FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2817, 4 March 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

— He: "Mabel, you grow more beautiful e\ery day!" She (pleased): "Oh, Jack, >ou do exaggerate!" He: "Well, then, every other day ! " — "Ha;. Smith proposed me as a member of the club yef!"~ "Yes; he handed in your nomination and his own resignation at the same time !'' — "The corporation ha 3 resolved^ to lay out a park here."— "Are the preparations begun ?'•— "Yes. The 'Keep off the grass' boards are all ready." — "Your last book, madam, had a colossal success."— "l should say so! | Everyone of my threo divorced husbands wanted to remarry me!" — Patienoe: "What does it mean by bemg married at "high noon'? Do you known?" Patrice: "Oh, yes! It means taking a 12 to 1 chance." — Dense : "Knocker called me a dilapidated old mule. What shall I do?" Sense: "Well, don't come to me about it. I am no veterinary surgeon." — "Why are you crying, my boy?" — "Because Billy slapped me."— "But why didn't you slap him back?"— " Because then. it would only be his turn again." Whenever I see a man Writ© his name upon the glass. I know he owns a diamond, And hie father owns an ase! — Judge : "Prisoner, have you anything to say to the court before sentence is pronounced?" Prisoner: "I beg the court to consider the youth of my attorney." — A gentleman who had a Highland servant once asked her the time, and got this answer: "It's 10 meenits past 10, and the clock's 10 meenits fast, an' it's stannin'." — Thrifty : "Mamma, can Igo to bed an hour earlier than usual to-night? " "An hour earlier! What for?"— "I want to say my prayers for three weeks ahead.' — Naybor : "That boy of yours eeema to be a bright one. He'll cut out a name for himself some day." Popley (angrily): "He's done it already— on our new piano." (( — Father (meditating on time's changes) : "Ah, yes, the fashion of this world passeth away ! Daughter : "Indeed it does, papa ! 1 shall want a new hat next week.'' — Mother (policeman's wife) : "WSllie I've been shouting for you this half -hour. How is it you are never here when you are wanted?" Son: "Well, mother, I suppose I take after father." — The Prima Donna: "Why don't you give the part to my daughter? She sings beautifully. She hae inherited my voice." Manager: "That so? I've often wondered what became of your voice." — Beggar: "No, sir, I don't want money; I want work." Gentleman: "All right. I'll give you work." — "Thanks. Would yer mind advancing me 5s on w& wages ter bind the bargain?" — Mother (sternly): "And have you «?oe engaged to Mr Green without my permission? You know I don't approve ofhim." Daughter (cheerfully) : "That's all right, ma; ho doesn't approve of you either." - — "Why don't you try to drive that horse without profanity?" — "It wouldn't do any good," answered the canal -boatman. "It ain't fair to the 'orse to ask it to start at its time o' life to learn * lot o' polite words." — A man dropped his wig in the streor. and a boy who was following olose behind him picked it up and handed it to him. "Thank you, my boy." said the owner of the wig; "you are the first genuine hair restorer I've ever seen." — Physician (looking into his ante-*oom, where a number of patients are waiting): "Who has been waiting the longest?" Tailor (who has called to present his bill): "I have, doctor. I delivered the clothes to you three years ago." — Smith : "Did you tell your wife you wouldn't be home till late?" Robinson (carelessly): "Certainly." — "You did?"— "Yes, I should think so."— "And what did she say?"— " Well, as soon as I had told her I rang off the telephone." — First Keeper: "What do you think o* thae folk. Duncan ?" 'Second Keeper : "Jist -naething at all. If yin o' them's no* explainin' how he cam' to mi6s them, the ither's makin' me rin my dog off his legs lookin' for birds he's never touched at all !" —"I think the baby has your hair, ma'am," said the nursegirl, looking ploasantlv at her mistress. "Gracious!" exclaimed the lady, glancing up from her novel. "Run into (he nursery and take it away from him. What will that child do next?" — "Mamma." said little Elise, 'do mtn ever go x> heaven?" — <f Why. of course, - ihv dear. What makes you ask?" — "IVcause I npver see anr pictures of angels ■with whiskers." — "Well," said the mother, thouirlitfullv, "some men do ero to heaven, but they get there by a clo^p shave." — Lady Philanthropist : "Why are vnn he^e, my good fellow?" Prisoner: "For being a good follow, mum. Wen I wins hore before me time wasn't really up till June, but they turned me out in January on account of me pood behaviour, an' I had tor steal an overcoat ter keep warm." — The second course of the table d'hota ■was being served. "What is this leathery stuff?" demanded the cornulent dinsr. "That, -ir. is fillet of solo," replied tho waiter. "Take it away." 6aid the corpulent diner, "and see if you can't get me a nice tender piece of the upper, with the buttons removed." — There are some verses I wrote," said the innocent young man. laving tho pap-^r on the editor's d^sk. "You may give me iust what you think they are worth." — "But T have not the author ity to give you what they deserve." replied the man with the pen. "Remember, lam an editor, not a masnVtrate." — Something Quite X<?w.— "You state -n one plaw that you were born in 1864?" — "Ye 3, sir." — "And in another that voa were born in 1865?" — "Yes. sir." — "Isn't " that inconsistent?" — "Oh. no." smiled the witness. "I wjiK born in 1864, and- iujfc stayed born. Whr. I'm born yet." Then the great lawyer had to reoojroiso that sd novelty had been sprung on him. — A city merchant of philanthropic bens, asked to address a temperance meeting, started as follows: — "A young man, mv friends, is like a shin on the ocean : .is long as the ship is sound, and no wjugp leaks in. she rides triumphant. So with a young man. He may be whore there ia wickedness ; but if he keeps it from leaking in, if hhee — cr — keeps tight — that is, if hehe is always tight, and — all " It wa# here he decided to stoo.