MR DOOLEY ON KINGSHIP.

Otago Witness, Issue 2892, 18 August 1909, Page 79

MR DOOLEY ON KINGSHIP.

"Well, sir," said Mr Dooley, "onaisy lies th' crown on army king's head thesa days, rh' time was -whin it was me ambition, or wan iv thim, to be s king. Arly, in life I'd' committed the youthful folly iv bein' born outside iv th' countliry. an' so I cuddent be Prisidint. But it don't make army diff'rence what counthry a king comes from, so long as he don't com© £r'm th' counthry -nrhere foe's king. 'No natives need apply' is th' motto. If a counthry is 6o bad off that it has to have a long they sind a comity down to Ellic Island an* pick' out a good healthy Scandinayyan, make him throw away his ' wooden "shoes an' bather cap, an' proclaim nim King, Definder iv th' Faith. Kings are t??' on'y assisted immygrants that are let in. Th' King iv England is a German, th' King iv Italy is a Sardine, th' King iv Sweden is a Fr-rinchman, an' all th' otnei kings an' queens are Danes, excipt th' King iv Demark, an th' Lord knows what he is.

"But th' low taste iv kings has rooned th' busmes as a pursoot fr gintlemen, an' to-day I'd think twict befure takin' tb? job. 'Tis as preecaryous as a steeplejack's. If a ting goes out an* looks haughty, some wan iv his subjicks fires a gas-pipe bomb at him, aoa' if he thries to be janial he's li'ble to be slapped on th* back in th' paddock an' called 'Ed.'

"Look at me frind Abdul Hamad Whin. ' I dhreained iv bein' king, eometim.es I let > me mind run on till J had mesilf promoted to be a Sultan iv Turkey. There, ma[ 1 boy, was a job that always plazed me. " It was well paid, it looked to be permanent, an' I thought it about th' best! V situation in tb' wurruld. Th' Sultan was a kind iy a combination iv Pope an' King. If he -didn't like ye he first excommuni-i cated ye, an* thin he sthrangled ye.. l There, thinks I to mesilf, there he sets, > th' hanpy old. ruffyan, on a silk embroil t- dhere£ founge, in his liand-wurruked slip< ■ pers, with his legs cnrled up undher him^ J a turban on his nead. a crooked soord in \ his lap,_ a pitcher iv sherbet (which is th* i J dibrink in thim parts) at his elbow, a pipe* : stem like t hose in bis hand, whiltf 1 nightingales whistle in th' cypress threes ' in th' garden, an' beautiful Circassyari ' j ladies dance m front iv him fair fr'm his; | madding throng iv wives, as th' poet says. I Whin th' Sicrety iv tb' Threasury wants to repoort to him he starts fr'm his office on his stomach an' wriggles into; th' august presence. 'What is it ye want, oh, head iv lignum vity?' sayt th' Suiltan. 'Bark f'r th' ladies,' says he with at chuckle. 'Oh, descind-ant iv th' Pro- | Prophet, whose name be blest ! Oh, sun( ■ an' moon an stars, whose frown is death 1 ! an whose smile is heaven to th' faithful.' 'Don't be so familyar with me first name,'' says th' Sultan, 'but go on with! ye're contimptible supplication,' says he. 'Yer slave,' says th' , Sicrety iv th* Threasury fr'm th' flure, 'is desthroyed with grief to tell ye that afther etandin'th' intire empire on -"ts head he's been ortable to shake out more thin two millJ&on piasthres f'r this week's expinses iv ye'er awfulness,' says he. ' What ! ' say* th' Sultan. 'Two millyon! piasthres — < har'ly enough to buy bur-rd-seed f'r ma bulbils,'- says he. ' How dare ye come into me august prisince with such an insult? Lave it on th' flure f'r th' boy, that sweeps up, oh, ©on iv a tailor.' he says, an' he gives a nod, an' fr'm behind a curtain comes Jawn Johnson with litt!« on hinvaai' th' next thing ye hear iv th 1 faithless Minister is a squeak an' a splash., He rules be lore alone, thinks I ; an* feelin' that life without love is useless auuybody ' that don't love him can go and) get measured f'r a nameplate and be sura; he'll need it befure th' price is lower . His people worship him, and why shndden't they? He allows thim to keep all 1 th' dogs they want ; he proticts thim fr'm dissolute habits be takin' their loose money fr'm thim, an' ivry year he gives thim an Axmeenyan massacree, which is a great help to th' cigareet business in this counthry. " ' Happy Abdul,' thinks I. 'If I cud be a haythen an' was a marryin' man, 'tis yer soft spot I'd like to land in f'r me declinin' days.' " Well, sir, I was wrong. I knew I was wrong tb minyit I see a pitcher iv Abdul Hamid in th' pa-aper — a snapshot, mind ye! Think iv that, will ye? D'ye suppose a Sultan or a King that knew his thrade wud ivei let aimywan take r snapshot iy him? "Up to th' time Abdul Hamid winfc thrapezin around .Constantinople in a hack an' liavin' his pitcher took be amachoor phot ty grafters bis job was secure. Up to that time whin wan Turk talked to an. other about him they talked in whispers. 'What d'ye suppose he's like,. Osman?'save wara. 'Oh me, oh my,' says th* ofcjier, ' but he's th' tur-rble wan. They say his voice is like thunder, an' lightnin' shoots fr'm his eyes that wud shrivel th' Kkes iv ye an' me to a cinder.' But whin Abdul be damid, as th' potes call him, made th' mistake iv pokin' his head ou* iv th 1 palace 'twas diff'rent. ' Well, who d'ye think I sea to-day but th' Sultac. i tell ye I did. What is he likef He ain't much to look at — a skinny little man, Osman, that ye cud sthrangle between yer t&umb' -an* 'forefinger. He had' a bad cold an' was sneezin' He wore a hand-me-down coat. He has a wen on th' back iv has neck, an' he's cross-eyed. Here's a pitcher iv Mm.' 'What, that littie runt? Ye don't mean to say that's th' Sultan. Why, he looks like th' fellow that stops me ivry; day on th' corner an' asks me have I army old clothes bettiip.r

thin what I have on An' to think iv th' likes iv him rulin' over th' likes iv us. (Let's throw him out.' 'Twas th' pitchers done th' business f'r Abdul. Wan day a captain an' a squad iv polio backed th' .ivaggon up to th' dure iv th' palace an rung th' bell. 'Who's there?' says th : Flultan, stuffin' th' loose change into his

shoe- 'Th' house is pulled,' says th' captain 'Yer license is expired. Ye'd betther come peaceful,' he says. An they bust in th' dure, an' th' Sultan puts a shirt an' a couple iv collars into a grip an' selicts iliven iv hi- lea=t formid-able wives to go along with him. an' they put on their bonnets an' shay. Is an' carry

out their bux'rd cages an' their goold fisl an 5 their fancy wurruk, an' th' pathro waggon starts off, an' has to stop so thailiven iv thdan can go back an' get some thing th«y f'rgot at th 1 last moment, an th' ex-Obmanander iv th' Faithful says ' Did ye iver know wan iv thim to tx ready, cap. ? ' an' th' captain says ' They're all alike, Dock ' ; an' th mighty potentate to a two-etorey fram< house. If that's th' kind iv a job i Sultan has I'll lave it f'r aimywian to tak< that wants it. Instead iv lollin' on t sofy an' listenin' to th' song iv th mockin' bir-rds in th' pommygranite tree< while ladies fr'm th' chorus iv ' rh' Blacl Crook ' fanned him with fans iv peacoci feathere, th' mis'rable old haythen trai locked up in a garret with a revolver ir his hand ready to shoot annywan that come- next or near him. He suffered fr'm dyspepsia an' he cudden't sleep nights. Be cud ate nawthin' stronger thia milk toast. H© was foorced be fashion's whim to have five hundhred wives whin wan was abundant. Take it all in all, he, lea a, dog's life, an' I bet ye he's happyer now where he is, wathrin' th' geeranyums, mowin' th' lawm, an' eneakin' into Constantinople iy a Saturday night an T seem CiTcassyan girls dancin' f'r th' first time in his Hfe. His childher are all grown up an' safe in -jadl, he has four hundhera an' edghty-nin.9 ]«?s wives, but iliven are a good ananary in th." .suburbs ; he has put away a few piaethres f r a rainy day, out-iv-dure life may imprive his health, an I shuddent wondher iv ye'd read some day in th' pa-aper : 'At th' Stambouj County fair th' first prize f'r Poland Chiny hens was won by A. Hamid, th poplar ex-Sultan.' " — Manchester Guardian.