Cigarettes and the Doctor.

Otago Witness, Issue 2815, 26 February 1908, Page 87

Cigarettes and the Doctor.

The sick man had sent for a doctor, mucK against his will ; but his wife insisted on it, and so he gave way. The doctor came, and looked grave. He felt the patient's pulse, inspected his tongue, listened to his heart, and then sat down in silence to think awhile, looking oracularly wise through his spectacles. The first thing he said was, "Do you smoke cigarettes?"

"There," exclaimed his wife, "I always told you go, John Henry. Oh, why will you smoke those hurtful things? You 6ee the • harm they have done you is perceptible to the doctor at once. Oh, doctor; you will forbid him to smoke them any more, will you not? I'm so glad we called you in." "Well, you see, doctor," replied tha patient t somewhat nettled a* this onslaught of his wife, and ready to tjhrow something at the dtoctor's head, and just' as ready to punch (has- own* for allawing himself tcr be badgered into calling in a physician at all. "I only "ttse them sparingly. A couple of packets a day at the outside; and I'm sure I don't use nearly so many aa I seem to do, for I only half smoke them, taking a. pull or two and then laying the cigarette down on my desk, and forgetting it, many times, till it is almost consumed." "Oh, you smokers always have some way

The rank of barristers and solicitors of «h« Dominion are recruited lartfsly from young men who are not millionaires. They lave a grievance against what they call "the gtun©a steal." Formerly the neoeseary certificate was luaed fioe. Now it costs £1. There U njso the £25 admission fee and a matter of £? 7e for a diploma.

ot deceiving' your friends and even of blinding yourselves to your own^ excesses," broke in his wife. "The doctor will know best, I am sure, and you will not be foolish enough to go against t!he advice of a physician on tha* point. lem so glad we csalled you .in, doctor." "Nonsense, Jane," said the patient rather 6harply. "How you do jump at conclusions ! The dootor has not had a cha-nce to say a word about my condition, yet. You don't ithink, doctor, that I have the tobacco heart, do you?" he added anxiously. "•No," said' the doctor. "There, Jane," said the sick man triumphantly. "Tobacco heart, indeed !" replied the ■wife. "You may not have gone so far as that yet. There are plenty of lesser but still serious complaints tihat your constant habit of smoking cigarettes has brought upon you, else why did -the doctor at once ask if you used them? Why did you do so, doctor" "Yes, why?" chimed in the patient anxiously. "Well," replied (he doctor, who had been smiling quietly (behind his glaises all the time, watching the uncorking of this little family jar, "I only asked because I smelt ■tobacco emoke, in the .room,, and wanted" to borrow a cigarette for myself." American Humour. —Mark Twain's Tra«ip ThrougJi the Mines. — To_ the North American Review Marie Twain contributes an entertaining chapter of -autobiography. - Digging up reminiscences, mostly humorous, of 28 years ago., he relates how he once started an inspection tramp through the mines of California. "I was callow and conceited," goodI humouredly confesses Mark Twain, "and I resolved to try the virtue of my 'norn de ! guerre.' I very soon h-ad an opportunity. I knocked at a miner's Ion«ly log cabin in the I foothills of itihe Sierras just' at nightfall. It was snowing »t <the time. A jaded, melancholy man of 50, bare-footed, opened the door to me. When he heard my 'norn de guerre,' he looked more dejected than before. . . In the voice of one who is seoretly suffering-. 'You're the fourth ; I'm goinff ito move,' he declared. 'The fourth what?' said I. 'The fourth littery man ■Hhat has been here in 24 hours — I'm going to move.' ' You don't tell me !' said I. 'Who were /the others?' "Mr Lonsifellow, Mr Emerson, and Mr Oliver Wendell Holmes—^confound the lot !' " The miner, continuing his narrative, describes -the appearance of *he three "littery gents " : Emerson, a seedy little Irit of a s chap, redheaded ; Mr Holmes, fat as a balloon; and the poet of "Hiawatha" builtlike a prize-fighter, -his head cropped and bristly, as if he had a wig made of hairbrushes. "They were pretty 'how-come-you^so,' and began to Wow. Emerson says, The nobbiest thing- I ever wrote was "Barbara Ppfetchie." ' Says LongfeJlow. 'It don't begin with my "Biglow Papers." ' Says Holmes. 'My' "Thanatopsis" lays over 'eon 'both.' They mighty near ended in a fight. Then they wished they had some more company, and Mr Emerson pointed to me and says: Is yonder squalid peasant all that this proud nursery could breed?' "He -was a-whettine his feowie on his boot —so I let it pass. Well, sir. next they took it into their heads thast they would like some music, • so they made me stand up and ain-ff 'When Johnny cornea marching home ' till I dropped — at 13 minutes past 4 this morning. That's what I have been through, my friend. When I woke at 7 they were leaving, thank goodness, and Mr Longfellow had my only boots on, and 1 hie'n under hie arm. • Says I, 'Hold on, there, Evangeline. what- are you going to do with them?' He says, 'Going to make traoks with 'em; because Lives of great men all remind vls ' We can make our lives sublime ; And. departing, leave behind us Footprints in the sands <tf time.* " 'As I said, Mr Twain, you are the fourth in 24 hours — and I'm jroinsr to move; I ain't suited to a litt«>rv atmoaohere.' j "Why, my dear sir." the author of "Innocents Abroad" explained to t(he miner, "why. these were not the gracious stagers to -whom we and the world pay loving reverenoo and homage ; these were impostors." Whereuipon the miner Investi.pa.tod Mark Twain with a calm eye for a while ; then »iid, "Ah! impostors were they? . . . Are you?" "I did- not pursue the siibieet," remarks the American humorist, "and since then I have not travelled on my 'norn de guerre' enough to hurt,"