Editor's Walles

Otago Witness, Issue 4028, 26 May 1931, Page 76

Editor's Walles

LOST. There’s a hole in my sock . Two holes in my sock ! One in the heel and one in the toe; But where are the pieces out of the holes ? Where have they managed to go ? The hole in the heel is the size of a penny; The toe-hole's a shilling or more. If you find two soft round things lying about — Well, they’re what I'm looking for. —School Journal. WHO TOOK THE RIGHT ONE? Nat Gould’s “ Sporting Sketches,” written many*’ years ago, are still very leadable. In the days when it was “the thing ” to drive down to Ascot by coach, the horses were packed together tightly in tents on the heath. A gentleman was driving a pair home after the meeting, and when, he pulled up at a hotel he said to the groom : “ Bates, there’s something wrong with that nearside horse.” “ Yes, there is, sir.” “ Doesn't seem like the same horse he was going down.” “ No, sir, you’re quite right, sir. He’s not the same horse, but he was the oniy one left in the tent and I put him in on spec.” SHOWING OFF. The . waiter placed the diner’s meat course in front of him, and was about to depart when the customer gave a cry of astonishment. “ What’s the meaning of this, waiter ? ” he said. “ Yesterday you gave me a portion twice as large as this.” The waiter hunched his shoulders. “ Where did you sit yesterday, sir ? ” he asked. The customer pointed to a table near the only window in the small restaurant. “ Over there,” he said. “Ah,” exclaimed the waiter earnestly, “ that accounts for it ! We always give people large portions who sit by the window. It's a good advertisement.” A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE. The two bank clerks were exchanging confidences. “ I have a friend who has a fine time,” said Nobbs airily. “He goes round all day in a motor, and always carries heaps of cash.” “A millionaire, I should think,” said the other enviously. “ Oh, no ! ” said the first. “ He’s a bus conductor.” UNCONVINCED. The members of a school committee were on a round of inspection, and the teacher was putting his pupils through their paces. “ Who signed Magna Charta ? ” he asked, turning to one boy. “ Please, sir, ’twasn’t me,” whimpered the youngster. The teacher, in disgust, told him to take his seat, but an old committee member was not satisfied. “ Call that boy back,” he said. . “ I don’t like his manner. I believe he did do it.” RIGHT ABOUT TURN. Young Hopeful, having been allowed as a special concession to stay up late for dinner, misbehaved himself at the meal. The exasperated parent said: “Well, I’ve had enough of this. I'm going to spank him.” “ Oh,” protested the mother, “you really can’t thrash him on a full stomach.” “ No.” agreed, the father grimly, “ but I can turn the little beggar over.” THE TELEPHONE. Four-seven-eight-three— I think that’s the number; It’s the greengrocer’s, please, And I want a cucumber. Hallo ! Are you there ? I can’t hear what you say. > Y’ou’re the new City Gas Works. Well, well, since it’s you, You might send me some gas; Yes, twopenn’orth will do. —An exchange. STICKING TO ITS NUMBER. The two rather racy-looking men met on the racecourse and their conversation turned to the topic of strange coincidences. “ The most amazing coincidence T ever remember happened last year,” said Ch .rles, the bigger man of the two. “ What was that ? ” asked Henry eagerly. “ It was the eleventh day of the eleventh month, and I lived in a house with number eleven on the door, and I backed the eleventh horse in a race,” explained Charles. “And,” broke in Henry, “ the horse won, I suppose ? ” “Nothing of the kind,” came from his companion. “ The beastly animal came in eleventh.” . THERE ARE DANCERS AND DANCERS. The most famous story of Madame Pavlova —it is sad and incredible to think we shall not see that thistledown figure again—is related of her first visit to London. She was already a Continental celebrity, but the London agent upon whom she called had never heard of her. “ What do you do ? ” he asked casually. “Act, sing, recite ? ” “ I am Anna Pavlova,” she said simply. “ Sorry, that means nothing to me. What’s the style of your act ? ” “ I dance.” “Oh, all right, drop in to-morrow and bring your tights with you.”

HOW DID SHE KNOW? She was telling her husband the troubles of the day. “ You know, Bert,” she said, “ Mrs West has a very nasty habit.” “ What’s that, dear ? ” he asked patiently. “ She turns round and looks back every time we pass her in the street,” his wife replied. “Really ! And how do you know, dear ? ” he responded softly. CHEEK. A very young man about town entered the hairdressing establishment for a quick shave. Much to his annoyance, however, the shop was full of people waiting to be attended to. “ I say, my man,” he said, “ how long before I can get a shave ? ” The barber, who was working at full speed, looked him up and down. “Well, sir,” he said curtly, “you might be able to start in about a couple of years.” THE TIME FACTOR. Mr Asterisk entered a tea shop for a quick meal. “ I want a boiled egg,” he told the waitress, and he added careful instructions as to the time the egg should be boiled. A few minutes later the food was placed in front of him. The waitress saw him break the top of the egg, but noticed that he made no attempt to eat it. “Anything wrong, sir ? ” she asked. “ Hasn’t the egg been boiled long enough?” “ Yes, quite long enough,” replied the customer, “ but not soon enough.” LESS FORTUNATE. A couple, of gentlemen had spent a very cheery “ night out ” together, and when they met a few days later they compared notes. “ That was a night and no mistake,” said one of them. “Do you know I finished up in the police station ? ” “Lucky dog!” said the other with bitterness in his voice. “ I found my wav home ! ” A GOOD SUGGESTION. For the third time in one week Mr Sorely had arrived home from business and discovered that his wife was out and the evening meal had not been prepared. “ Look here,” he complained, when she finally put in an appearance. “ this can’t go on. You women will be playing bridge all day, starting at nine in the morning and ending at midnight.” “Well, now,” said his wife, “what a novel idea ! I’ll suggest it at the next committee meeting of our Bridge Club.” CERTAINLY! Art English actor arrived in New Y’ork to undertake an engagement. His agent in that city , intimated that the play was “ opening ” in Chicago. The actor went off to the railway station where he asked for a ticket to Chicago. “Do you want to go by Buffalo ? ” asked the clerk. “Good heavens, no,” said the actor; “ by rail, if you please.” FITTING HERSELF. Parent: “My daughter has obtained a position in a lawyer’s office. She starts on the first.” Friend : “And in the meantime is she doing anything to fit herself for the work ? ” Parent : “ Yes, she is reading ‘ Bertha, the Beautiful Blonde Stenographer.’ or ‘The Mystery of the Broken Collar Stud.’ ” AS BAD AS THAT. A gay but elderly lady gave a party to which she invited a number of stage people. As two actors were watching the indefatigable lady enjoying herself, one said to the other : “ I see that someone has just kissed our hostess under the mistletoe. Would you care to take it on ? ” “ Laddie,” replied the other, “ with all due respect, I wouldn't kiss her under an anaesthetic.” DECISIVE. A woman went into a shop and wanted to buy some goods on credit. The shopkeeper decided to call up another merchant and ask if the woman was reliable in the matter of credit. The answer was short, sharp, and decisive. The other merchant said : “ This woman has been married three times. She still owes for two coffins and one wreath.” CUTTING. _A certain very rich man was generous, but did not like to be “ done.” On one of his visits to a fashionable resort, the hotel proprietor took advantage of his visitor’s wealth, and the bill he presented was exorbitant. The visitor, however, paid without a murmur. Then he said as he folded his receipt, “ By the way, have you any penny stamps ? ” “ Yes, sir,” said the manager. “ How many would you like ? ” “ Er—how much do you charge for them here ? ” asked the visitor blandly. HORRID THOUGHT. It was not until I had just got to school I thought, “ Oh, my goodness ! This is pretty tall — I stayed at Elizabeth’s party so late I’ve forgotten to do any homework at all ! ” ■ —lrene Heath, in Women's Weekly.

THE SAME THING. The funniest stories are sometimes the most artless. The other day a magistrate said to a costermonger “Do I understand, then, that you were acting as locum tenens for your colleague ? ” “No, sir,” replied the witness patiently. “I was pushin’ the other bloke’s barrer for him.” PROGRESS. An undergraduate home on vacation went to call on an aunt. She asked him how he was progressing at the university He said that he had done pretty well at rugger and had got his place in the college boat during the Lent races; also he expected to do rather well at tennis during the next term. “Oh,” said the lady, frigidly, “and haven’t you learned anything except Rugby, rowing, and tennis ? ” “ Oh, yes, aunt,” he said earnestly. “ Before I went ‘up ’ I could only play ordinary ‘auction,’ and now I’m quite decent at ‘ contract.’ ” OUT! Heard in a theatrical dressing room : An actor who was perhaps not as celebrated as he thought he was received an offer of a part in a new London show. Being in the provinces on tour at the time, the recipient of the offer replied by telegram : “ Will accept double what you offer. Otherwise count me out.” Next day he received a telegram which simply read : “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten —OUT.” HE WANTED HIS SHARE. Midnight ! _ Slowly the householder crept downstairs. Suddenly he threw open the drawing room door. “ Don’t move ” he cried, pointing a gun at the man who crouched by the trophy case. The burglar raised his hands. “ What’s in that sack ? ” asked the householder. The burglar lowered his hands and revealed a glittering array of silver cups and cutlery. “ Put them back on the sideboard at once,” ordered the other. “ Lumme, guv’nor,” cried the burglar, a pained look on his face, “ not all of it ! Be fair ! ’Arf belongs to the ’ouse next door.” PITTER, PATTER. Caller: “I’d like you to paint a portrait of my late uncle.” Artist : “Bring him in.” Caller : “ I said my late uncle.” Artist : “Well, bring him in as soon as he gets here.” o o o From a contemporary : “For Sale, 1538 12 h.p. coach-built saloon, £115.” Obviously the original Tin Elizabeth. o o o One of life’s most curious paradoxes is found in the fact that it is the loose who are most frequently tight. o o o Definition : A philanthropist is a man who, upon the call of charity, immediately puts his hand in his pocket .... anil keeps it there till the danger is past. o o o “ What makes you think I was intoxilast night ? ” “You were trying to get the cuckoo clock and the canary to sing a duet.” o o o You can’t get a shock from the modern wireless set —at least not until the programme begins. THE FRIEND. He seemed all faults to the passer-by, All blemish he seemed to the casual eye, For his raiment hung in a careless way, And to strangers little had he to say— But the lonely folks, when he stopped to call, Never noticed or mentioned his faults at all. The style which singles some men apart And labels them wealthy or wise or smart, He had never acquired, as so many do, But he was all friend to the ones he knew, And. strangely, the people who loved him best >■ Never bothered to notice how he was dressed. Those meeting him once could plainly see How careless and heedless a man was he; They could tell you when out of the room he’d gone The list of his failings, one by one; They could name all the faults to the final dot Which the people who loved him had lonoforgot. —Edgar A. Guest, in Tit Bits. IN THE SAME LINE. In Glasgow there is a public house owned by an ex-soldier. The walls of the saloon bar are adorned with pictures and portraits of Napoleon I. The Emperor is shown in practically every conceivable situation—reviewing his troops, paying his addresses to Josephine, retreating from Moscow, crossing the Alps, dining, sleeping, and even dying. A man walked into this house the other day. Turning to the barman, he said : “ Your proprietor seems to be a great admirer of Napoleon ? ” “ Why ? ” asked the barman. “ Well—all these pictures ” “ Oeh, aye ! ” replied the barman. “Ye see, once upon a time the boss-was a bit o’ a sc.jer too ! ” GREEN AND ORANGE. Two Irishmen (one from Ulster, the other from County Cork, and therefore of different religious views) men on St. Patrick’s Day and decided to drown all past differences in a friendly drink. “Well, begorrah,” said the man from Cork, “ what-will ye have ? ” “ It so happens that I’m on the 1 wagon ’ at present,” said the other pleasantly, “ but I’ll join you with pleasure. I’ll have an orangeade.”

“An orange-ade, will yez ? ” repeated the other fiercely. “All right, then, I’ll have a green Chartreuse, and be damned to ye.”

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. The poem called “ It Might Have Been ” — The saddest words of tongue or pen. But there is hope upon the hill, It carols in the mountain rill. Hope lifts a fair triumphant head Above each glowing flower bed. From out the robin’s feathered throat Hope flings a most exultant note.When night puts sombre garments by Hdpe hangs bright banners in the sky. Ours is a blest philosophy; We know what might have been can be ! —Anne Campbell, in Women’s Weekly. RIGHT. Little Lawrence was untidy. Though his mother made every effort to encourage him, he seldom folded or hung his clothes after he had undressed for bed. One day his mother came into his bedroom and saw his clothes scattered all over the floor. “I wonder who it was who did not fold his clothes before he went to bed ? ” she asked. Little Lawrence pulled the bedclothesover his head and answered : “Adam 1 ” NOTHING MORE. One of Sir W’. S. Gilbert’s blistering remarks is quoted by Seymour Hicks in his delightful memoirs “ Between Ourselves.” Gilbert was asked by the secretary of an amateur dramatic society at the end of a performance of one of his plays given for charity what he thought of the players of the club. Gilbert at once answered : “ Oh, it’s not so much a club as a bundle of sticks.” AN EASY GAME. Mrs Robinson would never take hsr husband’s golf seriously. She was one of those people to -whom all games ate an absolute mystery. One day she accompanied him to the links and followed him round, grumbling all the way. * At last he landed in a bunker, and spent some time floundering about in the sand. His wife sat down on the top of the bunker, opened a novel, and said, quite affably : “ You see, darling, I knew perfectly well you could do all your playing in one place if you wanted to.” HER PROTECTION. The golfer drove his ball from the tee, and to his consternation he saw it soar away, and almost hit an old lady who was sitting on the grass in the middle of the fairway. “ Don’t you know it’s very dangerous to sit there, madam ? ” he said, coming up to his ball. The old lady smilingly replied : “ It’s all right; I’m sititng on a newspaper.” DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT. “ Speeding the parting guest ” might be described as one of the negative virtues of hospitality. A woman rather overdid the part recently. She was saying good-bye to some visitors who bad long outstayed their welcome. “ It was so sweet of you to let us stay so long,” they said, with effusion. “ Oh. I’m so glad you’ve been,” she replied, with obvious relief. PROBABLY. In New Y’ork there is a very up-to-date clinic where each patient on entering is given a facsimile of the human frame. There are separate departments for “ Heart,” “ Lungs,” etc., and as he passes through these the chart is “ punched ” with a hole to show that he has received attention. One day a patient arrived at the last ward bearing an exceedingly well-punched chart. “ Gee whizz,” said the surgeon surveying it, “ you appear to be in pretty bad shape, young man. What are you going to do about it ? ’’ “ Oh.” said the patient resignedly, “ I’m going to try this chart-affair over on the pianola when I get home, and I expect it’ll play ‘Nearer my God to Thee.’” LOW BUILT. The proud owner of the baby car offered to take a friend into the country. The offer was accepted, and off they went at a very fair pace. After some time the friend turned to the driver and said : “ I say. old man. when do we reach the country ? ” “ Country ? ” replied the other. “ Why, we’re in the country now.” “ But hang it all,” said the passenger. “ all I have seen is that beastly wall on each side of us for miles.” “Wall, indeed!” said the owner; “ that the kerb ! ” MULTIPLICATION. Father took his small son to church. At one stage of the service the clergj’man announced : “We shall now sing hymn number two hundred and twenty-two. ‘ Ten thousand times ten thousand.’ Two hundred and twenty-two.” The puzzled lad nudged his parent. “ Dad,” he whispered, “do we have to work this out ? ” QUITE AN ERROR. The kind old gentleman came upon a small boy crying at the side of the road. “ What’s the matter, sonny ? ” he asked. “ 800-hoo ! " whined the boy. “ I saw a building on fire, and I went and pulled the fire alarm.” “ Well, now, that’s nothing .to cry about,” said the-old gentleman. “You did quite right. In fact, it was a noble action.” “N-no, it wasn’t,” same the tearful reply. “ The building was my school.” A WISE PRECAUTION. ( “Mr Styles,” said a vicar to his churchwarden one Sunday evening, “we had better take to-night’s collection before the sermon.” “ Indeed ! ” said the churchwarden. “ Why ? ” • “Well,” answered the vicar, “I am going to preach on the subject of economy ! "

UNFORTUNATELY. A clerk asked his boss if he might have a week’s holiday in order to get married. “ H’m,” said the chief, “if [ remember correctly, you had a week off last year for a similar purpose.” sir,” admitted the clerk; “but, unfortunately, sir, this time it is true.” THINGS THAT GO. My daddy’s hair goes, One hair every day-— Or two —or three—or four. His scalp is pink-rose, Where it simply won’t stay; We think that it’s going some more. W r e wish it would stop. He says he’s “ appalled. And’s losing it—sprig by sprig.” When none’s left on top Or the sides, lie’ll be bald. W e hope he will hire a wig ! —Andy Kauffman, in the Ladies’ Home Journal. NO WONDER. <t ® a . c h” said the youngster of six years, is this what you put on your hair ? ” ' Father stared aghast at the bottle in the boy’s hand. .. ‘‘J should think not, indeed,” he saidthat’s liquid glue ! ” “No wonder I can’t get my hat off,”' came the reply. A FAIR EXCHANGE. A young man came home from an examination and told his father that he had been awarded only sixty marks out of a possible hundred for mathematics „.. Young man,” said his father sadly, it 1 could only enter your maths, score for the monthly golf medal and you could return my monthly medal score for maths. I guess we’d both be about right.” RATHER PREMATURE. The doctor had been called in to attend upon a young woman. “Oh,” he remarked cheerfully after his examination, “ there’s not a great deal wrong with you. What you want more than anything else is a little sun and air." Oh, doctor.” said the girl in embarrassment, I’m not even engaged yet." PLENTY OF WIND. At a Highland games meeting on ? of tne competitors won four of the track events right off the reel. in congratulating him, said: “Ye’ll be tired. Jock.” Hoots, no,” replied Jock, “I’m just in grand fettle for the bagpipe contest noo. SOME AUTHORITY. . * really the boss in your house," inquired the friend. “Well, of course, Maggie assumes command of the children, the servants, the dog, the cat, and the canary, but I can say pretty much what I please to the goldfish. QUITE SO. Ihe plaint of a medium-handicap man : • driver in my hand and I'm all right. Give me a mashie and I’ll send '’J* le P’ n - Gimme a putter and 111 sink ’em. But shove a card and pencil into my hand I go all to bits.”