FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2894, 1 September 1909, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

I —"A man should think twLe< before he speaks." — '"And a woman three times before I she sings." i — "What did you think of that girl at j her coming-out party?" — '"Wei, to be per- [ fectly frank, I thought she'd better go I back." — Irate Lady : '"The difference between a cow and a milkman is that the cow gives pure milk." Milkman: '"Y-as, mum, but tho cow don't give credit." — Scotsman (to porter, whe has been about 20 minutes looking after his luggage) : "Man, I conseed-er ye've been verra obleegin'. Wull ye tak' a pinch o' snuff?" — "John, dear, do you believe in the ability of fortune-tellers to forecast avents truthfully?" — "No. One tokl me once that I would get married and live happily."' — '"Dorothy always begins a novel in the middle."— "What's that for?"— " Why, then she has two problems to be excited over — how the story will end and how it will begin." — Postman: "Bad luck, Mr Doolan ! Here's a black -edged letter for you." Labourer: "Begob! It*6 me .poor brother dead. Oi d know his handwritin' annywhere." — Miss Bountiful: "What do you mean by saying you were discharged from your last place for -,good behaviour?" Old George : "They tool- a month off my sentence." — His Aunt: "Willie, won't you be glad when your baby brother begins to grow up?" Willie: "Yes; it'll be a pleasure to see somebody else get licked around this house." — "What, Heinrich ! Drinking again ! I thought you intended to quit." — "Ach! dot ie so. Yes ; but in dter vords of der saying, 'Der ghost vas villing, but der meat vas feeble.' " — 'Hanks: "Bet a dollar cigar against a stogie that a prettj girl is coming down the street." Banks: "How can you tell?" Hanks: "Here comes the ugliest bull pup 1 I ever saw." 1 — Maude : "Mr Hardcash called on me , last night. He's the most engaging talker I I ever listened to." Clara: "Indeed! ] What did he say?" Maude: "He asked me | to marry him." — Mrs Hix: ''I don't take any sock in these faith cures brought about by the layin.g on of hands." Mrs Dix: "Well, 1 do. I cured my little boys of the cigarette habit that way." — 'Twas the age of the wireless telephone. "Gimme Z— double L— 79,054, quick!" eaid i j the patient subscriber, And as he listened! j this came right back at him from the exchange: "Air's busy !" — Bill : " 'Aye you 'card that old Jim 'ad i I stopped smoking?" Jack: "No." Bill: j j "Yes ; you see, " 'c's a little near-sighted, i i and the other day V emptied hie pipe into j a gunpowder barrel." I — A ladj asked the astronomer if themoon was inhabited. "Madam," he replied, i "I know of one moon in which there 'S I always a man and a woman."— "Which is j that?" — "The honeymoon." — "Pardon me," the photographer said, "but I think your smile is unnecessarily j broad. It will show all your -teeth." I "These teeth cost me £20," growled tho ' sitter. "I want 'em to show." I — "Has the son you sent away to college got his degree yet?" — "I should say 60. Why, he wrote last week that the faculty had called him in and given him the third degree. That boy's ambitious." — "But, Willie," said the bad boy's mother, "didn't your conscience tell you that you were doing wrong?" "Yes'm," replied Willie, "but, you 'know, you told me not to believe everything I hear." — Father : "And how are you getting on at school, Johnny?" Boy.: "Oh! I have learned to say Thank you' and 'If you please' in French." Father: "That is more than you ever learned in English." — "I would lay the world at vout feet." said the extravagant youth. "My dear sir," answered the haughty girl, "it ia there already. I don't see why you should assume credit for the law of gravitation." — They vere looking at a portrait of Catherine of Russia. Said the man : "What a remarkably strong and vigorous face she has !" Said the woman : "I wonder if her hair waved naturally?" —It was on an ocean steamer, and the weather was pretty rough. "Could you keep a secret?" tie whispered. "I am not quite sure about my being able to keep anything more," she replied doubtfully. — An old friend to a disconsolate widow : '"I hope your good husband was well propared to leave you?" The Widow (sobbing violently) : "Prepared? I should think so. He was insured in six companies." — The director of the Zoological Gardens was on his vacation. He received a note from hi 6 chief assistant, which closed thus: '"The chimpanzee seems to be pining for a companion. What shall we do until your return?" — Restaurantcur: "Nonsense. You'd neve., do for a waiter ; you look too dvspoptic. You'd ruin my busin-ess." Applicant: "Quite the reverse, sir. I'd wear a big placard reading, This man does not eat here." — "We have reversed the ordinary laws of Nature," said a witty United States Senator, speaking of himself and an almost preternaturally dignified colleague. "Blank has risen by his gravity ; I have sunk by my levity." — Practical Father : "Has thar young man who wants to marry you got any money?" Romantic Mise: "Money! He gave me a elii'stei diamond ring studded with pearls.'' Practical Father: '"Yes, 1 know; but ac he any money left"'" — The poetical young mar with soulful eyes was walking with his matter-of-fact biother by the -brcokside. "How the stroam fa^os in ite slumber I" he exclaimed. "Yps,'" answered his brother, '"and you would, too, if you bed was full of stones." — ''An artist,"' faid tho man with pointed j whiskeis, '"must nor think about mons>." "I suppose not," answered Mr TompJcin-. '"Every time 1 buy a picture the artist wants enough to keep him from thinking | about monoj for the rest of hi* life." | — He: '"I've come to a conclusion " She: '■ "What it it?" He: "I realised to-day that ! 'I ha\ c boon a bachelor for 38 jears, and " She: "Oh, Jack! ihi* i~ -o muldon." He: '"And I decided that I'd had a jolly 'ood time, ami that I'd keep it up." — Tri wet: '"Is this your advertisement in tho pa pci for a lost dog?" Dicoi : '"Yes." Tiiwet; '"Whj, you nevei had a dog to

lose." Dioer: "I know; but I want on*. now, and I think I can make a satisfactory selection from the animals the advertisement will bring in." '"I must tell you frankly," said a lawyer to his client, "that I do not see the slightest chance of your winning the case." — "Why?" — '"Because the law on the point is against I you." — "Is that all?" remarked the client. ''Ther- go ahead. The judges are not alj ways right." I — "Old man, you soe-m worried." — "Wor- | ried is no name for it. Brown is coming; 1 round at 4- o'clock 'to pay me £3." — "Think j he may not come?" — "Oh ! he'll come all 1 right; but Jones ie duo at 4.15 to try to ■ collect £2 I owe. him. Suppose he should j get here just as I was being paid by | Brown." ' — A young couple on their honeymoon are dallying languidly with the grapes at ; dessert : She (archly) : "And you .don't find it tiresome all alone with me? ' l You' 1 are quite sure you don't want to go back 'to your bachelor life again?" Ho' (earnestly) : "Quite, my darling Do yott 1 know, if you were to die to-night - V*& i get married again to-morrow morning!" | — Nurse: "Thai boy is here again. He saya his master is anxious to know- Jiow you are to-day " Dangerously Sick Man: j '"Heaven bless his master, whoever he may be! He is very solicitous about my health. Nurse, ask that boy who his kind-hearted \ master is." Nurse (returning) r^'He saya i his master ia Mr Plume,- the -i*n,dertaker just round the corner." .^ — Little Freddy had been^lnvited to a school fellow's birthday party. ' "Be sure and wash your face, Freddie!" his mother called. "Oh! all right," said the lad* and mumbled some other words. ""Whales that you were saying?" asked 4bis mother. 'X said, 'Are you sure that I need to •wasli?' for Bob told na^, that the party was going to be quite an informal affair !" — Sprigg went to a noted physician to ask advice as to his health. In pompous tones he addressed the doctor: "I — aih — have come to — ah- — ask you — ah — what — what is — ah — the doosid matfcaw with mo — ah !" "1 find jour heart is affected," said the physician gravely. "Oh !— ah — anything else — ah?" — '"Yes; youar lungs a-re affected, too." — "Anything — ah — else— eh?" "Yes ; jour manners are also affected." — Professor (in a medical college, exhibiting a patient to his class) : "Gentlemen, allow me to call your attention to this unfortunate youth. It is impossible for you to guess Wihat is the matter with him. Examine the shape of his head and the expression of his eyes, and you are none the ' wiser for it. But that :s: s not strange; it takes years of experience and constant study to tell at a glance, as I can, that he is deaf and dumb." Patient (looking up with a grin) : "Professor, ) am very sorry, but my brother, who is deaf and dumb, couldn't come to-day, so I came in his place." — "Where are your tickets?" fiftked tho man at the turnstile at the big football match to a line of youths who confronted him in Indiar file. "It's all right," shouted a young fellow at the tail end of the line; "I've got the tickets. There's. 12 of us with me. Count them as they go in!" "in you go," saXd -the ticket,collector, and he counted off 11, who immediately mixed with the .crowd within. Then, he turned to look Ux the holder of the tickets, but he bad disappeared, and 11 youths saw the match free, safe from identification n the tremendous throng of people.