FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2894, 25 August 1909, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

— Ths Court: -"Six years' hard labour. You'll get a chance to learn a trade, my man." Burglar: "Couldn't I be permitted to Jearn it — cr — by correspondence?" — Overdressed Youth : "I say, my man, would you like to drive me to Piccadilly?" -Cabby: "I shouldn't mind, old sport, only I don't fink fche 'arness would fit yer !" — Mrs Smart: "Be sure and come. You'll meet quite a number of pretty women." Mr Carte tgallantly) : "Yes; but it will not be for the pretty women that 1 will >*ome, but for you." —Mr Dolan: "What did Od do wid me hat, Bridget?" Mrs Dolan: "Yez lift it on yer head, Moike." Mr Dolan: "Begorra, the next thing Oi will be Wving me head me hat." . *- -rrThe Lady Golfer (to new boy): "Have you evei been a caddie before?" The New Caddie (knows his business): "That's all right, lady. Swear as much as you please; don't mind me." . • — i/ucy: "How i& it hhat you are going to marry Mr Oldtime? Why, he is three times your own age!" Ellen: "Yes, I know ; and that maikes him a perfect match for my antique- furniture." , — Master: "Goodness me, whatever are vwu doing, looking -for an^ escape of gas with. a. lighted match? Why, yon'll blonr. the house, -up." JiHandy Man : 'It* all tight,- «ir, Ishey're safety matches." •* Dear>- frreatfa*®" (speaking metaphorically): "That .absurd Maud Foreyth can't see an inch -before -her nose." The Other Dear Creatore {speaking' cpite&Hy) : "Perhaps ahe is da*sled. by its. brilliance." _ ■■ - — She : "Did you have a pleasant evening at Gfyboy'e?" He : , "Glorious." — "What did you dor' — "That's just like a woman. How could it have been a • glorious time if I could remember any tihing we did?", • — Wiggles : "I hear Bjenks has been very ill. Is he out of danger yet?" Waggles: "Well, he's convalescent; but he won't be out of danger unitLLihat pretty nurse who has been taking care of him has gone away." — Skinflint : "Where's my change, waiter?" Waiter: "There ain't any, sir. It's my tip." Skinflint: "But I didn't tell you to keep, it!" Waiter:, "That doesn't matter, sir. I'm forgetful' myself, sometimes V_' —An aristocratic papa, on beint, requested by a rich and vulgar young fellow for permission to marry "one of hi© girts," gave this rather crushing reply : "Certainly. Which would you prefer, the nursemaid -or the cook?" . / — Wealth is most envied, but least enjoyed ; health is frequently enjoyed by the least envied, yet the poorest man would not part with his health for' money, but the, richest would gladly part with his money for health. * — Newed (after the ceremony) : "Dearest, do you really think I'll prove* a satisfactory mate?" Mrs Newed: "Oh, I. guess you'll do as a mate "all right. look me ovier and me. what you think of your captain." — Crabbe : "To-day, for tibe first time, I , was really deligihted to hear my neighbour's piano going.". Friend t worth listening to, 1 suppose?"-" Crabbe: "I should" say so. I , heard' bhe fcire;purchase uteri taking it away." " , —In the temporary absence of 6be beauty editor' this qu>ast:on was iharaded by -mistake to the sporting editor: — "How should one get rid of superfluous hairs on the upper lin?" — "That's easy," he wrote in reply. "Push the young man away." — "No," said Miss Passay, "I don't like the photos Kanorer made of me. They make me look like a woman of forty." — "Well," replied Mrs Peprey, "you should have told him not to touch tibexn up if you didn't want them to look so youthful." > — O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black -xape- around his hat. "Why, Mike," -exclaimed his wife, "wha,t are you wearing that mournful jthing for?" — "I'm wearing it for your first' husband," replied Mike" firmly; "I'm sorry he'* dead." — Mrs Snobbington (anxiously) : "But, my dear son. Is Miss Smith, to whom you are so strangely attracted, of an old family?" Head-strong Sor : "Yes, mother ; she told m<3 she has every reason to believe that some of .her ancestors were really- "prehis- I toric." /"■ — Angry Father-in-Law : "Didn't you tell me when you married my daughter that you were worth forty thousand pounds?' r Son-in-law : "No, sir ;' I said that I could lay my hands on forty thousands pounds ; but had I done so I should now be in gaol." — "That -will do.'' said. an irate lady to her Irish "general." "You will leave now, and you needn't bother we about a recommendation." — "Faix," replied the girl, "Oi have no intintion o' ijivin' ye a recommindation! Oi'H tell the truth about ye to ivery jrirl thot axes roe !" ; — Miss Oldgirl : "When $&pa came in the parlour last night he found' me in Charley Smart's arms." Miss Newgirl; "I guess that 'accounts for what he said to my father this morning." Miss Oldgirl : "What did he say?" Miss Newgirl: "He said Charley Smart had an old head on young- shoulders." — Lazy Lewis: "1 wuz told dat de farmer wot lives on dat hill paid his (hands jist de same whedder dey worked or not, 6o I went an' hired t' him." Tired Thomas: "Den youse played off pick, I reckon?" Lazy Lewis: "Yep r an' at de end ov de month I found dat he never paid nobody nothin' no how." -^-Wiggle?: "Arabella, darling, may I kiss you?" Arabella: "Yes, sweetest, but Jckis me on the left cheek, please." Wiggles (doing so) : "And may I ask, dearest, why the left cheek *r" Littie Brother (poking his head through the door) : "Because Jack Waggles has been kissing- the- right cheek all th-e- afternoon, aud it's tared." — A small boy Willie met his still smaller frientJ Jim. He want«>d advice. "I have to take a girl to bafche," he said; "tell me what I must do." — "Oh," replied Jim, "take her hand, put your arm round her waist, and kad her gently into the water." — '-Kof likely." ajisw«ivid Willie: "sheVmy sister."— "Oil, in that case," said Jim, "just shove her in." — A lady who prided herself on her golden hair _was engaged in spring-cleaning one day last week, and wisely covered up her radiant locks with a handkerchief. Noting the look of astonishment on the usually placid face of her servant she explained that the covering was necessary to' keep h^r hair free from dust, and was met with the response: "Yes, mum, that's the worst of 'ginger/ ain't itj"- i

— Jenkins : "Well, sir, I gave it to thaf man straight, I can tell you. He is twice as big as I am, too, but | told him exactly. What I thought of nis rascally conduct- right to his face, and I -ialkd him all the name© in the dictionary, and a Jot of others as well." Studds: "And didn't he try to hit you, Jenkins?" Jenkins: "No, sir, he didn't. And when he- tried to answer back I just hung" up the telephone receiver and walked away."

— Kind-hearted Maiden (fishing for a. stray penny in her purse) : "I suppose you poor, blind people feel your misfortune keenly?" Blind Mendicant: "Yes, indeed 1 . The Lord only knows how I miss the pleasure of being able to look into the beautiful faces of phe handsome and lovely ladies •who are kind enouiph. to donate " Kindhearted Maiden (fishing out a. emiHng): "Here, poor fellow, take this. I'm sure you are deserving." x - -

— A crotchety o'd farmer had troublewith his neighbour, and as a. -result sought his solicitor. "I want yeow ter write him a letter an' tell him tihis here foolishness he* ' got ter stop," he declared firmly. "I know; what I want ter stfy, but I ain't got the> larmn' ter put it just right. "—"What do you want to say?" the lawyer -asked. "Waal, begin by tsllin' him the* fee's the blackest, lym'est, thieven'est, iow-downest on airth— and then -work i|ip." .— Willie- had swallowed a. halfpenny, *ncl jbis mother -was in «. state of much alarau ''Helen," she called -to hex sister in die. next room, "send for * doctor ; Willie .h** swallowed * halfpenny •!• The terrified sad frightened boy looked up imploringly.— '!No, mamma.-" "h©. interposed, "send for the minister. "—"The - minister?" asked hia mother uxveiktletesiV. 'Did- you "«ay «b» minister?".— "Yes ; because- papa says our mwweter can get Jboney out of anybody." — Having read the notice, "Smart errand boy wanted," a youth entered the shop and interviewed the head of « grocery firm. Prim* facie everything was satisfactory, and the. lad was asked to get a written, character from his schoolmaster. Be- did not torn up again. On the following day. the grocer met the boy in the street. "WeU; have you got youi character, my lad?" — Naow," sadd the boy with a merry twinkla in has eye, ."I've gotten yours, an' I'm no comm .

- "I say, Jack," said William, "whilst ia a. restaurant the other dey I noticed two -fathers and two eons at lunch. The charge being 9d per head, what do you think the bill totalled? Now, think the matter over carefully. "—"Well, there is no difficulty in that bill; why, of course, la," answered* Jack promptly.— "You are wrong Jack. The bill amounted to only 2a 3d."— "How do you account for that?"— " Why, there wera only three persons— father, son, and grandfather. Three at 9d per head «s & 3d." — In a certain village the minister was in the ihabitxof calling at the school *nd •?£ ttm # the scholars through their facings. One day he was cross-questioning a boy. when he happened to ask him if there were, any prophets nowadays. 73tie was a poser for. the yow«> as welt as lor the whole class amd dead silence feigned, tffl a fir%2tt boy) "" the only eon of a. pushing tradesman,, exteodedhis nand eagerly towards the min/etCT - ,„ «fi J m y l4M *> are t^e any prophete ~7, Yes ' ***'' ffllWl profits and <mck -Tpfcurns. was the triumphant response!