FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2892, 11 August 1909, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

I — Some men never succeed because they ' are afraid of doing more than their share. — People will nearly always tell the truth when they can make something by doing it. — The price of theatre tickets often accounts for a man's suddenly-acquired domestic tastes. — " She says he is not such a good catch after all."— " She says that, eh? He must have dropped her." — Before marriage a man asks but for one little word, afterwards he gets plenty without the asking-. — The man who becomes famous usually does so through the efforts of others to • prove that he isn't. ;— Generally a man who thinks he is witty is about as successful at entertaining you as a nail in your shoe. > —The average man seems to think the best way to get ahead in the world is to hold some other fellow back. | — The longer a man studies the curves of a decanter the closer he is apt to imitate them on his homeward journey. «— Mrs Bordem: "I ordered lamb, and you sent me mutton." Butcher: "It was lamb when it left here, mum." — Some people seem to think they are charitable because they dream of giving away money — and let it go at that. ■"- " I'm weary of being a bachelor girl." — "Well?" — "Do you know of anj fellow who's tired of being a spinster man ? " — " What an unmitigated flatterer that Mr Sawftley is." — ".Why, dear, did he say you were pretty? "—"No j but he said you were." — Mrs Hicks: "My husband has been just lovely to me all day." Mrs Wicks: " H'm. What was it you caught him doing?" | — There are some people whose religion i wouldn't fool the most credulous person on earth, but thej expect the Lord- to swallow it. — " The alligator swallowed him." — "An' did they kill the 'gator?" — "No; they thought that swallerin' him. was punishment enough." — "What sort of a man is he?" — "Oh, one of those fussy fellows who always carry ! their money in a purse and' their matches ! in a silver case." > — "How about my letter of proposal?" "demanded the young M.P. "It has been advanced to a second reading," answer&J the haughty belle. — Teacher: "Why did King Richard offer his kingdom for a horse? " Bobby Bright : - " I suppose because his automobile had broken down." — Lady : " You look robust. Are you equal bo the task of sawing wood?" Tramp : " Equal isn't the word, mum. I'm superior to it. Good morning." — " He voiv-ecl lie would love me alwaj-s, fio matter what happened." — "WelL?" — "And got mad five minutes later because I had 1 a pin in my belt." — " Do you ever write on an empty stomach?" asked the mere man. "Sir!" exclaimed the literary person. "I am poet, not a tattoo artist! " — She : " 1 think you might stop smoking whan you heard me say I don't like it." He : " That's no reason. I heard you say you didn't like to be kissed." — " He has a mighty strong imagination " for a real estate dealer." — '' Yes. He'd lay out an allotment in Mars and get husky cracking up the canal privileges." — There's hardly a man w.ho doesn't liko to pretend when he goes to a restaurant that he's so well known there they always try to do something special for him. — " What is the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? "—"" — " A pessimist is always thinking of his liabilities, while an optimist thinks only of his assets." —"I kept my husband on a string five years before I consented to marry him.'* — "Why so long?" — "Well, you see, I waited until I could see his way clear financially.'' — " Whatever made you make Brackins a present of a pocket comb? He's ac bald as a bilSard ball." — "That's just it. I -want to make him think I never noticed!

— " Some people can make even the most commonplace subject interesting," said tha loquacious youth. " Yes," answered Misj Cayenne. "Do tell me something of yourself." - —" It seems his uncle fell out of an hotel window " — "Gracious! Any bones broken?" — "Not one." — "No?" — "Xo; he was merely drowned. It happened in Venice." — Her face fell suddenly, and she gave an exclamation of annoyance. But it was too late to repine. Her whole body accompanied her face. She 4ad stepped on come banana peel ! ■ — A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her husband, ancl concluded by eajing: '"Did he leave you very much?" — " Xearly every night," ■was tha reply. —'• Ethel's, a horrid tnin;?! "— " Why, I thought you vere friends." — " Well, we aren't any more. She has a more hideous hat thar mine, and I'd told my milliner to go the limit." — Blobbs : " A scienti-t has claimed to discover that a year on Mars is equal to t»'o of our years." Slobbs : "What a circh for the Haitian women. They don't ha\o to lie about their a^es." — Profes=or (coming home late) : " Drat it ! there vas something I wanted to '10. What on earth was it? " (After thinking about it half an hour) : " Aha ! now I know — I wanted to go to bod." — Mistress: '" 1 c hould like; to know what busine?-. that polu eman had in my kitchen every night in t!ie woe^i? " Cook: " riea=e, | mum, I think he's suspicions of me nc- ! glectir.' me work or somcthin'." ! —Old Sixanaite: '"Why <lo you fool that ' jour client will lo^c his ca*o? Ha-\ c you exhausted every means at your disposal to " Young Brieflj : "No; but I have exhausted all tho means at hi< disposal." — Mamma: "Hole i«, the baby's picture. Doesn't he look sweet?"' Papa: "Yes, indeed ! I must go to sse the photographer at once."' Mamma: "What for?" Papa: I '"I want to nnd out how he got baby to look that v>ay."' I — " Tho longer \ live," fished the sage, ' "and the more I learn, the more firmly am I convinced that I know absolutely no- , thing!" — "I could ha\e told you that 25 1 years ago," said his wife, " but I knew it would be of no use." — Lady (sitting for portrait): " An-1 make my mouth small, will jou— ever c o fiinall? I know it i<3 largo, really, but make ' it quite tiny, will \ou?" Artist (politely) :

$l Certainly, madam. If you prefer it, I will leave it out altogether." i*- " Say," said the irate victim, "you advertised that the house was five minutes' j walk from the station." — "Well?" replied ' the agent. "Why, it's nearly 30 minutes!" ; —^"Ah, then, as we said farther on in the , adVertisement, it is more than we claimed." I —First Farmer: "Blest if I think the \ Agricultur.il Department is any good at all!" Second Farmer: "What's the I trouble? " First Farmer : " Well, I wrote J to 'em. to find, out how high wheat was goin-' up to, an' I couldn't get no satisfaction at all." — Magistrate: "Have you ever been sentenced to punishment before? " Prisoner : " Yes, I had to pay £2 once for striking a man.'* Magistrate: "Was there any other time?" Prisoner: "JMo — yet stay. It comes to my mind now that I was once in gaol for 15 years." — Justice* Walsh: "How old are you?" Witness (a lady) : " Thirty." Justice Walsh: "Thirty? I have heard you give I the same age in this court for tho last i three years." Witness : " Yes ; 1 am not one of those persons who say one thing today and another to-morrow." ! — The same strange " something " that ! prompts some persons to say "Yes" in answer to the question, " Are you asleep? " may have influenced the fowl-stealer in the following story : — It was a dark night, and the owner of. the chicken-coop, gun 'n hand, was investigating certain suspicious noises he had heard. '"'Who's in there?" he called. "Ain't nobody here except us chickens." — A newsboy in Paris woe selling papers near an omnibus, tempting the passengers by sensational announcements of news. He had something, apparently, for every kind of reader, but he kept his most remarkable item for a priest who locked over the edge of the 'bus. "Le Matin, monsieur ! " Then— in shrill, triumphant accents — "Divorce dv Pape!" ' — A clergyman- exercised his influence and got the sentence of a condemned prisoner commuted. "Tho gratitude of the man," said the clergyman, " knew no bounds. He called me his deliverer, and • Here,' said he, as he grasped my hand at parting, ' here is your Bible. I may as well return it you, for I hope that J shall never want it again.' " — "This," 6miled the fond' young wife, as she passed a plate of dessert to her husband, "is cottage pudding. I made it myeelf." The man tasted it. "I'd have known it was cottage pudding," he assorted." You would?" she asked, delighted. '• Yes. I can taste the plaster and the wall paper. What did you do with the bricks and the soot of the chimney? " — A peer who was the master of a fine hunting pack died, and his widow refused to let the hounds go out. Whereupon a friend asked a former Chief Justice of England, who was himself a huntsman, whether any harm would be done if the hounds were allowed to ran with pieces of crape round their neoks. "I can hardly think that even crape is necessary," was the l^eply. "It would be sufficient if the hounds were in full cry." —A . doctor, visiting a small countrytown, went over the local museum. After admiring one or two of the exhibits, the curator, who was an old man, said: "Ah, but we have a chair here that belonged to Louis Cross Eye." — " Oh ! " said the doctor. " Who was he? "—"" — " Don't you know, sir? Why, he was one of the Kings of France!" — "King of France-? Louis Cross Eye? There must be some mistake. Show me the chair." The old man promptly complied, and pointed with conscious pride to a ticket, inscribed: "Once the property of Louis XI." — A short time ago a young man, very well dressed, was sitting in. the orchestra of a theatre in Paris. In the middle of the play he drew a large pistol from hia coat jacket, and, to the horror of the audience, directed it on an actress who was making her appearance. His neighbours seized hold of his arm, but he managed to free himself from them, and deliberately pointed the pistol at their heads without saying a word. The women shrieked and took to flight, the men lowered their heads in order to escape the impending danger, while others more courageous hastened to throw themselves on him. Suddenly he turned tho pistol towards himself, and held it before his mouth. Great anxiety. Then, placing it between his teeth, he bit a piece off. It was made of chocolate 1