea how many people jump in for a short ride when they see it.” WILLING TO OBLIGE. The scene was a crowded thoroughfare. Impatient Motorist: “ Come on, my man. Get out of the way.” Costermonger (in donkey cart): “ Righto, guv’nor .’ Where’ll Igo ? Up the lamp-post or dahn the drain ? ” GOOD BOY? Elderly Lady : “Did you see anything of a white cat ? ”

Small Boy : “Yes, it fell into a barrel of black paint down the street, but I fixed it all right.” “ Oh. you good little boy ! What did you do ? ” “ I threw it into a barrel of whitewash.”

WAITING FOR IT. One evening after five-year-old Bobby had been put to bed there came sounds of wailing from his room, and Mary, the maid, was sent to soothe him. Soon the crying broke out again with renewed vigour, and father went upstairs. " What’s all this noise about, you young rascal ? ” " Well, Mary said if I kept on crying a great big mouse with big green eyes would come and sit on the end of my bed. I’ve kept on, but it hasn't come yet ! ” WHAT’S THE USE. A rooster leaned his head disconsolately against a barn door. “ What’s the use of it all ? ” he said sadly. “ Eggs yesterday, chickens to-day, feather dusters to-morrow ! ” STRONG INDEED. Mr Jones: “Your wife is somewhat strong-minded, isn’t she, Littlejohn ? ” Littlejohn : “ Strong-minded ? A furniture polish hawker came here yesterday, ami in five minutes’ talk she sold him some polish she had made herself.” RISK MUST BE PAID FOR. Young Housewife : “ But these shoelaces seem very dear.” Pedlar : “Ah, they’re real mohair, ma’am. It’s a risky job ’unting the mo.” EXCUSABLE. Pugnacious clubman (glaring around room in midst of argument): “ I’m a self-made man ! ” Older Member : “ Sir, we accept your apology.” AMBITIOUS. Brown (in New York, to friend carrying a baby): “ Hullo ! Taking the baby to be christened ? ” “No; I’m ,just going to have his name put down for the White House.” QUITE TRUE. “ Snowdrops, sir ? ” said the hawker to the absent-minded professor. “ Yes, I believe it does,” was the old man’s reply. TELLING NOTHING. A district visitor patronisingly surveyed a dirty little boy who opened the door to her. “ Hallo, little boy,” she said. “ What is your name ? ” “ Same as dad’s,” came the prompt reply. “ What’s your dad’s name ? ” she inquired. “ Same as mine,” he answered. “ Yes, but what do they call you when they want you to come to dinner ? ” “ They don’t never call me to dinner ? ” the boy said with a sunny smile. “ Why don’t they ? ” she asked. “ ’Cause I always git there first ! ” was the reply.

LOST. I.ompkins was passing the offertory bag in church when a woman hurried in. She walked quickly down the aisle, stopped by Tompkins, dropped a penny in the bag. and moved to a seat. The bag-bearer was at the last pew when the woman came hustling back again. She snatched a penny from the bag, and was passing out of the church door when Tompkins grabbed her arm. “I say,” he muttered, “why in the name of goodness do you come in here, drop a -coin in the bag, and then take it out again and leave ? ” The woman shook him off indignantly. “ I'm in the wrong church,” she said. IN OTHER WORDS. He had waited patiently for his loved one for almost an hour. At last she appeared. “ What made you so late ? ” he inquired. “And where’s the car ? ” “ Ran into a garage on the way over.” she informed him. “Wanted some repairs, ch ? ” he asked. “ No,” she replied; “ but the garage will now.” DON’T FORGET. Don’t forget the debt you owe To the folk who loved you so— Mother, brother, sister, dad— When you were a little lad; ' Now you’re grown and far away, Tell them how you fare to-day. Don’t forget the friends that you In the days of boyhood knew, For those, friends are often best Who life’s early morning blest. Best to calm the fear and feuds Of life's grim vicissitudes. Don’t forget the lessons learned Ere your youth to manhood turned, Things the heart so deeply stirred That their voices still are heard— For, whate’er life has to give, These are things by which you live. —A. B. Cooper, in Tit Bits. SHE MEANT WELL. A teacher in the East End sent a small girl for sixpennyworth of plums, giving her a basket and telling her to be sure and pinch one or two to see if they were ripe. The, child returned with the basket full, and said : “ ’Ere, teacher, ’era’s yer sixpence. The man wasn’t lookin’ so I pinched the lot.”

PROVED. Goldstein : “ Wherever you go in the world you will always find us Jews are the leading people.’’ M'Gregor : “Ach, mon, how aboot the North Pole ? ” Goldstein : “ Veil, Iceberg ain’t no Scotch name.” TACT. A. certain negro during the late war had achieved the rank of orderly to a colonel. In the latter’s absence the negro was left in command with the warning to treat his white charges with tact. Sam had assured the colonel that tact was his long suit, but after his chief’s departure he looked up a negro friend and told him what his instructions were. “Now,” inquired Sam, “ what is this tact ? I gotta knowhow to do it.” “Well.” his friend replied, “I’ll explain. When I was back in the States I was wo’kin’ at the Waldawf. One day when 1 was cleanin’ up I opened a bathroom doa’ and there, was a ladv in thar siftin’ in the bath-tub. I shut that doa’ just as quick, an sez, ‘ Excuse me, sub ! ’ Naow, that ’excuse me’ was just politeness, but that ‘ suh ’ was tact.” HONESTY. A taxicab driver applied to a garage in answer to an advertisement for a reliable driver. Everything seemed to be satisfactory with the applicant. He had never had an accident and had never been summoned. ‘;Ai' c you honest ? ” he was asked. ’ - ’ yes ’ he answered. “Well, suppose you found a pocketbook containing negotiable bonds worth £lOO,OOO in your taxi, what would you do ? ” “Do ? ” echoed the applicant. “ Nothing, of course; I’d live on my income.” RIGHT BAIT. An angler sat on the bank of a canal m Yorkshire watching his float. Presently a bishop came along with his pretty daughter. They stopped to look on '• My friend,” said the bishop, “ I perceive that you arc a fisher.” “Aye.” grunted the angler. ‘ I also am a fisher.” Eh, is thaat soa ? ” said the man with the rod. “Well, Ali’in pleased to meet a fellow-sportsman.” Ah, but there is a misconception in your mind. You are a fisher of fishes, but I am a fisher of men.” The angler turned and surveyed the daughter. “Aye,” he said at last, “and wi’ bait like yon you ought to get a good bag an’ all.” °

THE BOBBER SHOP. A highly disappointed man Is Hezekiah Hobbs; M henever he would get a shave The girls are getting bobs. BULLRUSHES. J.' 1 . . ,-e Ply to the teacher’s question, IS nati °nal flower of England . the class answered in unison. Roses, miss.” “ Very good.” said the teacher. “ Now, what is the national flower of France ? ” “Lilies, miss,” piped the class. "Excellent,” said the teacher. “Now, which is Spain’s national flower ? ” There was a long pause, then little Tommy Smart, making up his mind to have a pot shot guess, volunteered the answer, " Bullrushes, miss ! RATHER FAR. l-armer Smith had a supply of winter cabbages to plant. Arriving at the farmyard, he called over one of his labourers. " George.” ho said, “ I want you to plant these cabbages, but remember to plant them well apart.” /’AV- sir.” replied George, and went about his task. The following day the farmer again went in search of George. .. “Well,” he said, when he found him, did you plant those cabbages as I told you ? ” "'S es. sir,” was George’s reply. “ I planted some in your garden and some in mine. Is that far enough apart?” MAKING ROOM. The tram stopped and a very stout lady passenger alighted. Seeing "a tram inspector standing on the kerb she immediately bustled up to him. “ Inspector,” she cried indignantly, “ I want to report the conductor of the tram. He was very rude to me.” “I’m sorry about that, madam,” replied the inspector. “What exactly happened ? ” " Well,” went on the stout lady angrily, “ he kept on telling people that the tram was full up. Then when I got up to alight he announced that there was room for three inside.” WORTH IT. A man knocked up the doctor in a small village at about 3 a.m. and asked him to come immediately to a place about ten miles away. The doctor dressed speedily and got out his ear, and they drove furiously to their destination. Upon arrival the man asked : “ What is your fee, doctor ? ” “Half a guinea,” he replied in some surprise. . “ Here it is, then,” said the man, handing over the money. “ and cheap, too. The garage man wanted thirty bob to drive me over. You see, I”d missed the last train. ’ THE LAST STRAW. It was a great shock to Percy Softleigh when he caught his best friend in the act (P ei ’ey’s) sweetheart. Well, Harry,” he said, “I never expected this of you. After all the years we ve been chums and the many times I ve been a friend to you, I’m more than surprised.”

Then his voice got louder, and he began to show signs of anger. "And stop kissing her while I’m talking to you ! ” he hissed.

GOSSIP. A gossipy tongue is a dangerous thing If its owner is evil at heart. He can give whom he chooses full many a sting That will woefully linger and smart; But the gossipy tongue would be baulked in its plan For causing heartburnings and tears If it were not helped out by the misguided fool Who possesses two gossipy ears. APT. They were at supper. During the meal the young man with the voracious appetite discoursed eloquently on things in general. “Do you know, Miss Blank,” he remarked, “I think there is a very intimate relation between our food and our character. I believe, don’t you know, that we grow like what we are most fond of.” The fair girl smiled sweetly. “ How interesting,” she murmured. “May I offer you some more ham.” NO EXCUSE. Constable : “ Fishing is not allowed here. Five shillings fine.” Angler : " I am not fishing. I am teaching my worms to swim.” Constable : “May I see your worms ? ” Angler : “ Certainly.” (Worms come up at end of line.) Constable : “ But you must pay the fine. Your worms have no bathing costumes. and bathing without a costume is not allowed here.” SAMPLE NEEDED. It was during the early spring sales. Tempers were getting rather frayed. “ If I were trying to match politeness,” said the angry woman customer, glaring hard at the shop assistant, “I’d have rather a job to find it here.” The assistant was equal to the occasion. “Let me see your sample, madam ! ” she said. DENTAL ECONOMY. Dentist (meeting G.O.M. of the village, who had recently been fitted with a full set of dentures): “Good morning. Mr Jones ! Are you able to tackle anything in the chewing line now ? ” G.0.M.: “To be sure I am, sorr! ” Dentist : “ But you’re not wearing them now ! ” G.0.M.: "No, sorr, they be so expensive. I only puts ’em in when I wears me best clothes ! ” FASHIONABLE. A farmer visited Sydney to spend a holiday with a relative. His clothing was decidedly rustic in appearance, so his host suggested he should get a suit from a city tailor, and the farmer agreed. “ What about a small deposit, sir ? ” asked the tailor when the farmer called. “Just as you like,” replied the farmer. “ Put one in if they’re fashionable.” BETTER STILL. Henry, the young cashier, approached his friend just as the bank was closing down for the night. “Lend me tuppence for a bus fare?” he asked. “Sorry,” said his friend regretfully; “ I’ve only got half a crown.” Henry smiled. “ Splendid, old boy,” he said, “ then I’ll take a taxi.” COWARDS. A modern young woman was taken to see a boxing match. Coming away from the show, her escort said: “How did you enjoy it ? ” " Oh,” said the young woman, “ the boxers were all right, but these seconds are a lot of funks. Did you notice how they shot out of the ring as soon as there was any trouble brewing ? ” NOT HER JOB. ’1 he customer was obviously annoyed, so the waitress approached him to see what the trouble was. “Is something wrong ? ” she asked. “ Wrong !’’ snapped the customer, angrily. “Look, there’s a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does it mean ? ” “ Sorry,’" returned the girl, moving away, “ I’m a waitress, not a fortuneteller.” HER COOKING. She (tea shop proprietress): “ I’m sorry you don’t like my cakes, but I can assure you that this business has been built up almost entirely on my cookery ! ” He (candid customer): “I don’t doubt it, madam. With a few more buns like those you could build an hotel ! ” A TIP. A recent arrival at a boarding house had been a member of an expedition just returned from the wildest parts of Africa. After meals he liked to recount to the other boarders his many experiences and narrow escapes from death. “Yes,” he said one night, after the dishes had been cleared away, “many are the times when my party came to within an inch of dying from hunger. I remember one occasion especially. For days we had been without food. Everybody thought our end had come, when one of the men cut .up the soles of his shoes and made them into soup ” “ Hush ! ” interrupted the hoarders in chorus. “ Don’t let the landlady hear you.” ASKING FOR TROUBLE. At a charity entertainment a lady has just risen from her scat at the piano. “ Would you like to be able to sing and play as I do ? ” she asked one of her small listeners. “ Oh, no, madam,” came the child’s immediate reply. “And why not, my dear ? ” asked the lady, somewhat surprised. “ ’Cos I wouldn’t like to have people say horrid things about me,” was the child’s retort.

GOOD INTENTION. “ I say, old chap,” said the bridegroom, “ it was awfully decent of you to send us that cheque for fifty pounds, but there seems to have been some mistake. The bank has returned it marked ‘ R.D.’ ” “ You really mustn’t take that too seriously,”, replied the guest. “It was an indication of the sort of present I should like to have given you. Will-for-the-deed sort of thing, you know.” A GOOD TURN. “ I’ve done a good turn to-day.” “ Splendid. What was it ? ” “ You know the Brown’s big bulldog, the one that’s always on a chain ’cause he’s so fierce?” “ Yes.” “Well, I saw some boys running to school, and I was sure they would be late, so I let loose the bulldog and they were early.” CHEESE IT. Little Herbert arrived home one evening with his new suit full of holes. Mother : “ Your new suit is ruined ! What in the world have you been up to now ? ” Herbert : “ Well, I was playing grocery store with Alice and Faye. Each one of use was supposed to represent something, and I was the cheese ! ” READING BETWEEN THE LINES. Farmer Jones sold some of his lire stock at the market in the county town. After the deal the buyer proceeded to settle his account. “ I’ll just cross the cheque, and that will finish the matter,” he said. “ What do you mean by that ? ” asked the farmer. “ Oh,” smiled the buyer, “ I just draw two lines across the cheque with my pen and write ‘ and Co.’ between them.” The old farmer shook his head defiantly. “ Oh, no, you don’t ! ” he said. “ I’m only selling the pigs, and not the cow.” LOOKING WORRIED. “ What’s the matter, Sandy ? You’re looking worried.” “ Hey, mon, ma wife lost her diamond ring in the dustbin this morning, and I’ve been down in the dumps all day.” HASTY. “ I tell you, I won’t have this room,'"’ protested the old lady to the boy in buttons at the hotel. I ain’t going to pay my money for a pigsty with a measly little folding bed in it. If you think that just because I’m from the country ” Profoundly disgusted, the boy cut her short.

“Get in, mum, get in,” he ordered. “This ain’t yer room. This is the lift.” FORGIVEN. As the rector was leaving a temperance meeting he encountered one of his flock considerably the worse for drink. “Oh, William!” he exclaimed. “I regret to find you in this state. I’m sorry ! I’m sorry-—very sorry ! ” Well,” muttered the man, “ if you’re really sorry, I—• I forgive you.” ECONOMY. When old Sam arrived home he found his wife, as usual, very tired, and almost ready to drop. “ Oh, Sam,” she said, “ I have been all day patching that old sheet with the new one.” A TICKLISH TASK. A man entered a railway carriage rather late one night. In the corner he noticed another man who had, to say the least, been dining well, and w’ho was reading a newspaper—upside down. “ Excuse me,” ventured the new-comer, “ but are you aware you are reading your paper upside down ? ” “ Yes,” came the answer, “ and it’s darned difficult ! ” WORTH IT. A visitor called at a doctor’s house. “ Is your father at home, dear ? ” he asked the doctor’s small daughter. No, he’s out. giving an ansesthetie.” “An anaesthetic ! That’s a big word. What does it mean ? ” “ Three guineas,” was the reply. HOW TO SUCCEED. The big business man was giving his son a few useful tips on how to succeed. “ There are two vitally necessary things that you must remember,” he said. Yes, dad,” chimed in the boy. “ What are they ? ” “Honesty and sagacity,” came from the fond parent. “ What is honesty ? ” asked the bright youth. “Always—no matter what happens, nor how adversely it may affect you—always keep your word once you have given it,” father explained. The boy nodded undcrstandingly. “And sagacity ? ” he asked. “ Never give it ! ” came from father. THE MOTHS LIVED ON THEM. The woman entered the little general shop and for oyer three ifiinutes she searched about among the goods. At last she turned to the waiting shopkeeper. “ Have you something good for moths ? ” she asked. “ Yes,” replied the shopkeeper wearily. “ socks, scarves, and pullovers are all good for moths.” A SAFE MOMENT. He proposed to her* on the beach. To his immense surprise she accepted him. “ Hurrah ! ” he shouted. “ There’s your father coming out of the water. I’ll tackle him about it right now.” “John,” she said, “do you think this is the right moment ? ” “Absolutely,” he returned. “Ho doesn’t weai - boots when he’s bathing, does he ! ”